Spacecraft threat brings fear, anxiety, love songs

I'm buying a helmet for March, just to be safe, and so should you.

In case you haven't heard, a Chinese space station is expected to fall back to Earth late that month, bringing a trail of destruction, death and horror.

Or not.

Experts scoff at the idea that someone will get hit by the falling space station in the same way people scoffed at the idea that we could watch TV on our phones or that "Sharknado" could become a successful franchise. Look who's laughing now!

Here's what I know: While it's likely that some parts of the satellite will burn on re-entry, larger pieces could flatten you like a cartoon character while you're walking from the mall to your car. Yes, our mall. And your car.

The satellite, Tiangong-1 (and let's hear it for a satellite with a name I can pronounce, especially one with the world "gong" in it), was launched in 2011 as China's first crewed space station. Now it's China's first crude space station, am I right?

Anyway, the spaceship weighs nearly 19,000 pounds and one estimate says that between 10 and 40 percent of the craft will make it to ground.

I'll do the math for you: Between 2,000 pounds and 10,000 pounds – the range between a pontoon boat and three mid-sized cars – will plummet from the sky on a lazy March day.

Get your helmet!

The problem arose from the fact that the Chinese Space Agency lost contact and control of the space station, something many observers have compared to the relationship between the producers of "Two and a Half Men" and Charlie Sheen in 2011. They don't know when or where it will come down, in the same way those producers didn't know when Sheen would come down.

Now, of course, comes the spin.

The world's space agencies say they have tracked Tiangong-1 and it will come down between 43 degrees North and 43 degrees South longitude. They stress that most of that range is covered by oceans and is unpopulated.

Here's what they don't say: That's where we all live! Fairfield, for instance, is 38.2494 degrees North.

We are in the splash zone!

This has happened before. A Russian spacecraft fell into the Pacific Ocean in 2012. NASA's Skylab – which weighed 160,000 pounds – plummeted to an area near Perth, Australia, in 1979. That is the incident that many blamed for the rise of Australian bands Air Supply and the Little River Band.

Space supporters imply that the past suggests we're safe: There's a big area where Tiangong-1 could land, no one has been killed by a falling spacecraft, only a portion of the craft will make it back, Air Supply and the Little River Band are almost impossible to duplicate.

I say we're due and that the information that a piece of spacecraft weighing 2,000 to 10,000 pounds can hit me is hardly comforting.

Also bad: Apparently, the most dangerous part about Tiangong-1 might not be the debris, but potentially hazardous materials, including hydrazine.

Oh. Em. Gee.

Hydrazine!

(What's hydrazine?)

Space apologists insist the odds are less than winning the lottery or getting hit by lightning, but people win the lottery and get hit by lightning every year, right?

One report indicates there is only a 1-in-10,000 chance that the spacecraft will hit a populated area and damage buildings.

Seems logical . . . but you know what else had a 1-in-10,000 chance? Air Supply and the Little River Band.

I'm not taking any chances and neither should you. Get a helmet.

And start polishing up on the lyrics to "Lost in Love" and "Cool Change."

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.