On Hawaii trip, 'aloha' could have meant 'goodbye'

To say Mrs. Brad and I narrowly escaped death in Hawaii earlier this month might be an overstatement.

But I'm prone to overstatement: We narrowly escaped death!

Epic storms. Vicious sea creatures. Violent seas. Shaved ice.

It was the most danger-fraught visit to Hawaii since the Brady family visited in 1972 and stumbled across a dangerous tiki idol, which resulted in a surfing accident for Greg, a near-tarantula bite for Peter and a menacing encounter with Vincent Price for all three boys.

We similarly overcame three potential disasters and survived.

Mrs. Brad and I visited the Hawaiian island of Kauai when the biggest flooding in years hit. It included the most rain in one day in island history – more than 28 inches in a 24-hour period for one area, which included eight hours of nonstop thunder and lightning.

Of course, that was the northern edge of the island and we were in the south. But still . . . we could have died. If we'd been in a different location.

The storm definitely impacted our lives – I was awoken by a phone call warning of flash floods. It said to move to high ground, so I did, by getting back in bed.

In the time we were there, hundreds of people were evacuated, the main highway was washed out and . . . we had to endure some sprinkles at the beach.

I checked in as "safe" on Facebook.

A near-death experience!

The flooding wasn't all. While Mrs. Brad and I were hiking at a beach, a surfer was attacked by a shark. He fought it off, but suffered leg wounds.

That could have been us . . . had the shark come up on land and attacked us during our hike. A land shark!

The victim of the attack became a national focus after it came out that he was previously bitten by a bear and a rattlesnake, which makes him either the luckiest or unluckiest man on Earth. All I know is that I feel lucky to have avoided his fate.

Another near-death experience!

Our lone extracurricular excursion involved a five-hour ride on a catamaran, going to the remote Napali Coast. It was great for the first 45 minutes, then I got violently seasick and spent the next few hours alternating between vomiting and staring into a bucket and fighting off nausea. All I could think was, "If I had just been attacked by a shark, this wouldn't have happened." Meanwhile, my shipmates moved as far from me as possible.

It was another near-death experience!

By the time we ended our 10 days on the island, we were ready to come home. We survived flooding, shark attacks and seasickness. And a bunch of days at the beach, relaxing. Which is dangerous in its own right.

Here's all I know about Hawaii, based on my experience and watching "The Brady Bunch": It can be scary.

If you have a trip planned, be careful.

If you'd rather pass and have Mrs. Brad and I go in your stead, we understand and are willing to take your place.

We're brave that way.

Mahalo. It's good to still be alive.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Yes, I won a major singing competition

I know what it's like to be on "American Idol" or "The Voice."

I, too, have been in a singing competition.

I won. By singing "Strangers in the Night" into a telephone after Mrs. Brad mocked me.

I have started four consecutive paragraphs with the word "I." So let's change it up.

This is a story that goes back to the late 1980s, shortly after we moved to the Fairfield-Suisun area. Mrs. Brad and I were getting ready for work on a weekday when the radio station (KUIC, in Vacaville) had one of those wacky morning-radio giveaways called "sing for your supper." The DJ would name a song and the first three callers would sing it, with the best rendition winning a gift package (a gift certificate to a restaurant, bumper stickers, etc.).

Instead of the usual pop or novelty songs, this time they asked for "Strangers in the Night," the legendary Frank Sinatra tune.

I snorted and listened as two callers chimed in and tried to sing. They didn't know the words. They didn't know the tune.

"Come on!" I shouted at the radio. "Everybody knows the words. 'Strangers in the night, exchanging glances . . .' "

Mrs. Brad looked at me with confusion.

The DJ refused to award the prize, since the contestants didn't know the song. He asked for more callers.

I scoffed again. Mrs. Brad told me I should call, because I would win.

"Nah," I said.

No one was calling.

And then it started. Chicken sounds.

"Buck-buck-buckaaa! Buck-buck-buckaaa!" (That seems right to me, but imagine the classic chicken sound people make.)

Mrs. Brad was clucking at me. She was calling me out. My wife was saying I was afraid to call the radio station.

We all know how this should have turned out. I was an adult. Peer pressure shouldn't mean anything to me. Someone calling me "a chicken" shouldn't be enough to force me to do something I didn't want to do. I was a moral free agent!

"Buck-buck-buckaaa! Buck-buck-buckaaa!"

I laughed and shook my head. Ridiculous.

"Buck-buck-buckaaa!"

I'm not sure what happened next. The next thing I knew, the KUIC DJ was answering the phone. I had grabbed the phone in a fit of pique (no one calls me a chicken!) and called the station. I told him my name and from where I was calling.

A minute later, he introduced me. On the air. Mrs. Brad, listening while she brushed her teeth, came running out after she heard my voice over the radio.

Needless to say, I sang the song. Beautifully, I believe.

I even imposed a slight falsetto and a quiver in my voice for effect (" . . . before the night is throoooooough!").

Like a true professional, I sang until I was asked to stop. Actually, I kept singing until I was asked a second time to stop, but that's what professionals do.

I won the prize. I was the only contestant.

Later that day, I arrived at the Daily Republic and was greeted by a co-worker who heard me on the radio that morning and laughed at me. Later that week, I drove to Vacaville to pick up my prize. Even later that week, Mrs. Brad and I dined at the restaurant that awarded the gift certificate.

It was the taste of victory.

So yeah, I know what it's like to sing in a contest and win.

My two-fold secret? Be motivated by your spouse's childish insults. And be the only contestant who knows the words.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Time to rank Bay Area's top 10 pro athletes

You're not a sports fan, but you want to be informed. Or you're a sports fan and you want to argue with me.

No matter. I'm here to meet your needs. Because today I once again rank the top 10 Bay Area professional team sport athletes.

I've done this before, although not since 2014 (when eight of the athletes I rank today were left out of the top 10). The purpose of this is to give you an idea of who is important, who is rising and who is fading in the Bay Area pro sports scene. In other words, who is most important among the sports figures in the region.

This is the top 10. It's based on their popularity, their importance to their team and how much time local fans spend thinking about them (OK, maybe how much time I spend thinking of them).

10. Joe Thornton, Sharks.

I don't know much about hockey, but Thornton has been the face of the Sharks since 2005. He missed much of this year with a knee injury and is nearing 40, but he's the Sharks' marquee player.

9. Mike Krukow/Duane Kuiper, Giants.

The Giants' TV announcers are not the best broadcasters in the Bay Area. They're not even the best announcers for the Giants, but they're the most beloved. This year marks their 25th season as a team, meaning they have been together longer than many Giants fans have been alive.

8. Draymond Green, Warriors.

The most polarizing figure on the NBA's best team over the past few years, he is passionate and explosive. But he's also a unique talent in the NBA who is the league's best defensive player and who possesses the team's highest basketball IQ.

7. Jon Gruden, Raiders.

When the Raiders rehired the coach they traded in 2001, they suddenly have the most high-profile coach in the NFL. His snarling, funny, quirky personality earns him fans who give him more credit than his performance as a coach (95-81 record in 11 seasons, ending in 2008) deserve. But he's a star.

6. Madison Bumgarner, Giants.

The throwback ace of the Giants is still just 28, but already has a Paul Bunyan-sized reputation. The fact that he drives a truck and doesn't talk much just adds to it. He's sidelined until June or July, but remains high on this list.

5. Kevin Durant, Warriors.

Funny that one of the top three basketball players in the world ranks No. 5 in the region, but he still hasn't been here two years and was a full-fledged star before arriving.

4. Derek Carr, Raiders.

The Raiders quarterback would have ranked higher a year ago. With Gruden as coach and better health, he is a top-10 NFL quarterback.

3. Buster Posey, Giants.

The Joe Montana of baseball – a winner who fans will forever associate with the more glorious era of Giants baseball. He's the most likely player on the roster to spend his entire career with the team.

2. Jimmy Garoppolo, 49ers.

Garoppolo has been with the 49ers for a few months, but his role – the charmed starting quarterback for the most popular team (by far) in the region – puts him high on the list. He looks like the quarterback on a Disney movie.

1. Stephen Curry, Warriors.

The greatest player in Warriors history is also the most popular player in team history. He looks like a cartoon character and plays like a superhero. That he's equally likable off the court just adds to the mystique. He's injured now, but if the Warriors advance in the playoffs, his return will make them the championship favorites.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Emptying my notebook on vanilla, baby sprinkles and more

It's the second Sunday of April, which means (don't check) that it's time for my semiannual, ritualistic emptying of the notebook.

As my less-popular colleague Tony Wade observes, sometimes we have ideas that aren't enough to make up a column. Gathered together they create what we like to call a "think piece."

We are the only ones who call it that, by the way.

Such as:

• It's unfair that "vanilla" has turned into a synonym for "bland."

It happens all the time in sports or entertainment. If a performer or athlete is boring – on the stage or field or when dealing with the media – he or she is often dismissed as "vanilla."

Really?

Vanilla is a flavor! It's a strong flavor. Vanilla ice cream isn't ice cream without flavor. The flavor is vanilla!

If I was in the vanilla industry, I would champion this cause, because it's unfair.

Vanilla isn't bland. Vanilla is a flavor.

• A work friend recently attended a "baby sprinkle," which apparently is a thing. It's not a baby shower, it's a sprinkle. It's a way to get gifts for a second or third baby, apparently.

What? Why not just have a baby shower again if that's an issue. Why do we need to create a new term that is so obviously just an adjustment to the correct term (it's not a shower, it's a sprinkle!)?

That, by the way, is an old-man rant. Now get off my lawn and let me listen to my transistor radio.

• Did you see the report that the Pew Research Center has defined what makes someone a millennial?

According to Pew, the millennial generation is made up of people born between 1981 and 1996. That means the oldest millennials turn 37 this year and the youngest turn 22. (Although Pew is sloppy. The center said people born between 1981 and 1996, which literally means from Jan. 1, 1982 through Dec. 31, 1995. But they don't mean that. They meant from 1981 through 1996.)

The Pew decision brings the next problem: What do we call those born from 1997 to present? For now, Pew is calling them post-millennials, but that will likely change.

By the way, only one generation is designated such by U.S. Census Bureau – baby boomers, born from 1946 through 1964.

Now you're smarter.

• The reboot of "American Idol" on ABC is a success – if you consider "it seems just like it was before it went off the air a few years ago" to be the measure of success.

There are good singers, great (if clearly manipulative) storytelling, likable judges. Except . . .

I know that Luke Bryan is a country music legend. He seems like a nice guy. But he also seems like a stereotypical southerner straight out of "The Andy Griffith Show" – he comes across as a simpleton.

Maybe he is?

• Here's something said frequently in movies and on TV shows, but rarely in real life: "Are you threatening my family?"

It's usually at the peak of tension and is stated with an angry confidence, as if the speaker will make the person make the threat rue the day the did it.

It doesn't happen to most of  us, so I recommend you try to work it into a conversation this week. At your job, for instance, when someone asks how your weekend went, walk over to them, look them in the eye and quietly say, "Are you threatening my family?"

Then stare them down.

Trust me. It will be great. Right up until you get called in by the human resources person.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

After decades, 'The Cat in the Hat' still haunts me

When my sons were preschoolers, I was always exhausted. Parenthood and a swing shift will do that to you.

Fortunately, I learned some tricks, including memorization. I could "read" their books with my eyes closed and little energy – most notably "The Cat in the Hat."

(This is a confession, not a recommendation. And to understand the rest of this column, it's helpful to know the plot of "The Cat in the Hat.")

I could go from "The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play . . ." all the way through the appearance of The Cat in the Hat, the destruction of the house, the appearance of Thing 1 and Thing 2, the miraculous cleanup and the return of mother. Without opening my eyes.

Now that Mrs. Brad and I have our first grandchild, the circle of life is about to come around and I'll again be reading Dr. Seuss, which got me thinking . . . what the heck was the point of "The Cat in the Hat"?

I'm certainly not alone in questioning Dr. Seuss' writing, which is brilliant but sometimes disturbing (for instance, was "Green Eggs and Ham" really a willingness to try drugs? Does Sam I Am represent your neighborhood dealer and are "green eggs and ham" really LSD?). However, nearly every element of "The Cat in the Hat" is upsetting if you think about it while reading to a 3-year-old.

Consider, for instance:

1. The fish represents responsibility in the book, but Seuss made him (her?) a prissy killjoy. Why would a child's book portray the most responsible character as joyless, while making the irresponsible party likable. Kind of.

2. Why does the fish consider the mother of the children in the book to be his mother. In fact, he calls her "our mother." He's a fish! Someone needs to inform him that Sally's mother is his owner, not his mother.

3. What exactly are Thing 1 and Thing 2? Are they related to The Cat in the Hat? Are they his minions, forced to do his bidding? Are they the muscle in some Cat in the Hat mob? All we know is after The Cat in the Hat wreaks havoc on the household – mostly by performing ill-advised balancing acts – Thing 1 and Thing 2 make things worse. The house is in chaos and mother is approaching before The Cat in the Hat rides in on a bizarre machine that cleans everything.

4. What the heck is going on with the mother? The children in the story are clearly no older than elementary-school age, yet the mother leaves them at home with very little instruction. You get the feeling that had something gone horribly wrong (The Cat in the Hat starts a fire, burning the domicile to ashes; Thing 1 and Thing 2 cook the pet fish for lunch), it would end up with her in jail. She left two young children alone for hours to fend for themselves.

5. Most importantly, can I get one of The Cat in the Hat's cleaning machines? That thing is amazing!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.