The sad absence of bullpen carts, famous heavyweight boxers

Contrary to popular belief among people my age, everything wasn't better when we were young.

TVs weren't – and anyone who tried to move one of those 45-pounders (all the weight in the back) with a 13-inch screen will agree.

Coffee wasn't – we drank gross coffee, usually with chemical creamers.

Cars weren't, even if they were more romantic. You can expect to get 200,000 miles out of it a modern car. That wasn't true before.

But some things were better. A few things.

The other day I thought about how sports has changed (mostly for the better) over my lifetime. Better athletes. Better (more) media coverage. Better strategy.

But some things were better back in the day. Not as in "of higher quality," but as in "more fun to watch."

Here are five things that would improve sports if they were brought back:

Less athletic (and less accurate) football kickers. In my childhood (the dawn of the soccer-style kicker in the NFL), kickers were either doughy Americans or former European soccer players. Ideally, doughy former soccer players. The classic football kicker was a 33-year-old former Austrian pro soccer player who was 5-foot-10, 233 pounds, with a single face bar on his helmet. Also, he was better than any American-born kicker, but maybe 60% as accurate as any current kicker. Kickers were exotic in my childhood. Now? Just another athlete.

Famous heavyweight boxers. The world seemed a more reliable place when everyone knew Muhammed Ali (or Joe Frazier or George Foreman or Leon Spinks) was the . . . WORLD . . . HEAVYWEIGHT . . . CHAMPION. It was a thing. My mom knew who the heavyweight champ was. My teachers knew who the heavyweight champ was. Now, there are myriad organizations with champions and mixed martial arts surpassed boxing as a spectator sport. There's no more Ali fights on network TV. I miss that. Sports was better with a heavyweight champ everyone knew.

The red-white-and-blue basketball. This was the staple of the American Basketball Association (which existed from 1967-1976), along with the 3-point line, a  wide-open style of play and Dr. J. The other elements all made it into modern basketball, but the ball – easily the coolest thing about the league, according to my elementary school classmates – disappeared. Basketball is great now. It would be better with a multi-colored (patriotic?) ball.

Football played on baseball fields. Virtually every NFL team used to play games in September (and sometimes in October) on a field that was included the infield for that city's major league baseball team. You had to calculate for the dirt. Kickers (see above) faced a challenge. The yard lines got messed up easily on dirt. The presence of the infield reminded you that the Giants or A's or Phillies or Twins played in the same stadium. Now every NFL team has its own stadium. I miss the infield.

Bullpen carts. From the 1950s until the 1990s, baseball pitchers entering the game from the bullpen used some sort of vehicle. The best part was the vehicle (usually a golf cart) was decorated, sometimes with the team's batting helmet over it, sometimes with the team logo. The Chicago White Sox even used a Chrysler LeBaron for a few years. Now pitchers run in, which is nice, but not as cool as riding in on a cart. Baseball should require this to come back.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Notorious B.I.G., crop circles, Bigfoot and local urban legends

Everyone knows about urban legends. There's the one about how cracking knuckles causing arthritis. There's the one about the Loch Ness Monster. There's the one about Elvis Presley staging his death. There's the one about the Raiders caring about Oakland fans.

For the most part, urban legends are absurd. But there's enough truth in good urban legends to create interest, right? History shows that repeating them makes people more likely to believe them.

Well . . .

I'm a booster for Solano County and a supporter of Solano County urban legends. I occasionally write about Solano urban legends, hoping that their presence on the internet will spawn interest in this area and create tourism. Kind of like those crop circles in Suisun Valley back in 2003. Remember them? More on them later . . .

I've previously shared urban legends about the possibility of Kim Kardashian attending Vanden High School and Jimmy Carter owning land near Bird's Landing. I've shared the urban legend of John F. Kennedy water skiing in Suisun City and the possibility that the song "Hotel California" is about a Vacaville motel. I've suggested Amelia Earhardt's plane is hidden at Travis Air Force Base.

All may be true. Or may not be. Who knows?

But I recently heard from a guy who said his cousin knows a guy who said that . . .

The Notorious B.I.G. actually lives in Suisun City. I heard that he staged his death in 1997 because he knew he was the target of assassins. Biggie subsequently rented a three-bedroom tract home in Suisun City and lives off money he invested in offshore accounts, receiving a check for $6,000 every month.  Nearing 50, he's lived in the neighborhood long enough that he's known as "Mr. Wallace," and most neighbors assume receives some sort of government disability payment. The person who told me this said that B.I.G. stands for "By Island (Grizzly)." Makes sense.

Bigfoot was seen in the hills above Green Valley. While Fairfield is a long way from the traditional areas that commemorate their connection to Bigfoot, there is a persistent rumor that Sasquatch has been seen many times by residents around Green Valley Country Club. Word is that the Solano County Sheriff Department has been urged to keep the reports quiet because it could drive down home values. Bigfoot allegedly has friends in City Hall. Makes sense.

Suisun Valley circles were a test run for use in Afghanistan. In 2003, a series of amazing crop circles appeared in Suisun Valley near Larry's Produce. Some teens initially said they did it, but investigators determined that it was too sophisticated for that. There was never an official explanation for the circles, although their appearance created a cottage industry of T-shirt sales and visitors in tin-foil hats. I heard that the National Reconnaissance Office created the circles to see their impact, hoping similar versions in Afghanistan could lead to a quick conclusion to the then-burgeoning war. The crop circles were a local success, but the feds soon discovered that no one in Afghanistan had seen "Signs," the Mel Gibson movie about crop circles that came out a year earlier. Instead of crop circles, the military stayed in Afghanistan for nearly 20 more years and the NRO instead worked to improve the ability to distribute American films in Kabul so the next plan would work. Makes sense.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

'Bullpen' isn't the only baseball word that could offend animals

During last month's World Series, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) made a good point and opened a can of worms (no offense to worms): In a press release, the animal rights organization argued that major league baseball should “strike out the word bullpen in favor of a more modern, animal-friendly term.”

PETA sys baseball should stop using the term "bullpen." It suggested "arm barn."

The press release went on to explain why: " 'Bullpen' refers to the area of a 'bull’s pen' where bulls are held before they are slaughtered — it’s a word with speciesist roots and we can do better than that."

Hmmm. Interesting. I don't want to be speciesist, so I contacted my best source in the animal kingdom. Scott Coyote is the grandson of Looney Toons legend Wile E. Coyote, longtime rival of Road Runner.

Scott has made a career out of representing the interests of animals – working for Acme Animal Rights.

"It's absolutely the right time for that term to be removed," Scott said from his office as he strapped a missile on his back as part of his effort to catch the grandson of his grandfather's rival. "We consider that the necessary first step."

"First step?" I asked. "You mean there are other words you want to eliminate?"

Scott howled in the way only coyotes can. "Baseball is filled with speciesist words," he said. "They need to be changed."

I asked for an example.

"You want one to start?" he yelped. "What position did Buster Posey play?"

"Catcher."

"Right. Catcher. Cat-sure. When you say the word, it sounds like cat-sure," Scott said. "It brings out the old stereotype of cats being sure-footed. Oh, they mostly are, but how many cats have been forced to land on their feet because someone watched a baseball game and  heard cat-sure."

I told him that seemed a stretch.

"Oh, more cat stereotyping?" he said. "Stretch? Of course you'd say that."

I didn't want to keep pursuing that, so I asked him if there are other offensive terms.

"What sound do humans make when they try to sound like a chicken?" he asked.

"I don't know. Cluck?"

"No. Balk. Balk-balk-balk! That's what you say. And you use it for a pitcher in baseball making a mistake. More speciesist terminology."

This was getting a little out of hand. I told Scott that balk and catcher didn't seem like they were denigrating animals.

"That's because you're human. And sometimes, it's not about denigrating animals. Sometimes it's about elevating humanity at the expense of animals."

I asked what he meant. He asked me what we call the person in charge of the baseball team.

"The owner?"

"No. The person who runs the team."

"Oh. Manager."

"Exactly," Scott said. "Man-ager. Not Animal-ager. Man-ager. Because how could a non-human be smart enough to make all those decisions, right? Face it. Baseball is speciesist."

I told Scott it was unlikely that baseball would change all those traditional words. He pointed out that the former Cleveland Indians changed their name to the Guardians this year to avoid insulting people. Why couldn't baseball do the same for animals? And not just mammals, he said.

"Not just mammals?" What do you mean?" I asked

"What's the most common word in baseball?" Scott asked. "Fly. Fly ball. Pop fly. Infield fly. Fly out. Have you ever considered what those words – which almost always are a way a batter can make an out – do to the self-image of a house fly?"

Suddenly "arm barn" didn't seem so drastic.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Ignore what Big Calendar says, because winter starts today

In what will come as no surprise to longtime readers or to anyone who's heard me mumbling as I walk around town, I'm here to remind you that today marks the beginning of winter.

Oh, sure, the Big Calendar lobby wants you to think that Dec. 21 is the first day of winter. That's the winter solstice, they say. That's four days before Christmas, they say. That's a palindrome number (12-21, the same forward and backward), they say.

OK, maybe they don't say the last one. I just realized it. It's kind of cool.

But the reality is that for most of us, winter doesn't start on the shortest day of the year. Winter stars when daylight saving time ends – today.

For the next 18 weeks, we'll experience darkness in the early evening. A 60-degree day will seem warm. It will be rainy (hopefully!), dark and dreary.

Today starts the dark days of the year – the 18 weeks when we're stuck with standard time.

I won't rail against standard time (if you want to read that, go back and read my column from the first Sunday in November or the second Sunday in March almost any year), I'll just note a key passage of the calendar. Baseball is over. Halloween is past. Barbecuing and sitting in the sun and going to the beach are done for the next 18 weeks.

We have to live it, but we don't have to endorse it. I'll repeat that we should keep rolling back the time to ensure that it continues to be light at 7 p.m., even if that means sunup is at 11 a.m.

But we won't and winter is here.

On to the topics du jour . . .

Remember when we used to say, "There's nothing to watch on TV?"

When was the last time you said or thought that? Five years ago? Ten years?

With the advent of myriad streaming services, on-demand shows and more, most of us make our TV decisions based on what we won't watch, not what we will watch. It's almost hard to imagine how it used to be.

When I tell someone I grew up in a town with two TV stations, it feels like when I was a kid and some old person would tell me that they listened to "The Lone Ranger" on the radio while growing up.

•••

Speaking of TV changes, we're on the verge (and already are there in some ways) of companies bundling TV services and selling them to us as a package.

We used to have that.

It was called cable TV.

•••

This is a little late, but better late than never, I guess: The emails that resulted in the firing of former Las Vegas Raiders coach Jon Gruden were unsurprising.

I don't know anything special about Gruden (other than he was a mediocre coach who somehow convinced people he's a genius), but I'm familiar with the culture of football coaches in general and professional football coaches in particular.

There are a lot of Jon Grudens out there in both college and professional football. He was closer to the rule than the exception.

•••

A reminder that you'll hear over and over in the coming months: California's drought isn't over. And if somehow we get 50 inches of rain and the drought ends, the message will pivot: The fire danger isn't over. And the pandemic isn't over.

All may be true, but can't something end?

Do we ever get a celebration?

Oh, I know. We'll celebrate March 13, 2022, when daylight saving time returns.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

The plane truth: Please ignore your seatmate who has earbuds

"All passengers have boarded, " the flight attendant said as I finally relaxed in my window seat. "If you have an empty seat next to you, congratulations."

I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a five-hour flight and I paid Southwest a little extra to get a window seat. All the rows around me had empty middle seats, presumably because business travel (this was a Wednesday morning flight) is still down due to COVID-19.

This was my first business trip since the pandemic. I was hoping for a peaceful flight and thought it was likely after the flight attendant's announcement.

Then I saw the man in the aisle. A late arrival.

He was about my age and a little bigger than me. Like everyone on the plane, I looked down, thinking "keep walking. Keep walking. Keep walking. Keep walking."

Of course he didn't.

He stopped, loaded an oversized carry-on bag above my row, then shimmied past the woman on the aisle seat and sat next to me, flopping his elbows on the armrests and sighing loudly. "I barely made it," he told me, ignoring the fact that I had earbuds in. "My wife dropped me off at the wrong terminal. Then I cut my arm going through TSA." He showed me a bandage that covered an obviously bloody forearm.

Yay!

Actually, my seatmate was nice – in the overly talkative, wanting to fully inform me about his life kind of way. Again ignoring my earbuds, he told me about a recent trip to see his newest grandchild, then proceeded to pull out his phone and show me photos. And more photos. And more. He showed me a photo of someone on a canoe trip in Florida and zoomed in to reveal a turtle.

Again, nice guy. Just more interested in chatting up a stranger than in letting me sleep.

I faded out, then woke up after a bit and he began chatting again, this time about his large knife and machete collection. I was sitting next to a guy who was telling me about his weapon collection!

He didn't ask me anything (I would have said I oppose photography on phones and believe knives and machetes should be taken away by the government, just to get him to stop.) Then, as we began our descent, he said, "The takeoff and landing are the only interesting parts of the flight." I didn't agree and he said, "Well, yeah. If you're going to crash, it will happen on the landing." HE SAID THAT AS WE WERE PREPARING TO LAND. I swallowed hard and looked out the window as the ground rushed toward us.

This isn't news: Flights are seldom comfortable and they're made worse when you have a bad seatmate.

Mine wasn't bad. He was friendly. He was talkative. He had a machete collection. He talked about plane crashes as we landed.

Maybe that's the reason the flights aren't generally full yet.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.