Cheers for Jupiter – and roller derby

It's time to give Jupiter some props: Like a bodyguard in school who keeps the goons away, the planet may have cleared the way for Earth. To exist.

At least according to scientists, whom I never question. Even when they insist that canals exist on Mars, draining blood can cure illnesses or that a walk is as good as a hit. If they weren't smarter than me, they wouldn't be allowed to wear those white jackets, right?

Anyway, a couple of astronomers (which I'm told are different from astrologers) published a paper this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. It's one of several magazines to which I subscribe, arriving Tuesday along with Grit and Cracked and a few days before The Saturday Evening Post. The astronomers say that our inner solar system once had a bunch of what they call "super-Earths." Those are planets larger than ours, but not as big as Neptune.

(Neptune is really big. When it sits around the sun, it really sits around the sun! When Neptune steps on the planetary scale, the scale says "one at a time please!" Am I right? Neptune is big!)

The point of the article was that at some point in ancient history (probably before the American Revolution and maybe before the invention of the fork) Jupiter bulldozed in and smashed those "super-Earth" planets into the sun, which laid the foundation for the creation of the Earth and other smaller planets . . . wait . . .

Did they really say creation of the Earth? Scientists said that?

Nevermind. I don't want to get sidetracked. But the Earth was created? Hmm.

Anyway, the idea is that Jupiter pushed toward the sun, smashed those would-be planets into the sun, then returned to its normal rotation – presumably with its hands in its pockets, whistling and hoping that nobody noticed.

The best parallel – and I'm sure you're already thinking this – is roller derby.

Jupiter played the role of the "jammer," who smashes skaters out of the way so that the "pivot" can skate ahead and score points. In this case (to use a 50-year-old metaphor), Jupiter was Charlie O'Connell and the Earth was Joanie Weston, both of the Bay Area Bombers.

Got it? Much easier to understand now, right?

Another interesting part of the theory, which is known as the Grand Tack scenario (because the "Gran Torino scenario" involves a racist character played by Clint Eastwood), is that Neptune was drawn toward the sun because of its huge mass. The only thing that stopped it was Saturn, which entered a "planetary dance" with it due to both planets' large mass, a dance that sent both farther into the solar system.

That's ironic, because I owned a Saturn for several years and find it unlikely it could travel anywhere without some sort of maintenance. Although perhaps the "planetary dance" would have been a better excuse for when my side-view mirror came off than the truth: I backed into the side of the garage.

But enough of that. Why do you keep side-tracking me?

My point is that Jupiter should be appreciated. After all, most of us have some love for Mars (great candy bar!), Pluto (cute dog, even if it's not a "planet" anymore), Venus (cool songs, one version by Frankie Avalon and another by Shocking Blue and Bananarama) and even Saturn (affordable car, even though the side-view mirrors seem defective).

Jupiter? Other than an occasional song mention (which prompts my first-ever mention of San Francisco-based band Train), it doesn't get much love.

But Jupiter made it possible for Earth to be created, according to scientists. Three cheers for Jupiter!

And roller derby, which made this science lesson understandable.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Let's hope comments let off steam

A longtime radio host once expressed it simply: "I love the listeners, hate the callers."

My feelings aren't that strong, but sometimes they get close. Not about callers, but about some of the people who post comments on this and other websites. Calling someone a "troll" is now a cliché, but spend a few minutes or hours reading the comment section of nearly any online publication and you'll likely feel that way.

The Daily Republic has significantly higher standards for website commentary than most sites. People who post their thoughts on Dailyrepublic.com can pick what name they want to appear, but there are filters that block profanity and common slurs. Editors at the paper can also see more information and even block certain folks.

Still . . .

Go on the Daily Republic's site any day and you'll feel like we live in an angry, judgmental, vicious world.

That's how it appears to me, at least. In my post-newspaper life, I'm like many readers – a guy who checks the paper online from his office, home or on his phone. I read the stories and, because comments are listed at the bottom of each story, I often see them.

The rage is palpable. People post comments calling for torture for accused criminals. The phrase "put a bullet in his head" appears regularly. They cite the race of people involved in stories. They rage against "incompetent" or evil police officers or elected officials. They turn local items into a referendum on President Obama. They mock the Daily Republic for missing a typographical error in a document that has 30,000 words and was printed with a one-day deadline cycle.

They're angry and mean.

Occasionally – maybe one comment out of 10 – someone is nice. More often, people make inoffensive comments.

The rest of the time? Mud-throwing, angry, bitter, mean people who are wishing the vilest outcome for others.

I might be a Pollyanna, but come on! Do people really feel that strongly? Are they really that angry, vindictive and spiteful?

Here's the truth: Those comments are rarely, if ever, directed at me. My columns tend to motivate nicer comments (until this one, at least).

But when I read other comments? It makes me think about the fact that nearly all of us think criminals should be punished, but most of us don't want people tortured.

Most of us see faults in our community, but don't think there's a conspiracy to ruin things.

A vast majority of us get angry about things, but hopefully aren't as uncivil in real life as many of the people who comment on the Daily Republic website (and others).

Yes, it's even worse elsewhere. Try going to national media websites and you'll see the comment sections degrade into hateful, angry diatribes that often have nothing to do with the article.

Here's my hope: A few angry people spend most of their time raging online about news stories, rather than venturing out in public. They use website comments as a way to let off steam and keep the rest of us safe.

Otherwise, it's a world filled with rage.

As Don Henley sang in "The Heart of the Matter," how can love survive in such a graceless age?

It can't in the comment sections.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Like Churchill said, always tell the truth

Can we trust anyone with the news?

In the wake of NBC's six-month suspension of Brian Williams for embellishing the truth about a helicopter incident in Iraq came word that Fox News' Bill O'Reilly is accused of telling untruths about the danger he was in while covering hostilities in Argentina, El Salvador and Northern Ireland.

(As if the description "former 'Inside Edition' host Bill O'Reilly" wasn't enough to shake his credibility).

Is everybody associated with covering the news guilty of making things up to make themselves appear more heroic? Let's hope not.

Walter Cronkite had it right: Credibility is the backbone of any news reporter. He told me that right after I forced him to go on the air to announce the death of President John F. Kennedy. Cronkite said he couldn't do it and I told him he had to – that America needed to hear it from someone who viewers respected.

Please don't make me into a hero for doing that, I was just his friend. That's what I tell people at my appearances before local service clubs, too.

What is it about guys like Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly (allegedly), who feel the need to embellish stories about reporting? Do they think the fact that they were present isn't enough? Do they think they need to show heroism to gain favor among their viewers or readers? If so, it's sad.

When I helped Woodward and Bernstein uncover the Watergate scandal, we all just wanted the truth to come out. The fact that they didn't credit me – that in fact, in their book and movie, they called the editor "Ben Bradlee" in an obvious reference to me – was OK. It was enough that I was there, helping uncover the truth. I didn't want credit, something I always tell the audience at paid speaking engagements around Solano County.

If being heroic was crucial to being a great reporter, I would have made a much bigger deal about my role in capturing John Wilkes Booth after he killed President Abraham Lincoln. But that was just something that occurred as part of my job. I'm not a hero, just a reporter. Well, maybe I'm a hero, but when I tell audiences about how I helped capture the killer of our 16th president, I emphasize that I was pursuing a story and just happened to change history.

Williams' lies are particularly confusing – why does it matter whether the news reader on a national network was in a helicopter that was shot down? Trust me, it's not all that great, even if you're in the cockpit with the pilots like when I talked "Sully" Sullenberger into landing on the Hudson River in 2009. That was terrifying and the fact that I saved all those people's lives didn't change that.

I always emphasize that when I'm appearing at functions at local schools for my basic appearance fee.

I hope the investigations will settle the issues about how much Williams and O'Reilly (allegedly) lied about their experiences. Viewers and readers deserve to know that they can respect and trust those who bring them the news. It's like Winston Churchill said: "The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is."

I'll never forget when he told me that. It was during a bombing of London by the Nazis, right after I saved his life, which likely also saved the Western Hemisphere.

As I always tell the large crowds who pay to see me, that had nothing to do with my ability as a reporter.

You can still trust me. But make sure the check clears when you pay me.

Former Daily Republic editor Brad Stanhope is no hero, just a simple columnist. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Love for DST, Suisun City; not Smokey Bear

Today marks the official turning of the seasons in Solano County: From gloomy to sunny.

We have pleasant winters here, but the start of daylight saving time – extending sunlight into the evening – makes it an even better place.

I'm a longtime proponent of daylight saving time, much to the chagrin of some people who would apparently prefer to live in eternal darkness. While the idea of year-round daylight saving time makes sense, I admit that the excitement of an immediate one-hour extension of sunlight, such as will happen today, makes the second Sunday in March an annual highlight.

And once more, I'd like to point out that we're on "standard time" for 18 weeks a year, "daylight saving time" for 34 weeks a year. When will we call the November-to-March period what it really is: Daylight wasting time?

It's daylight saving time, baseball spring training is rolling and Tony Wade is awakening from his long winter's slumber. Everything is as it should be.

Let's celebrate by emptying my notebook:

•  •  •

Three things that Suisun City has done right:

1. A cluster of downtown eateries. The development (redevelopment?) of the waterfront area stalled over the past several years, but most of the restaurants have survived and thrived. Consider that the Athenian Grill, Babs Delta Diner, The Joy of Eating and Cast Iron Grill all are on the east side of Main Street, while such restaurants as La Cabana, Taqueria Tepa, Main Street Bar and Grill, Puerto Vallarta and the new Ironwood American Bistro line the west side. There are plenty more, too. That's a lot of good food in a small geographic area, all walkable. That's a success.

2. Suisun City's section of what's called the "Central County Bikeway." That's the bike/walking paths along Highway 12 for much of the city, including both sides of the highway between Sunset Avenue and Marina Boulevard. Not only are the paths great for the safety of kids on the way to school, they provide a great weekend and evening place for walkers, runners and bicyclists.

3. The Kroc Center. When the NorthBay YMCA left town and the site was vacant for years, the big building on Pintail Drive looked like a dead weight around the city's neck. But when The Salvation Army came to town, renovated the building and began pouring money into community programs, it became one of the bright spots of the region. There have been few if any missteps since it opened – the city has a great nonprofit that serves nearly every part of the community.

•  •  •

Brief detour: When I was a kid, quicksand was a staple of dramatic TV. Rarely did a week go by that someone wasn't trapped in the stuff, struggling to get out. We learned that the more you struggled, the worse it got. We also knew the way to get out was to have someone throw you a lasso and pull you out with a horse.

I spent a good portion of those years hoping to avoid quicksand and rattlesnakes, which seemed to appear every time a character on a cowboy show was on the ground.

Now? Both largely gone. Rattlesnakes don't often appear and I haven't seen quicksand on TV or in a movie for years.

•  •  •

I know a lot of people respect Smokey Bear, but he pulled a punk move when he told us (particularly children) that only we can prevent forest fires.

We have a generation of people wracked with unnecessary guilt over the fact that they've been good, but somehow forest fires happened. That's not fair.

Shouldn't Smokey be held accountable?

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Calling someone a 'smoker' is hilarious

Mrs. Brad just couldn't stop laughing.

I wasn't sure why. She gets that way sometimes.

Finally . . . after I asked what was so funny and she started and stopped several times because she was laughing so hard . . . she told me.

"I said 'OK, smoker,’ ” she said. Then she started laughing again. Uncontrollably.

That's what was so funny. I was getting over a cold, so when I had a raspy cough in the middle of a conversation, she called me a "smoker."

Which is hilarious. To Mrs. Brad. Who couldn't stop laughing.

How much she appreciates her own sense of humor is one of Mrs. Brad's most charming characteristics. She's not alone: There are plenty of people who tickle themselves when they say or do things that (they think) are funny. Mrs. Brad? She really laughs hard at some of her gags. Really hard.

It's nothing new – she's done it since we started dating, as teenagers.

Not often. Just intensely.

Mrs. Brad is pretty funny. While I get most of the comedy credit in our family because of my imagination and love of the spotlight, Mrs. Brad can do spot-on impersonations and frequently makes observations that make me laugh out loud. However, nothing is as funny to her as when she's funny – particularly if I'm the target.

Take, for instance, the great "spoon-in-chocolate-milk caper." We were dating and she mixed a glass of chocolate milk (we were still  young, so I drank chocolate milk and she made it for me!), but . . . and here's the hilarious part . . . she left the spoon in it, just below milk level.

She thought I was going to have the spoon bang against my front tooth, leaving me sputtering and stammering!

It didn't happen.

That's because when she handed me the glass, she was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. For about five minutes. Because the spoon was going to hit me in the tooth!

I immediately laughed, even though I didn't know why. It's contagious that way. After about 10 explanation false starts, I finally found out why – there was a spoon hidden in the glass! – that was it – just a spoon, hilariously waiting to strike my mouth.

There have been other memorable incidents over the years that brought her uncontrollable laughter – the time she shoved me down the hill while we were walking at Veterans Memorial Park on Fairfield Avenue, the time she hit me in the eye with the plastic nose of a stuffed animal, the times she hid a plastic Jack-in-the-Box doll under the bed sheets or in my car, waiting for me to find it. Also, anytime I choke or throw up.

Invariably, the incidents end the same way: With me asking what's so funny and Mrs. Brad starting to tell me, then laughing so hard she has to stop, start again, and so on.

When she finally gets to the "punch line," I laugh.

Not because it's so funny – after all, calling someone "smoker," pushing them down a hill or hitting them in the eye with a stuffed animal's plastic nose isn't that funny – but because she's laughing so hard.

And her memories of such events often bring back the laughter.

Don't believe it? When she reads this, she'll laugh the entire time about when she put the spoon in the chocolate milk.

That was hilarious!

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.