Bradstradamus gives you a preview of 2018

So another year goes in the books at midnight and we welcome 2018, which will hopefully bring better news than this year.

The past year in review? Strife, fires, disasters.

And that's just the seasons for the Giants and Raiders, right?

Anyway, we're finishing the time of year when news outlets highlight the top stories of the previous year, so I'm doing something different: Predicting what's to come.

That's right, this is a worldwide scoop. Below are 13 things that will happen in 2018, predicted by Bradstradamus. Take these to the bank!

Jan. 17: While at the grocery store, you see several lines and pick the shortest one. By the time you reach the cashier, the other lines have cycled through twice and have no one standing in them.

Feb. 14: Social media fills with people saying how much they hate Valentine's Day, which reminds you: You don't really like it either, you just don't say it.

Feb. 20: Midway through the Winter Olympics, everyone agrees that NBC's coverage of the Games is terrible and we lament that coverage isn't like it used to be – hearkening to a time when we . . . complained about the coverage and lamented that it wasn't what it used to be.

March 5: A day after watching the Academy Awards on TV, you declare that you'll go see that movie that won all the awards. Then you wait until it comes to Netflix. Then you forget it.

April 28: Midway through the NBA playoffs, I insist that there is no guarantee that the Warriors and Cavaliers will meet for the fourth consecutive year in the Finals, because anything can happen.

May 31: Warriors and Cavaliers begin their fourth straight NBA Finals.

June 22: On the second day of summer, state leaders warn that this could be a terrible fire season, due to the lack of rain (or abundance of rain, or regular amount of rain) during the winter. In other words, when everything dries out later in the year, fire danger will be high. Hmm.

July 5: You wake up exhausted, due to watching fireworks (they don't start until after 9:15 p.m.!) and being kept awake by insane neighbors who make your neighborhood sound like a war zone. Welcome to America!

Aug. 22: President Donald Trump tweets something that inflames his opponents and excites his supporters, even though it's just a tweet from a 72-year-old man who doesn't know the rules concerning capitalization. #Sad!

Sept. 17: A man at Allan Witt Park spends much of the afternoon teaching his 12-year-old poodle how to fetch a stick, thus disproving the old saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Oct. 31: After seeing a coworker or friend dressed up for Halloween, you have an idea of how you could dress up next year. Within 10 minutes, you forget it. Until Oct. 31, 2019.

Dec. 23: I write another of the "Solano County quiz" columns, alternately boring and thrilling readers. Mostly the former. (Bet the farm on this one.)

Dec. 31: You see (on a website, social media or TV) a list of all the bad things that happened in 2018 – dramatic news, natural disasters, celebrity deaths – and think, "2019 has to be better." Because you already forgot that a man taught an old dog a new trick just a few months earlier.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

The annual 'How well do you know Solano' quiz

It's another Christmas Eve, which means it's time for my annual quiz to see how well you know the county in which you live.

Unless, of course, you don't live in Solano County, in which case you can view this as a quiz to see how well you know the county in which I live.

Anyway, it's 20 questions and it starts . . . now:

1. There are nine Bay Area counties. Where does Solano rank in population among them (first being the largest, ninth being the smallest)?

2. Name the seven cities in Solano County.

3. Which is larger: The inmate population at the two prisons in Vacaville or the number of students who attend Solano Community College?

4. What was the No. 1 crop in Solano in 2016, based on earnings?

5. What baseball Hall of Fame member lives in Solano County?

6. Within two inches, what is the average annual rainfall in Fairfield-Suisun (measured at Travis Air Force Base)?

7. Name the five counties that touch Solano.

8. What two members of the House of Representatives represent parts of Solano County?

9. When was the last presidential election in which the Republican candidate carried Solano County?

10. What two cities in the county are closest in terms of population?

11. Who is the largest non-governmental employer in Fairfield?

12. Fairfield is 37.6 square miles. Within 3 square miles, how large is Suisun City?

13. What is the largest high school in Solano County, in terms of students?

14. On the Wikipedia page about Vallejo, who are the first three individuals mentioned? (One right gets credit.)

15. Within 10 years, when was the first Solano County Fair held?

16. Which movie theater has more screens, Brendan Theatres in Vacaville or Edwards Cinemas in Fairfield?

17. Which city has a larger population: Fairfield, Calif., or Fairfield, Conn.?

18. Which Wade brother is my favorite?

19. In terms of size, what is the largest public park in Fairfield?

20. What is the official name of the Solano mall?

ANSWERS

1. Seventh, behind Santa Clara, Alameda, Contra Costa, San Francisco, San Mateo and Sonoma, but ahead of Marin and Napa.

2. Benicia, Dixon, Fairfield, Rio Vista, Suisun City, Vacaville, Vallejo.

3. The college. It has about 10,000 students, while the two prisons combine for about 6,500 inmates.

4. Walnuts, with $44.8 million in gross earnings.

5. Orlando Cepeda lives in Fairfield.

6. 24.89 inches. So you get credit for guessing 23 to 26 inches.

7. Contra Costa, Sonoma, Napa, Yolo, Sacramento.

8. Democrats John Garamendi and Mike Thompson.

9. Ronald Reagan in 1984.

10. Suisun City (28,111) and Benicia (26,997)

11. Vallejo Kaiser Permanente, with nearly 4,000 employees.

12. 4.2 square miles, so take credit for estimating 2-7 square miles.

13. Armijo High, with nearly 2,400 students.

14. Zodiac killer, Mac Dre and E-40.

15. 1950.

16. Trick question! They each have 16 screens.

17. California, with a population of about 112,000. The population of Fairfield, Conn., is about 61,000.

18. Kelvin.

19. Rockville Hills Park at 633 acres.

20. Solano Town Center

SCORING

0 to 8: Remember when Suisun City was rated as the worst city in the Bay Area about 30 years ago? That's you.

9 to 15: Pretty solid. Treat yourself to a movie at the largest theater in the region. (Get it?)

16 to 20: Expert. About twice what I got after I wrote the questions.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Baseball legend's potential return gives hope to my generation

In what could only be good news for men born before 1970, Rafael Palmeiro says he's considering a comeback to major league baseball.

Palmeiro is 53. He was born in 1964.

All men in their 50s and older are ready to give him a standing ovation. Assuming we can get out of our easy chairs to do so.

Ahh, never mind. Can you pass us the chips?

For the uninitiated, Palmeiro should be a legendary player, one of five men in history to record 500 homers and 3,000 hits in his career. But his career ended ignominiously when he was suspended in 2005 after testing positive for steroids – just a few months after he told a congressional panel (while shaking his finger at them!) that he'd never used steroids.

Ooops!

Now he's talking about a comeback. Of epic proportions.

"I want to prove to myself I can do it on a high level," Palmeiro told a reporter, "then walk away feeling good about the whole body of work."

While walking away, he'll stop and catch his breath, put on a sweater to keep out the chill, then begin muttering about kids and their fancy mobile phones and hip-hop music.

Because he's old.

Baltimore Orioles general manager Dan Duquette (born in 1958) didn't rule out the possibility of Palmeiro's comeback.

"It would be an interesting story," Duquette said. "It's like tying your shoes . . . If you can hit, then you can hit."

Easy to say if you don't grunt when you tie your shoes and calculate when it will be acceptable to wear shoes with Velcro straps.

Still . . . there are interesting issues to consider when thinking about a 53-year-old man playing major league baseball.

Considering that there were only three active players last year born before 1975 (the oldest, Bartolo Colon, was born in 1973), Palmeiro would be a walking, talking, finger-pointing commercial for those who claim that "50 is the new 30."

(Incidentally, those same people often claim that 300 pounds is the new 200 pounds. In other words, they believe a lie.)

Imagine a baby boomer big league baseball player, a man who played his first major league game when Ronald Reagan was president and the Soviet Union was five years from ending. Imagine the joy among aging men all over the nation.

But based on personal experience, I suspect a 53-year-old Palmeiro would need some specific clauses in his contract, such as:

• A provision allowing him to opt out of games once it's 9 p.m. Sure, when we were younger, it was nothing to stay up late. But once you hit a certain age, the idea that you used to routinely see midnight is mind-blowing. Frankly, the idea that I used to see 10 p.m. is kind of mind-blowing.
• None of that noisy modern music in the clubhouse. If you want something upbeat, try the Bee Gees or maybe even Lynyrd Skynyrd. How about the Eagles?
• More fiber in the post-game and pregame meals.
• More bathroom breaks during games.
• A waiver for Palmeiro in case he tests positive for Geritol. (Side note: I tried that gag on a 20-something co-worker, who had never heard of Geritol. Kids these days!)
• More dramatic signs from the third-base coach. And the ability to use bifocals while playing.
• Approval to wear a sweater during cool games. And would it hurt them to add a heater or air conditioner near Palmeiro in the dugout?

Palmeiro's return would be epic. It would give my generation another reason to believe we can do anything.

The return of Palmeiro would be . . . umm . . . oh, never mind. I can't remember what I was saying. Can you remember where I put my sweater?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Toy Hall of Fame gets it right with Wiffle Ball

My reaction to the 2017 Toy Hall of Fame class in four words: It's about darned time.

When the world's most important hall of fame announced its most recent list of inductees in early November, the most important toy of my childhood finally got recognition: The Wiffle Ball.

The Wiffle Ball was joined in the 2017 class by the paper airplane and the board game Clue – while 2017 nominees such as the Magic 8 ball, Matchbox cars, Pez candy dispenser and the card game Uno were left on the outside, looking in. As was sand, which failed in its bid to join 2008 inductee stick in an "also appears in nature" category.

The toys are enshrined at The Strong museum in Rochester, New York, which has been naming toys to the shrine since 1998 (the legendary first class that included Barbie, Crayola crayons, Erector set, Etch A Sketch, Frisbee, LEGO, marbles, Monopoly, Play-Doh, Teddy bear and Tinker toy).

There were undoubtedly some tough choices this year. For instance, both My Little Pony and Transformers failed to make the cut, continuing the ongoing dominance of baby boomer toys. There was likely criticism that the board game Risk failed while Clue made it: Does the shrine favor detective work over international diplomacy?

But, alas, who cares? The Wiffle Ball is in!

For the uninformed, Wiffle Balls are plastic baseballs with what the Hall of Fame calls "eight oblong slots cut into one hemisphere." The result is a "baseball" that dodges and darts when thrown by a savvy 13-year-old.

The plastic balls arrived in the early 1950s and came at the perfect time: the spread of suburban backyards made them a perfect place for a baseball game that shrinks the field.

For baseball fans of my generation (particularly those of us who weren't very good at it), the Wiffle Ball was magical. You could throw curve balls that broke either way. You could throw knuckleballs. And you could hit against your friends with a plastic bat . . . all in a confined space.

My pal Dana and I played Wiffle Ball constantly during the summer (plus variations of it, with tennis balls replacing the plastic ball to make home runs easier to hit). At Stanhope Field, all of right field was off a retaining wall, which allowed the ball to roll and roll and roll – and led me to hit almost exclusively left-handed to take advantage of the dimensions.

The point isn't so much that I could hit lefty or that I could strike out Dana with a knuckleball or even that I set the single-season home run record (all of which are important), but that the Wiffle Ball allowed the two of us – and generations of kids – to play baseball without having to gather 18 people to play regular baseball or even a half-dozen to play "work-ups" (perhaps another column).

Wiffle Ball made my middle school and early high school summers fun. I welcome the Wiffle Ball into the Toy Hall of Fame and await the day that its every-other-sport partner, the Nerf ball, can join it, in the same way that Raggedy Andy joined Raggedy Ann two years after she was inducted.

And if you disagree with me, I'll strike you out with a knuckleball.

Just like I could strike out Dana. And set a single-season homer record against him, in case you forgot what I wrote three paragraphs ago.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Christmas classic really 'a dysfunctional life'

In the days when the legendary Frank Capra film was in the public domain, "It's a Wonderful Life" was on multiple TV channels every day. Now, it's only on NBC, but the message continues: Generosity and sacrifice are what make you "rich."

Except that's not the true message. "It's a Wonderful Life" is really a study of dysfunctional people who celebrate passivity, alcoholism and irresponsibility.

It's a dysfunctional life!

To prove it, here are the 10 most dysfunctional people in the beloved holiday movie, counting down.

10. Mary Bailey. She's largely above the fray, although her teenage manipulation of George and Sam Wainwright is desperate. And while George is trying to save the town with his banking prowess, she allows the kids to run wild in that atrocious house. (Interestingly, in the non-George world, she's the biggest victim: She isn't married, she's an old maid who works at the library! The horrors! She never married!).

9. Mr. Potter. Unlikable, but one of the few residents of Bedford Falls who stays true to himself. He likes money and power. He's despicable, but at least he's not a sniveling coward like . . . well, you'll see.

8. Tony Wade. Columnist for the Bedford Falls Republic, he remains insanely loyal to the Potter-owned Bedford Falls Raiders, who are about to leave town for the second time in three decades.

7. Ma Bailey. When her husband dies, she transfers all the responsibility to her sons. When Uncle Billy gets so drunk he can't stand up, she gladly sends him home. She's reckless.

6. Bert and Ernie. Bedford Falls' only police officer and cab driver team up to consistently help George avoid repercussions, including when Bert looks the other way when a clearly inebriated George runs into a tree (it could have been a child!) on Christmas Eve.

5. Sam Wainwright. Let's face it: Sam is a skirt-chasing lightweight who makes a lot of money by selling gullible Americans plastic products. He's the guy you would avoid at a class reunion.

4. Harry Bailey. George's better-looking, fly-boy brother saved all those men on that transport and returned a war hero – then expected George to take care of Mom while he chased women and money.

3. Mr. Gower. Sure, his son died in World War I, but his response? He drinks himself senseless, nearly poisons a drug store customer and when confronted, he hits George in the head. He beat a child while drunk, trying to kill a customer. Gower should have been imprisoned.

2. Uncle Billy. Ah, the charming drunk who can't keep records and unwittingly destroys your business. It's really nice that he holds a responsible job at the Bailey Savings and Loan, right? He's what happens when everyone allows you to avoid consequences.

1. George Bailey. The ostensible hero of the story, he is really the chief enabler. Bailey consistently refuses to stand up for himself, then whines about lost opportunities. That doesn't even include the fact that Bailey was a grown man when he began pursuing teenage Mary and the fact that his solution to a life crisis was to get drunk, then drive through town. Don't get me started on the fact that he raises his misbehaving kids in an unsafe home.

Enjoy the movie!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.