Bringing SCIENCE to our calendar with New Year's Day in March

It is said that time is just our mind's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.

If so, the calendar is just a man-made way to measure the passage of time, which is artificial.

It's man-made and I say we should change it. We can throw the whole thing out.

If we want to maintain the pretense of following the Gregorian calendar (established in 1582, Tom Brady's rookie year in the NFL), we can agree on something: There's room for improvement.

That is more obvious today than any day of the year. It's the day after Christmas, nearing the end of the holiday season, but we have another holiday coming up this week.

We still have New Year's Day (and New Year's Eve).

It's another holiday after a seemingly endless series of holidays. It's there because someone long ago (Tom Brady? Maybe) decided that the new year on the man-made calendar would start seven days after Christmas.

The decisionmaker didn't account for holiday fatigue, nor for the fact that they added another day off when the weather is bad.

Can't we agree that the cavalcade of holidays (particularly the Thanksgiving-Hanukkah-Christmas-Kwanzaa-New Year's Day series) is at least one holiday too many?

My proposal is simple. It doesn't fix every calendar problem (such as the weird variation in how long "a month" is), but it fixes the biggest problem (having Christmas and New Year's Day seven days apart).

Doesn't it make more sense to start the year when spring starts (at least in the Northern Hemisphere. We could start it when fall starts in the Southern Hemisphere)?

Here is the Stanhope Change in Every Nation's Calendar Events (SCIENCE) plan: New Year's Day becomes the first day of spring (March 19, 20 or 21, depending on the year).

You don't like this? Are you disputing SCIENCE?

Imagine a world where we follow SCIENCE: New Year's Day comes at the start of spring (for 85% of the world's population), when it should. Things are growing. It's getting warmer. It's a time of renewal.

We don't need a needless middle-of-winter holiday (I realize Dec. 31 is only the 11th day of winter, but that's another column: How our seasons are wrong). Instead, we get a day off when it's starting to get warmer and nicer–or at worst, warmer, nicer days are coming.

The only potential downside is that the SCIENCE New Year's Day can fall near Easter and Passover, but according to my calculations, Easter falls within a week of March 19-21 only twice in the next 20 years. So not really a problem.

This change makes things better for us, since it spreads out holidays. It presumably makes things better for businesses, which have a shorter time to account for being understaffed in December. It's better for everyone.

The change requires only one group to modify how it works: Calendar makers would presumably make 13-month calendars that would include March twice (since the year begins March 19-21).

Would they be sad? No, it changes nothing.

This week, as you get ready to commemorate the New Year, think about how this would be in March.

It would be the same celebration, just a bigger deal. And it would be welcomed as a more special holiday.

You don't agree? Fine. You're arguing with SCIENCE.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

How well do you know Solano County? Find out now

It's a tradition as entrenched as Black Friday, burning the Christmas yule, singing Christmas carols and watching "It's a Wonderful Life."

My annual Solano County quiz, which is in its 78th year.

The quiz is also a tradition as beloved as waiting in line at a store, having your packages delivered late and being forced to wear an ugly Christmas sweater that you were unaware was considered "ugly."

Following are 20 questions on Solano County, things that should (could? Might?) be known by a resident of one of California's 27 original counties. Get some paper, a No. 2 pencil, record your answers and don't look at the correct versions, which are at the end. How well do you know your county?

QUESTIONS

1. What are the seven cities in Solano County (bonus point for listing them in order of population, smallest to largest)?

2. What five counties border Solano County?

3. Within 1,000, how many inmates are there at the two state prisons in Vacaville, combined?

4. Within eight spots, where does Solano County rank among California's 58 counties in terms of population?

5. After whom is Solano County named?

6. Which is closer to Fairfield: Oakland or Sacramento?

7. What was Solano County's leading agricultural crop (in terms of dollars) in 2020?

8. Tony and Kelvin Wade: Who is whom?

9. Within five years, in what year did Travis Air Force base officially take on that name?

10. Within five years, in what year was Fairfield incorporated as a city?

11. Name the three largest general high schools in the Fairfield-Suisun Unified School District.

12. In which two Solano County cities are their public airports?

13. What is the official name of the large mall in Fairfield?

14. What was the name of the minor league baseball team that played in Vacaville in 2000-2002?

15. What was the last name of the person after whom Dixon is named?

16. What was the last year in which the majority of Solano County's voters voted for a Republican presidential candidate in the general election?

17. What two members of Congress represent Solano County?

18. What month on average receives the most rainfall in Suisun City?

19. Which city has a larger population: Fairfield, California, or Fairfield, Connecticut?

20. According to CoreLogic, was the median price of a home sold in Fairfield in October more or less than $550,000?

ANSWERS

1. Rio Vista, Dixon, Benicia, Suisun City, Vacaville, Fairfield, Vallejo.

2. Contra Costa, Sonoma, Napa, Yolo, Sacramento.

3. As of Dec. 8, reported total was 5,290 (1,980 at CMF, 3,310 at California State Prison Solano).

4. 19th, between Tulare and Santa Barbara.

5. Sem-Yeto, who was renamed Francisco Solano (later Chief Solano) at the San Francisco Mission.

6. Oakland is 41 miles, Sacramento is 47 miles.

7. Almonds, at just over $50 million.

8. I don't know. It's possible they are one person, posing as brothers.

9. 1951.

10. 1903.

11. Armijo, Fairfield and Rodriguez high schools.

12. Vacaville (Nut Tree Airport) and Rio Vista (Rio Vista Municipal Airport).

13. Solano Town Center.

14. Solano Steelheads.

15. Thomas Dickson. The town's name was changed in 1872 when the first rail shipment of merchandise for the town was sent to "Dixon" and it was easier to make the switch, presumably.

16. 1984 (Ronald Reagan received 54.5% of the vote).

17. Democrats John Garamendi and Mike Thompson.

18. February (3.8 inches on average).

19. Fairfield, California. It has nearly twice the population.

20. More: $590,500.

SCORING

16-20: Genius

11-15: Pretty smart

6-10: Are you pretending to be the Wade brothers?

0-5: Take the test again.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

A complicated, deeper look at our favorite Christmas carols

I like Christmas carols. I sing Christmas carols. When radio stations start playing Christmas songs (usually around Thanksgiving), I start listening.

I love "O Holy Night" and "Silent Night" and "Joy to the World." I love "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." I have a particular affection for early-1980s songs "Last Christmas" and "Do They Know it's Christmas?"

But the genre isn't perfect. Far from it. Frankly, some Christmas songs are sinister, some are meaningless and a surprising number are not about Christmas.

Pull up a chair for three observations on Christmas songs that may change your perspective.

Most menacing song: A lot has been made in recent years of how "Baby It's Cold Outside" is the "rapiest" Christmas song – with good reason, since the lyrics involve a man who won't take "no" for an answer.

However, I believe another song is equally menacing. "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" seems happy, but takes a dark turn when the singers demand figgy pudding and tell the listeners, "we won't go until we get some, so bring it right here!" Oh, sure, a neighbor might offer a treat if you stopped by to sing Christmas carols, but to demand specific payment (who has figgy pudding in their fridge?) and refuse to leave unless your demands are met? "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is a musical ransom note.

Most simplistic song: Perhaps no song is played more often on holiday radio stations than "Feliz Navidad," Jose Feliciano's 1970 tune that makes everyone feel bilingual. Let's be honest: The song is just chorus, verse, chorus, verse. And the verse is just a repeat.

In fact, there are 20 distinct words in the lyrics. Total. Used over and over: Feliz, Navidad, prospero, ano, y, felicidad, I, want, to, wish, you, a, merry, Christmas, from, the, bottom, of, my, heart.

Twenty words, occasionally changing order. That's it. Just 20 words. Come on!

For comparison sake, "Boogie Shoes" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band has about 80 distinct words. "You are so Beautiful" by Joe Cocker – a nice song, but a similar pattern – has 31 distinct words.

Add another verse or something!

Non-Christmas songs: Any list of great "Christmas" songs includes a bunch of tunesthat never mention Christmas, Jesus, Santa Claus or the holidays.

For instance, "Baby It's Cold Outside" is a winter song, not a Christmas song. So is "Winter Wonderland," "Frosty the Snowman," "Sleigh Ride" and "Let it Snow." So is. . . are you ready?

"Jingle Bells!"

"Jingle Bells" makes zero references to Christmas. It's about racing through the woods in a sleigh pulled by a single horse. Period.

Apparently, we sing these songs at Christmas because it's winter, which isn't universally true. Christmas is celebrated Dec. 25 around the world, which means in the Southern Hemisphere, Christmas comes in early summer.

So in the Southern Hemisphere, do they consider summer songs to be "Christmas songs?"

Is "Hot Fun in the Summertime" by Sly and the Family Stone a Christmas song in New Zealand?

Is "Summertime" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the French Prince  a holiday song in Argentina?

Is "School's Out for Summer" by Alice Cooper a Christmas classic in South Africa?

I could go on – and will, unless you bring me some figgy pudding. Bring it right here.

I won't go until I get some!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Third-pound burger shows Americans' hunger for bad math

 

Two things are largely true about Americans:

• We like hamburgers.
• We're not great at math.

So is it any wonder that the 1/3-pound burger from A&W failed in the 1980s and was relaunched as the 3/9-pound burger this year?

America's response: Finally, a burger bigger than the McDonald's Quarter Pounder!

The short version of what has become a legendary American marketing story: In the 1980s, A&W decided to launch an attack on McDonald's by offering a bigger burger. Instead of a Quarter Pounder, folks could go to A&W and get a 1/3-Pounder, which everyone knows is more than 8% bigger than a Quarter Pounder. Because one-third is more than one-fourth.

Except everyone doesn't know that. Everyone doesn't know that one-third is bigger than one-fourth.

We know that because the burger failed and A&W's marketing tests revealed that more than half of test subjects thought A&W was trying to rip them off by charging the same amount for a one-third-pound burger as McDonald's does for a Quarter Pounder. Because four is more than three, right?

The outrage!

Well, decades later, A&W is trying to correct that misconception (and mock the math abilities of many customers) by offering the 3/9-pound burger, which as we (allegedly) learned in school can be reduced to 1/3-pound. A&W is betting that people will see a 3/9-pound burger and realized it's bigger than a Quarter Pounder. Because it is.

Also because 3 is bigger than 1 and 9 is bigger than 4. So 3/9 is obviously  bigger than 1/4.

There's a sneaking suspicion that A&W could have achieved the same goal with a 2/9-pound burger, which would be 3% smaller than a Quarter Pounder, but that's a debate for another day.

The question is whether we apply that across all products. For instance:

If someone opened a convenience store called 8-Twelve, would people think it's bigger than 7-11 (for the same reason as the A&W issue)? Because it should be, right?

Would the addition of Levi's 600 jeans seem like a step up from their famed 501 brand? Or does the presence of the "1" at the end of 501 make it seem like it's bigger than 600? We're not good at math, so I'm not sure.

Here's one thing I'm pretty sure about: American football fans would be fully confused if they were asked to explain the fractions that make up the words in quarterback, halfback and fullback.

They'd be right, because strangely, the larger the number gets (if you presume "full" means "1"), the less glory the position gets. It's almost to the point that some creative team – the Kansas City Chiefs? The Green Bay Packers? – will announce that their quarterback is now a one-eighthback, making him more valuable. It could be an advantage in attracting talent.

All this focus on numbers is confusing. It's as if Starbucks' insistence on strange names for their drinks (how is "tall" the smallest size?) didn't change Americans' perception, it reflected it.

I'll get back in the kitchen. I'm working on a new product for Burger King.

The 4/16-pounder will bury the Quarter Pounder, because it's four times as big, right?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.