My modest proposal for a new Solano County town

Yes, the rumors are true: I'm been planning a new city in Solano County.

No, it's not that one. I'm talking about Bradville.

Of course, you've heard all about the proposed Camelot to be built by tech billionaires who bought up thousands and thousands of acres between Fairfield and Rio Vista. The idea is to build a "European-style city" (one that gets steamrolled every 50 to 100 years by a massive war?) on what is now agricultural land.

There's been plenty of noise about that, much of it from local residents and officials who say they won't let it happen.

That's not my city.

Bradville is more modest. I can't afford to buy any land, so I'm hoping the county will just give me the land. Maybe as an alternative to the proposed uber-town, allowing Solano leadership to say, "We've already started a new city. It's called Bradville. Why do we need another one?"

Bradville is the town. The time is now.

Frankly, I'm not an urban planner. I'm not even an urbane planner (Webster's definition of urbane: notably polite or polished in manner). But I've got a great idea: A town that's a mixture of Andy Griffith's Mayberry and a postcard (one that creates a false memory of how things used to be).

So here's the plan: All I need is maybe 100 acres, maybe less. Enough room to build Bradville with maybe 10 houses and a coffee shop/gas station/post office/city hall where residents will hang out and chat. Where all the residents of Bradville will feel at home. Kind of like "Cheers."

OK. So it's a combination of "The Andy Griffith Show" and "Cheers."

We won't need schools: Our students can commute to the nearest town for their education. We can even get by without law enforcement, having the Solano County Sheriff's Office on patrol.

We would, however, have some special laws. And as the King of Bradville (in case I forgot to mention it, that's part of the plan), I would enforce them with a strong hand.

For instance, there would be no backing into parking spots. I don't care that you have a big truck or that it makes you nervous to back into a parking spot. Just pull into the spot. Violate that and lose your car.

Also, folks in Bradville would not be allowed to use the phrase "what-not." Sure, we're friendly and folksy, but not rubes (my apologies if you use the phrase, you rube.).

Oh, and no Raiders fans, either. Sorry. You scare us. We'll allow Tony Wade to write about our history, though (as long as he does all interviews by phone and stays out of Bradville).

In Bradville, we'll have regular suburban houses and streets, because we're not pretentious. The gas station (part of the mixed-use building that includes the coffee shop, post office and city hall) will give away bobbleheads and antenna balls, like in the old days. The person working the front desk at the city hall/post office (they may be combined) will always be friendly and know your name.

Here's the best part: There's no big risk. Bradville will be like Birds Landing or Collinsville – two towns that are in the targeted area – but it will be incorporated. A real town. With a king.

Does the other proposed new city concern you? Are you baffled as to why someone would build another town? Do you think they might not realize how hard it will be to plant "a million" trees? Do they not know that all trees will lean at a 45-degree angle to the east due to the wind?

Those problems won't exist in Bradville, which will feel like the towns in those cheesy Hallmark movies. And the "Andy Griffith Show." And "Cheers."

Reach Brad Stanhope, king of the proposed town of Bradville, at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Research shows that tattoos are common among most groups

When I was a kid, the only people with tattoos were World War II vets, ex-cons and circus performers.

In 2023, having a tattoo means you're probably a woman, aged 18 to 49.

The first part isn't documented, although it was my perception as a kid. The second isn't specifically true, either, but it's statistically likely. According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, 56% of American women aged 18 to 29 have at least one tattoo. Fifty-six percent! And 53% of women 30 to 49 have one or more tattoos.

If you're a woman in that age group (again 18 to 49) without a tattoo, you're in the minority. Not a tiny minority, but you're outnumbered.

In case you're interested, among the major population groups, those least likely to have tattoos are people who are 65 or older and Asians. By the way, don't come at me if you're Asian and have a tattoo or if you're over 65 and have a tattoo. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just citing stats. (And I'm probably afraid of you because my childhood perception that ex-cons have tattoos remains in my brain.)

The Pew survey says that 32% of Americans have a tattoo and 22% have more than one. A higher percentage of women have tattoos than men, 38% to 27%.

This isn't small change: The tattoo market in America is expected to bring in more than $2 billion in 2023 and grow to nearly $4 billion by 2030. That's about $6 per person in 2023–which is significant since many people (even those who have tattoos) won't get one in 2023. There is, if you're unaware, no subscription fee to keep your tattoo. You pay once and you get it for life, kind of like that email list that won't remove you.

The Pew survey broke it down even more. The more education you have, the less likely you are to have a tattoo. The more money you make, the less likely you are to have a tattoo. But the differences aren't that great: 21% of upper-income Americans and 21% of Americans with graduate degrees have tattoos. Presumably, something that says "Masters Degree" or "$$$$$." Or "Ma$ter$ Degree")

I don't have a tattoo and neither does Mrs. Brad. However, we're now within shouting distance of the 65-plus category. However, both of our sons have multiple tattoos. One has "sleeves" on both arms.

So tats are everywhere. Your boss might have a tattoo. The neighbor who watches your house when you're gone may have one. The person who does your taxes and the crossing guard at your kid's school may have tattoos.

The fact that one-third of us have tattoos answers the question that was asked a generation ago: Will those people who get tattoos regret their decisions when they get old?

The answer is no. They'll be normal. Many of their peers in their senior community will have tattoos.

There will eventually be a generation of older people with tattoos of flowers or dragons or of a "Harry Potter" character. It will be attributed to growing up in the 1990s and 2000s.

Of course, those with the "Ma$ter$ Degree" tattoo will talk about how their tattoo was key to them getting rich. If I'm still around, I'll suspect they had a summer job with the circus.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Microsoft changes font, exposing my out-of-touch changes

I spend a fair amount of time shaking my head at writers who are out of touch.

But it turns out that I'm the old-timer.

The back story: In July, Microsoft announced that it was changing its default font typeface for its suite of products used by millions of people. The font (type style) used in Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Outlook and other apps will change from Calibri to a font family called Aptos, which is a little bit east of Santa Cruz. Get it? But enough font jokes.

Aptos apparently used to be called Bierstadt, which I thought was a small microbrewery in the Gateway area of Fairfield. Apparently not. But enough font jokes.

I know you're thinking this isn't important. The change will be seamless and unimportant to most readers. If the typeface in Word documents or in your Outlook email changes to something that insiders say will look better in high-resolution, high-density monitors, so what? In a day or two, you'll get used to it and soon you'll forget how Calibri looked.

But I'm not normal.

My lack of normalcy became more unhinged when this news broke because it clarified something that should have been obvious: Calibri is Word's default font!

There's a reason why 90% of the things I edit in my job – written by others – are in Calibri. It's not because people are old-fashioned or stubborn. It's because Calibri is Microsoft's default font. It's how Word sets your type. It's how the emails arrive. It's the default for PowerPoint slides and Excel documents.

All this time, I thought people were out of touch. Instead, I was obtuse.

As an editor (I don't work at the newspaper, but my job title is editor), I'm stubborn. I want things to look right. So it's common for me to get a document written in Calibri, define it all and change the font to Times New Roman, my preference. 

Times New Roman!

That's my Word document default, a change I make whenever I get a new laptop. It's the font in which the Daily Republic was printed for much of my career (the current font is Dutch 811, which is slightly better than Dutch 810, presumably. But enough font jokes.).

Times New Roman just looks right!

As I read the announcement of Microsoft's change, my eyes bugged out. It was even worse.

"Calibri replaced Times New Roman as the suite's default font in Office 2007."

What? Two thousand-seven? Times New Roman was booted by Microsoft 16 years ago?

All the time I thought I was changing fonts to save colleagues from being old-fashioned, I was making it more old-fashioned!  I was removing their old tube TVs and replacing them with stand-up radios. I was taking them off the train and putting them in a stagecoach.

I've seen the light. I've been educated. My tomfoolery has been exposed.

Times New Roman is old-fashioned. Calibri may look elementary to me, but it's newer than Times New Roman. And Aptos is the new standard.

So the next time I get a document in Calibri or Aptos, I'll realize it's modern.

And then I'll change it to Times New Roman, because that still looks better.

I'm not old-fashioned. I'm classic.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Ranking the most forgettable teams in major American sports

It's difficult to be a completely forgettable major professional sports franchise.

There are 92 teams among the three major American sports leagues – the NFL, NBA and major league baseball (sorry, WNBA,  NHL and MLS. Major leagues.). Teams spend millions of dollars to make sure we're aware of them, including gear that acts as free advertising. The leagues broadcast games every week.

Everyone knows the Dallas Cowboys. New York Yankees. Los Angeles Lakers, yet there are teams that we forget exist.

These teams generally don't win. They're often from overlooked parts of the nation (no New York or Chicago teams here). They tend to not have big stars (although there are exceptions). The main thing they have in common? When we hear their team name, we say, "Oh yeah, I forgot about them!"

With bonus points for NFL teams (since that's the biggest sport by far, so it's harder to be forgotten), here are the 10 most forgettable major sports teams, in reverse order.

10. Carolina Panthers. Even when they played in the Super Bowl (twice!) I forgot them. Maybe it's because Carolina isn't a town? Maybe it's because they didn't exist when I was a kid?

9. Orlando Magic. The NBA likes to put teams in a small market and hopes it works (Sacramento, Salt Lake City, Charlotte). I guess it does sometimes. Not in this case, though.

8. Atlanta Hawks. They should be memorable since Atlanta is the capital of the South. The Hawks have had exciting players (Dominique Wilkins! Trae Young! Other guys!), but ask me to name NBA teams and I forget they exist.

7. Tennessee Titans. As the Houston Oilers, they were unforgettable. They moved northeast and we forgot them, despite them being good virtually every year. Maybe NFL teams named after states are forgettable?

6. Indiana Pacers. Four former ABA teams joined the NBA in the 1976 merger, so we're nearly five decades into always forgetting the Pacers exist. 

5. Colorado Rockies. Another forgettable team named after a state. They're also forgettable because the Rockies have been largely irrelevant for most of their 30-year history. 

4. Washington Wizards. Arguably professional sports' most blah team over the long haul, which is saying something. They're never good, they're never horrible, they're never memorable. Can you even picture their uniforms? Can you name three players from the past decade?

3. Los Angeles Angels. How can a team that claims to play in Los Angeles (it plays in Anaheim), has arguably the greatest player in the history of baseball (Shohei Ohtani) and had the best player before him (Mike Trout) be so forgettable? I don't know. What team were we talking about again?

2. Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte had an NBA team, lost it to New Orleans and got another team. The NBA figured basketball was big in North Carolina, but who knows? Who even can tell? Who is this again?

1. Jacksonville Jaguars. They could be a playoff team, but as soon as I finish writing this paragraph, I'll forget the Jags exist. Jacksonville is America's 11th largest city by population, yet I know nothing of it. Oh, it has an NFL team? I'd already forgotten.

That's it. The 10 most . . . wait. What about the New Orleans Pelicans of the NBA?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.