Back scratchers, graduation kudos, A's fans and more

Of all the devices created by humanity over time – clothing, eyeglasses, cars, smartphones, shoehorns, tennis rackets – it's difficult to find something that more perfectly fulfills its mission and is more accurately named that the humble back scratcher.

Oh, sure, you've got the toilet plunger and the lawnmower. You've got the toaster and the bike rack. But the back scratcher?

This is an item that is designed for one specific purpose: To allow we pathetic, short-armed humans the chance to scratch those hard-to-reach places on our backs and simply scratch them.

When we don't have a back scratcher in our possession, we're reduced to one of two potential approaches, both of which are sad. One is to ignore the itching and hope it goes away (which just makes it worse). The other is to rub up against a wall corner like a cat or bear or dog and look strange.

Alas, the $5 (or less) back scratcher does the job perfectly and remains viable for years, maybe decades. If you buy a back scratcher, it will probably last you 20 years or more.

Is there a better tool? Is there a tool that has a better name? I say no.

On to the topics du jour . . .

• • •

It's been a few weeks since many high school and college graduations, but let me add my two cents: This year's graduating class likely endured a tougher road than any class since the Class of 1945.

If you graduated in 2023, you were a freshman when the COVID-19 pandemic hit hardest. The end of your freshman year and most of your sophomore year were dominated by the pandemic, costing you the opportunity to build the crucial relationships and skills that are so helpful to navigate those four years. A sense of normalcy came back for your junior and senior years, but the absence of that formational period undoubtedly affected your experience.

The Class of 1945 similarly had World War II start during their freshman year — and continue throughout high school or college. Kudos to those who made it through. You had a rough time, but you'll always have great stories.

• • •

I have incredible respect — and pity — for fans of the Oakland Athletics.

The A's are having a historically bad season (on pace for one of the worst records in modern baseball history), they have an owner who appears to be deliberately trying to lose, they play in the worst ballpark in baseball and the team has announced a plan to move to Las Vegas.

Yet A's fans continue to show up. Sometimes it's 5,000 fans or fewer. Sometimes (like on the recent "reverse boycott game, when fans showed up to prove a point) it's more.  Regardless, how loyal do you have to be to go watch a franchise that doesn't try to win and plans to leave? For my money, while there aren't nearly as many A's fans as Giants or Warriors or 49ers or even Sharks fans in the Bay Area, those A's fans are the most loyal.

They deserve better. They won't get it with the current ownership, who will prove that they can be terrible in Las Vegas, too.

• • •

One request for people who create television commercials: Can you quit putting the QR code on the screen?

Am I supposed to always have my phone ready, then sprint to the screen and capture that code so I can then go to your website and get confused?

The use of QR codes for restaurant menus has largely failed. Do they seriously think it will work on a TV commercial?

It won't. Unless, of course, it's to get a free back scratcher. Then I'm all in.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Father's Day questions answered by dear old Dad

It's Father's Day, the also-ran of holidays that is also the day of a decades-old tradition in this space.

It's time for a dad to step into the shoes of Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Miss Manners and Dear Prudence.

Following are fake letters from artificial residents of real towns, seeking advice from a dad.

Dear Dad: I love my daughter and I love my son-in-law, but every time I go to their house to visit, it makes me crazy. The house is an absolute mess! My daughter was always messy, but now she has a child and the house looks like it was hit by a hurricane! I've offered to help her clean, but she says that's not needed. I'm concerned for my 2-year-old grandson. How can I convince my daughter that her house shouldn't be a total pigsty? – Concerned in Fairfield

Dear Concerned: The old saying is, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." Speaking of that, do you remember the business that used to be next to Food Maxx? On the side by Beck Avenue? It seems like it was a soccer store or something. I always planned to check it out because I like sports jerseys. Or was it a video game store? Maybe I'll check it out the next time I'm over there, in case it's still in business. I hope I answered your question.

Dear Dad: I'm a 35-year-old single man and I'm interested in settling down, but I don't use dating apps and I don't like going to bars. However, there's a woman in my office who I speak with regularly and I'm pretty sure there's mutual attraction. How do I approach her in a modern workplace? We have constant training on sexual harassment and I don't want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. Is there a way I could approach her to see if she's interested in going on a date without making it awkward for both of us if she says no? – Respectful in Vacaville

Dear Respectful: Dating is tough. But you know what else is tough? Working on modern cars. Back in the day, if your engine needed some work, you could just go out to a junkyard, find the parts and do the work yourself. Now, cars are more like computers and you need special equipment to even understand the problem. Give me a good old 1970s American-made sedan anytime. I hope I answered your question.

Dear Dad: I'm a 16-year-old incoming junior in high school and my parents are overbearing. They always want to know where I'm going and when I'll be home. I have a 10 p.m. curfew on weeknights and 11:30 p.m. on Fridays. It's crazy! My friends' parents are all less strict. I'm an A student and don't use drugs or alcohol. How can I get my parents to realize that they're suffocating me and get them to loosen up? – Frustrated in Suisun City

Dear Frustrated: You're 16? When I was 16, my best friend Rudy had a 1976 Chevy Nova (which we could work on when we wanted) that we used to take when we cruised up and down Texas Street. One time, a group of us went to the old drive-in and Martin Nightengale (who was a year younger than us, but was always willing to do crazy things) hid in the trunk to sneak in and save $4. When we got inside, Rudy convinced the rest of us to leave Martin in the trunk. After about 15 minutes of him yelling, we let him out. It was hilarious. I hope I answered your question.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

 

 

Science answers life's mystery: Can you split Oreo cream evenly between the wafers?

What you've always thought is true: It's virtually impossible to twist apart an Oreo cookie and have evenly distributed cream.

How do I know? Science! The kind of science we need, done by the smartest people in the country: researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Sportswriters used to call boxing "the sweet science," for reasons unknown to anyone. (Irony? Did they not know what "sweet" and "science" meant?) But this? This is sweet science.

While other researchers were trying to create vaccines for deadly viruses or gain a deeper understanding of DNA or discover how life began, some folks at MIT were doing populist science: Creating what they called an "Oreometer" that used rubber bands and weighted coins to create enough force to twist apart cookies. Specifically, of course, Oreo cookies.

Rubber bands! Weighted coins! Science!

As a member of the pancreas-challenged community (I'm a Type 1 diabetic), Oreos are an element of my past, not my present or future. But being human for decades has taught me that Oreos are the greatest store-bought cookie (edging out either those Mother's circus animals or Chips Ahoy, depending on your preference) and what makes them special is the thing that the scientists tried to measure: The cream filling, which is almost universally consumed after the two cookies are split apart.

If we ate hamburgers like Oreos, we'd pull apart the buns and then lick the hamburger until it dissolved. Which would be gross, but remains a good definition. It's rumored that only sociopaths eat an Oreo without splitting it first (and only sociopaths eat hamburgers that way).

Anyway, the folks at MIT used the Oreometer to pull apart cookie after cookie. After, of course, writing a bunch of scientific gobbledygook to describe the plan and reason:

"Scientifically, sandwich cookies present a paradigmatic model of parallel plate rheometry in which a fluid sample, the crème, is held between two parallel plates, the wafers. When the wafers are counter-rotated, the crème deforms, flows, and ultimately fractures, leading to the separation of the cookie into two pieces."

Translation: You twist the cookie to get to the filling.

Their study found that regardless of how the cookies were twisted, the creamy filling tended to stay primarily on one wafer. And in those rare occurrences when the cream was split 50-50, it tended to chunk up on each wafer, not be spread around in an equitable manner: A glob on the bottom a glob on the top.

But since they are scientists, the MIT folks didn't settle with the idea that it's impossible to separate Oreos and get a 50-50 split on cream, which is where most of us would finish.

They hypothesized why: The researchers say that the manufacturing of Oreos involves machines dropping the cream on the bottom wafer, then adding the top wafer. That few moments of adherence to the first wafer is likely enough that it stays there for good.

In other words, the cream imprints on the first wafer. Like a baby bird.

So next time you split an Oreo to eat it (presuming you're not a sociopath), realize most of the cream stays with the wafer on which it imprinted.

Then scrape it off – but with your top teeth or bottom? I guess the folks at MIT have more studies to perform.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

 

We were born into a world of Susans; now it's a world of Mavericks

Kindergarten in 2027 will be dramatically different than it was for me.

Technology will be different. Students won't take naps on towels brought from home nor eating graham crackers. The academic standards will surely be higher than in Mrs. Sherman's class at South Bay Elementary School.

But the biggest difference? No Susans. No Karens. No Donnas or Todds or Carls.

The names that crowded my childhood classroom lists – and likely crowded yours – are no longer in use. There aren't any 5-year-olds named Cindy or Glenn.

The list of the most popular baby names in 2022, published by the Social Security Administration, provided plenty of fodder for those of us who like to make fun of modern names: Asher is the 19th-most popular boys name? Maverick is 40th? Luna is 10th and Mila 19th among girls?

We scoff because we know no one with those names. And it's true, because the names of our childhood – the Donalds and Rogers and Pamelas and Brendas – have disappeared. Almost literally, because the SSA also publishes the most popular names by decade.

In the 1960s – the decade in which Michael Jordan, Tom Cruise, Barak Obama, Jennifer Lopez and I were born–the top girls name was Lisa.

By 2022, Lisa had fallen to No. 933 on the list of the top 1,000 girls names. That was better than the aforementioned Susan, Karen and Donna – all top-10 names in the 1960s that didn't even make the top 1,000 in 2022. Other top 100 girls names of the 1960s that fell entirely out of the top 1,000 by 2022 are Pamela, Lori, Brenda, Diane, Carol, Cindy, Janet, Carolyn, Connie, Judy, Beverly and Darlene.

Boys names similarly dropped, but not to the dramatic extent (I only count Todd, Carl and Glenn in the top 100 of the 1960s that weren't in the top 1,000 in 2022). Still, these names were top-100 in the 1960s and ranked below No. 500 in 2022: Donald, Gary, Keith, Larry, Dennis, Roger, Wayne and Harold.

What does it mean, other than that times changes and various things influence naming patterns? Karen is now shorthand for a complaining baby boomer; Donald was the name of a not-so-beloved president; Roger sounds like a 60-year-old guy.

Here's the takeaway: Modern names are pretty cool (my granddaughters' names ranked eighth, 137th and 235th in 2022, so I like them) and reflect modern tastes. In six decades, we'll have a bunch of senior citizens named Maverick and Grayson and Kai and Aria, Nova (including my great-niece!) and Willow. Alas, I won't be here to marvel at that fact.

But here's a tip if you're expecting a child or will have a child in the next decade. If you want to be "different," don't name your child Liam or Olivia (the top names in 2022).

Go back to the old-school favorite that will come back over time. Consider naming your child Nancy (26th in the 1960s, 997th in 2022), Linda (seventh in the 1960s, 807th in 2022), Larry (35th in the 1960s, 889th in 2022) or even Bradley (72nd in the 1960s, 349th in 2022).

If you want a classic name for your child, try Wayne or Brenda. If you pick Luna or Asher, your child will be just another in a series of kids with that name.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.