Celebrating Christmas, the longest day of the year

Christmas can be the most exciting day of the year. It can be the best day of the year.

It can be a seemingly endless day.

It is undoubtedly the longest day of the year, despite the fact that the "experts" say June 21 is technically the longest day, if you equate "day" and "daylight" (and Dec. 21 is the shortest day).

Those "experts" apparently never had kids.

Because I remember. In fact, I still have a datebook from when the Stanhope family included me, Mrs. Brad and two elementary-school-aged boys. That document proves that Christmas is the longest day of the year. An excerpt:

6 a.m.: Wow! Christmas morning is great. Both boys got up early and were excited. Mrs. Brad and I drank coffee and enjoyed watching the kids open gifts. Scooters are the big item this year. It will be great!

7:30 a.m.: Coffee is wearing off and the boys are already fighting. Breakfast is done and the house is a mess. Now I need to figure out how to use an electronic gadget Mrs. Brad got me.

9 a.m.: Mrs. Brad and I completed our traditional Christmas walk with Brandy, our dog, leaving the boys at home. It was peaceful. But how is it only 9?

10:45 a.m.: Exhausted. I thought we might start preparing dinner, then realized it's more than an hour until lunch. I thought I had the electronic gadget figured out, but no. I guess it needs batteries. Should we take the tree down? Maybe a nap, instead.

Noon: Fell asleep on the couch, then ate because we've been up for 15 or 20 hours (I checked my watch. We've only been up six hours. How?). We turned on an NBA game, but it's dull. How long until dinner?

1:15 p.m.: The kids are outside and I'm hungry. Dinner is still four hours off? Why is there nothing on TV? And I think I lost a key part for that electronic gadget.

2:45 p.m.: This morning seems like it was days ago. I tried to take a nap, then realized I'd taken one this morning. Will night ever get here?

4:30 p.m.: We ate dinner, since we've been up for hours and hours (ignore the fact that Mrs. Brad and I regularly get up at 6 a.m.). Fortunately, it's getting dark, so finally it will be bedtime soon.

6 p.m.: I'm hungry again, because of the early dinner. So I'll have some leftovers before I go to bed ... what? It's only 6 p.m.?

8 p.m.: Exhausted. It feels like months since we got up, even though it's only been 14 hours. Fourteen hours of sitting around, watching the clock and waiting for the next meal. And trying to get my electronic gadget to work. I still think it may need batteries.

9 p.m.: We usually go to bed after 10 p.m., but we're exhausted. And bored. How many meals can you eat in one day? How many card games can you play? We're headed off for rest.

11 p.m.: Can't sleep. The morning nap and all the meals must have affected me. Well, at least the kids had fun on Christmas. Wait. That was today? How is that possible?

11:45 p.m.: I just fell asleep when I heard a chirping noise. After stumbling around, I realized it's the electronic device. I have no idea how to turn it off, so I put it in the car in the garage.  Now I'm awake again.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Annual Solano County quiz to test your local knowledge

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Get out the egg nog, a No. 2 pencil, your thinking cap and local knowledge, because today is the annual Solano County quiz.

I've been presenting an annual quiz about the county since the days of Robert Waterman and Josiah Wing (could I be foreshadowing a quiz question? Perhaps!). This quiz is available for people who are walking through the mall in Fairfield or who are incarcerated in Vacaville (foreshadowing other questions? More likely).

So take a deep breath, concentrate on the county in which you live and see how many of the 20 questions you can answer, starting off with one that provides a potential bonus point:

QUESTIONS

1. Name the seven cities in Solano County. For a bonus point, list them in reverse order of population, largest to smallest.

2. What five counties border Solano County?

3. How many U.S. highways are in Solano County?

4. Name the four interstate freeways in Solano County.

5. What was the leading agricultural crop in Solano County in 2021 in terms of dollars?

6. In what census (taken every 10 years) did Solano's population surpass 100,000?

7. Within five miles, how far is it on Interstate 80 from the eastern border of Solano County to the western border?

8. Who is the county administrator of Solano County?

9. The total area of Suisun City is 4.2 square miles. Within 10 square miles, what is the total area of Fairfield?

10. July is the warmest month of the year in Fairfield. Within three degrees, what is the average high temperature for a July day in Fairfield?

11. Which member of the Partridge Family am I thinking of right now?

12. Which of the two prisons in Vacaville has more inmates: California Medical Facility or California State Prison, Solano?

13. When was the last time a Republican won the presidential vote during a general election in Solano County?

14. When was the last time a Republican won at least 40% of the presidential vote in Solano County?

15. What is the largest public school system in Solano County?

16. Within five years, when was Fairfield incorporated as a city?

17. In what month does Vacaville host Fiesta Days?

18. What is the name of the large mall in Fairfield?

19. Travis Air Force Base was originally the Fairfield-Suisun Army Air Base, then the Fairfield-Suisun Air Force Base. Within three years, in what year was the base renamed after Gen. Robert Travis?

20. Within 500 miles, how far (while driving) is the quickest route from Fairfield, California, to Fairfield, Connecticut?

ANSWERS

1. Vallejo, Fairfield, Vacaville, Suisun City, Benicia, Dixon, Rio Vista.

2. Contra Costa, Napa, Sacramento, Yolo, Sonoma.

3. None. There are four interstate freeways and five state highways, but no U.S. highways.

4. I-80, I-780, I-680, I-505.

5. Almonds, at $71.1 million.

6. 1950.

7. 42 miles (although there is a brief detour into Napa County just east of Vallejo).

8. William Emlen.

9. 37.6 square miles.

10. 89.6 degrees.

11. Danny.

12. California State Prison Solano. As of Nov. 30, CSPS had 3,314 inmates, CMF had 1,889.

13. 1984, when Ronald Reagan received 54.5% of the county's votes.

14, 2004, when George W. Bush received 41.9% of the votes, the only time it's been above 40% since 1984.

15. Fairfield-Suisun Unified School District has approximately 20,000 students. Vacaville (14,000) and Vallejo (11,000) are the next largest.

16. 1903.

17. May.

18. Solano Town Center.

19. In 1951. Travis was killed in a plane crash in 1950.

20. 2,916 miles.

SCORING

15 or more: Expert

9 to 14: Pretty good. These weren't easy.

4 to 8: Hopefully, you're just new to the area.

0-3: It's pronounced "Suh-SOON."

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Complex legislative acronyms provide a chance for local benefit

Unless you follow Congress closely, you may not know that the legislative branch of our federal government is obsessed with acronyms. Especially acronyms that spell out words.

Often, it's ridiculous.

A recent article in The Atlantic recently pointed out some particularly crazy examples: the DAYLIGHT Act (Daylight All Year Leads to Ideal Gains in Happiness and Temperament), the ZOMBIE Act (Zeroing Out Money for Buying Influence after Elections), the CROOK Act (Countering Russian and Other Overseas Kleptocracy), and the GIVE MILK Act (Giving Increased Variety to Ensure Milk Into the Lives of Kids).

Silly, right?

There are others, too. The tortured acronyms usually indicate the goal of the legislation. The Atlantic cites the CONFUCIUS Act (anti-China), the SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP Act (pro-U.K.) and the CONSCIENCE Act (anti-vax). The acronyms are called "backronyms," because the authors obviously came up with a word for their bill, then found awkward phrasing that results in CROOK or ZOMBIE or GIVE MILK.

It's kind of brilliant.

I think it's time to bring it home. It's time for local representatives to introduce legislation that benefits us and spells out words to reflect that.

For instance, as county, state and federal representatives head into 2023, they should consider the following:

The Save Our Last Attempt to Name Our Multi-Attributed Layaway Land (SOLANO MALL) Act. This would permit residents to legally call the mall in Fairfield the "Solano Mall," which was its name for most of its first few decades. It was then the Westfield Solano Mall and has been the Solano Town Center for a decade, but who can remember that? This law would allow people in my demographic to freely call it Solano Mall and not be corrected.

Funding Areas In Relative Financial Interrelationship with Evolving Landing Domains (FAIRFIELD) Act. This would provide millions of dollars for cities that have a long-standing relationship with military bases where a large number of airplanes land. The FAIRFIELD Act would keep Travis Air Force Base open indefinitely and provide money for residents because that would be nice.

Withdraw Another Duo Entangled in Being Rather Obscure, Tremendously Heated, Exasperating Raiders Supporters (WADE BROTHERS) Act. This would provide free counseling for local newspaper columnists who are overly passionate fans of an NFL team that has twice moved from its area and whose management that virtually assures disappointing seasons. The WADE BROTHERS Act could help local people, although I'm not 100% sure who. Even if someone fit the bill, I suspect that they would resist the help, due to jealousy of the San Francisco 49ers.

The Benefit Ridiculous Aging Diabetics (BRAD) Act. This would provide an annual stipend to baby boomers who have newspaper columns in which they occasionally mention that they have diabetes. The BRAD Act could come in handy if, for instance, I were to remind you that I have lived with Type I diabetes since I was 14 and that it was the eighth-leading cause of death in the United States in 2021. If I did that, the BRAD Act would provide a stipend. Cha-ching!

There's more (The VACAVILLE Act, the SUISUN CITY WATERFRONT Act, etc.), but I'm tired because I'm a Type 1 diabetic and have been for a long time.

Cha-ching!

Reach Brad Stanhope, a diabetic, at bradstanhope@outlook.com. Cha-ching.

Ranking fictional holiday figures, from Cupid to . . .

Welcome to the height of the holiday season.

Halloween, Thanksgiving and my oldest son's birthday are behind us. Still to come are Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year's Day.

December is peak season for commercials, TV specials and movies about fictional holiday figures. What would December be without Burl Ives as Sam the Snowman, telling us about Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

But why only December? Why don't we have Uncle Sam movies in July? Why not Easter Bunny TV shows in April? Why doesn't the Hallmark Channel produce a bunch of St. Patrick's Day-themed romantic movies? It's a mystery.

As we begin the month most associated with holidays, it's time to rank the eight best fictional holiday figures:

8. Cupid. The symbol of love and Valentine's Day, an angel (or Greek god, it's hard to tell) shoots arrows at people who then fall in love. But unless you're experiencing Valentine's Day with someone new (which seems risky), Cupid's arrival Feb. 14 seems too late or too early. And Cupid's appearance makes me uncomfortable.

7. Baby New Year. Perhaps the creepiest mainstream holiday figure – a sash-wrapped baby who is usually pictured with an old man (who represents the outgoing year and appears ready to die. It's unclear, but weird).

6. Leprechaun. The symbolic figure for St. Patrick's Day feels stereotypical. If I were Irish, I'd be uncomfortable with my culture's main holiday being represented by a tiny (possibly drunk) figure.

5. Punxsutawney Phil. You could make a point that Phil is not "fictional" because there is a real Punxsutawney Phil – although we're several generations past the original and if not for the movie "Groundhog Day," most of us wouldn't know his name. The weirdest thing is that while Groundhog Day is ostensibly a holiday that helps predict how long winter will last, it is referenced far more to explain the same thing happening day after day, because of the movie. And you don't need a groundhog for that.

4. Easter Bunny. The discount-rate Santa: A secular figure for a religious holiday. Not as beloved as Santa and rather than gifts, the Easter Bunny brings candy. Questions: Is the Easter Bunny a male or female? Big or small? A mysterious figure in a weird way. And not Peter Cottontail, who hops down the bunny trail when Easter is on its way. Maybe they're cousins?

3. Rudolph. The No. 2 figure in Christmas folklore, but a favorite, despite all the problems with his story (Santa only likes him when he proves useful to the mission, a blinking light doesn't cut through fog very well, etc.). Still a famous, beloved figure.

2. Uncle Sam. The universal symbol of July 4, another widely loved, fun holiday. Who doesn't like fireworks and parades? Even better, who doesn't like Uncle Sam, who – now that he's moved past trying to convince 1950s teenagers to join the Army – spends most of his time in parades or in car advertisements? Put him on stilts and he's even better.

1. Santa Claus. The king of holiday figures, which would make him the Elvis of holiday figures if Elvis Presley had his greatest success when he was fat and jolly. Universally beloved to the point that movies that portray a negative side of him ("Bad Santa," for one) make it clear someone is stealing Santa's identity. Santa is the No. 1 holiday figure in the same way that "Ice, Ice Baby" is Vanilla Ice's No. 1 song. It's not even remotely close.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.