Seventeen sure-fire predictions for '17

Anyone can write about the past year: The biggest news, the celebrity deaths, the natural disasters, the political stunners.

I  predict the future. That's right, on the first day of 2017, I will issue 17 predictions for 2017 that will – or should – come true.

Ready to hear what happens in the next 12 months?

Here we go:

• A famous celebrity who you haven't thought about for years will die and you will be slightly sad. Social media posts will make it seem like the worst death since the JFK assassination.

• In mid-September, a company will announce a new product with "pumpkin spice" flavor and people will erupt in joy. Others will realize that we lived most of our lives without "pumpkin spice" and won't be excited. The company will make a lot of money.

• The Golden State Warriors will win the NBA title. Please.

• You will wait in the parking lot at the grocery store while some guy backs into a parking spot, not only irritating you, but ignoring the fact that it's much easier to back out of a spot than to back into one.

• In May, it will be cool and rainy and someone will tell you they're tired of winter and ready for summer.

• In October, it will be hot and the same person will tell you they're tired of summer and ready for winter.

• Fake news will continue to prosper because while we oppose it, we love when it reinforces what we already believe.

• Movie fans will get excited about a film version of a 1980's or 1990's TV series that you don't really remember ("Northern Exposure?" "Nash Bridges?"). The movie will flop.

• If you go to the Solano County Fair, you'll think this is the year that the turkey leg or the deep-fried Twinkies will taste good. They'll just give you a stomachache. Again.

• In my annual December column about Solano County, I will remember that Harry Price was elected to the Fairfield City Council in 1997, but didn't become mayor until 2005. (This counts as a correction of last week's column).

• Someone will say, "Boy, things have really changed in Fairfield," and everyone will agree with them – although the biggest change may be that the speaker is just older.

• Friends will talk about a new series on Netflix or Amazon and you'll watch it. It will be pretty good, but you won't understand why people acted like it was life-changing.

• The price of gas will be lamented because it's so low that it's hurting our economy, or it's so high it's hurting our economy.

• The day before you have an important meeting or date, you'll awake to find a pimple on your nose, and say, "I thought this would end when I turned 20!"

• "Star Wars Episode VIII" will be released in December as "one of the best 'Star Wars' ever." I won't see it.

• A new smartphone-based game or app will take over the world for about a month. And then we'll forget about it. (Yes, I'm talking about you, Pokemon Go.)

• In the final week of 2017, people will lament what a terrible year it was and eagerly welcome 2018, with hopes that it will be better.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Time for the annual Solano County quiz

It's beginning to look a lot like . . . Solano County quiz time!

That's right, for the 16th consecutive year (I'm guessing, because it's too inconvenient to check), I will provide the public service of testing knowledge of Solano County, its cities and its people.

Now that Christmas morning is over, it's time to put on your thinking cap. Get a No. 2 pencil, a pad of paper (or a pen and write in the newspaper margins) and see how well you know Solano County with this 20-question quiz.

QUESTIONS

1. In what year was Harry Price first elected mayor of Fairfield?

2. Within 10 percent, what percentage of Solano County land is covered by water?

3. What was the original name of the city we now call Dixon?

4. What is the only privately owned daily newspaper in Solano County?

5. Which Solano County city gets the most rainfall?

6. Name the seven cities in Solano County.

7. Within 10,000, how many military retirees live within 50 miles of Travis Air Force Base?

8. Which is larger in population, Suisun City or Benicia?

9. Name the two members of the House of Representatives who represent Solano County.

10. Of the 52 columns a year I write, which one will Mrs. Brad not even pretend to read?

11. Within 10 miles, how many miles of interstate freeway are in Solano County?

12. What was the top crop in Solano County in 2015 in terms of money?

13. Of which chain does Fairfield have more outlets, Starbucks or Taco Bell?

14. Who is a better newspaper columnist, Tony Wade or me?

15. What is the largest school district in Solano County?

16. Within 1,000, what is the combined population of Vacaville's California Medical Facility and California State Prison Solano?

17. Within $50,000, what was the median price for a home sold in Solano County in October, according to DataQuick?

18. Name the county's largest private (non-governmental) employer.

19. If you left the Fairfield Train Station on a Capitol Corridor passenger car headed south at 200 mph, how long would it take you to get to Stockton?

20. Which of the 12 days of Christmas is today?

ANSWERS

1. November 1997. Price's current term expires in 2018.

2. 9.2 percent (54,153 acres)

3. Silveyville.

4. You're reading it.

5. Technically, Fairfield, Suisun City and Rio Vista get the same, since Travis Air Force Base operates as the National Weather Service location for all three. It's a three-way tie for first.

6. Benicia, Dixon, Fairfield, Rio Vista, Suisun City, Vacaville, Vallejo.

7. An estimated 45,339.

8. Suisun City had 1,114 more people (28,111 to 26,997), according to 2015 Census estimates.

9. John Garamendi represents most of the county. Mike Thompson represents some northern part of the county.

10. This one, so don't tell her that her name is mentioned.

11. 74 miles (7.5 miles of I-780, 13 miles of I-680, 10.5 miles of I-505 and 43 miles of I-80).

12. Tomatoes, with just more than $42 million in crop value. Walnuts were second with $37.9 million.

13. Starbucks. There are eight Starbucks sites, four Taco Bell sites. (Note: Nine Subways!)

14. If you answered Tony Wade, subtract five from your "correct answer" total.

15. Fairfield-Suisun, and it's not even close. There are more than 21,000 students in Fairfield-Suisun and about 15,000 in Vallejo.

16. Roughly 6,700, as of last week's official count.

17. $534,000.

18. Kaiser Permanente, with nearly 6,500 employees.

19. TRICK QUESTION! The Fairfield train station isn't open yet, the Capitol Corridor runs east-to-west and the trains can't go 200 mph. Hah hah hah.

20. Today is the first, which is why we're eating that partridge right after we get it out of the . . . well, you know which tree.

SCORING

15-20 right: Expert.

10-14 right: Novice.

5-9 right: It could be worse. You could be Tony Wade.

0-4 right: I enjoy your "Last Laugh" column, which appears here Mondays.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

The year's biggest story? You know the answer

It's as much a part of the holiday season as eggnog, Big Crosby music, the Sun Miser-Snow Miser throwdown and the Suisun City boat parade: My annual story-of-the-year tournament.

We've done it several times and the concept is simple: The biggest stories of the year compete head-to-head, like college basketball teams in March Madness. And by "biggest stories," I mean the things that impacted me the most, which might not line up with what the mainstream media tells you is most important.

Previous winners are Giants win World Series (2010), n/a (2011), Giants win World Series (2012), Mrs. Brad and I see start of Pepperbelly's Fire (2013), Madison Bumgarner's epic World Series (2014), Warriors win title (2015). So there's a certain sports angle to them, although (spoiler alert!) that could change this year.

On to the tournament:

QUARTERFINALS
Year of Trump vs. Pokemon Go!

At the start of 2016, Pokemon seemed as good a bet to win the presidency as Trump – and for several months during the summer, the mobile-phone-based, character-hunting game was even more popular. But against all odds, Trump overcame Pokemon Go's 500 million downloads and Hillary Clinton's double-digit lead to become the first former United States Football League owner to capture the White House. Trump advances to the semifinals.

Brandy tears her ACL vs. Zika virus outbreak

Brandy Stanhope is my soon-to-be 9-year-old dog, who occasionally substitutes for me in this space. She also is rocket-fast and went on daily runs . . . until she tore the dog equivalent of the ACL in her back right leg this summer. Surgery is impossibly expensive, so Brandy now runs less, although she's making progress. Meanwhile, the Zika virus hung over everything within 1,000 miles of the equator (and maybe more) this year, including the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. Still, Zika hasn't come to Suisun City, while Brandy's injury haunted my summer and fall. Brandy gingerly walks to the win.

Celebrity death avalanche vs. Blowing 3-1 leads

The Golden State Warriors miraculously overcame a 3-1 deficit against Oklahoma City to advance to the NBA Finals, where they became the first team to blow a 3-1 series lead. Months later, the Cleveland Indians couldn't close out their 3-1 lead in the World Series and the Cubs won. What could be worse? How about the deaths of David Bowie, Garry Shandling, Nancy Reagan, Morley Safer, Patty Duke, Garry Marshall and Gene Wilder? Celebrity death advances.

Battle of Nesjar vs. Brexit

In the Battle of Nesjar off the coast of Norway, Olaf Harraldsson defeated former co-regent Sweyn Haakonsson to confirm his status as King of Norway, but that is topped by Britain's shocking exit from the European Union in what turned out to be the second-most surprising election result of the year. Also notable: Brexit describes my departure. (Editor's note: The Battle of Nesjar happened in 1016, not 2016. We regret the error.)

SEMIFINALS
Year of Trump vs. Brandy tears her ACL

Even on election day, all the polls predicted a Clinton presidency – then Trump and the Republicans ran the table. Brandy, meanwhile, became the canine version of Gayle Sayers: Still great, but a shadow of her former self. But she can't top the first former reality show host to capture the White House. Trump wins again.

Celebrity death avalanche vs. Brexit

The referendum forcing the United Kingdom to withdraw from the European Union was a stunner. But you know what was more stunning? How about the deaths of Arnold Palmer, Fidel Castro, Glen Frey, Antonin Scalia and Muhammad Ali? Celebrity death advances.

FINALS
The Year of Trump vs. Celebrity deaths

Can you top the deaths of Merle Haggard, Prince, Gordie Howe, Pat Summit and John Glenn? Yes. With the most earth-shaking presidential election ever. And it marked the first time a member of the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame captured the White House. For everyone, 2016 goes down as the Year of Trump.

With that, it's time for me to Brexit.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Conventional wisdom isn't always so wise

Conventional wisdom isn't always wise. Consider the fate of Jack Johnson, the British 19-year-old who has paid more than $25,000 on surgeries to look like soccer star David Beckham – and intends to spend another $30,000 to finish the job.

It's not working. Johnson looks more like Boy George. While he's paying $50,000, Beckham is getting older, which likely means that to look like Beckham when the money's spent, he'll have to pay for aging surgery.

Johnson disproves the old saying, "You get what you pay for." In addition to being bad grammar (dangling preposition!), that cliché is wrong. But not unique.

Because, as we know, misery loves company. Except in the case of James Caan, who took the lead role in the movie "Misery" after Kevin Kline, Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford, Dustin Hoffman, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Richard Dreyfuss, Gene Hackman and Robert Redford all turned it down. "Misery," apparently, doesn't love company. It settles on James Caan.

Get the point? Our accepted sayings are often wrong. So as a public service, here are a few more to avoid:

"Actions speak louder than words" seems reasonable until you try to communicate with a crowd of 1,000 people by miming. Pretending to "pull a rope" or being "trapped in a glass booth" aren't as well-received as words spoken loudly over a public address system. Words usually speak louder than actions.

Nearly all of us have been told "you can't judge a book by its cover" at some point in our lives, which is baloney. A 2010 survey of readers found that 79 percent said the cover plays a decisive role in deciding whether to make a purchase. We always judge books by covers.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" usually means that a child is like his or her parent. But what if the tree is at der Wiese in Frauenroth, Germany? That tree is 40 feet high – the tallest living apple tree. So an apple that falls from it by definition falls far from the tree. And an apple tree on a sharp incline – say Suisun Hill at Rush Ranch or Mount Vaca – is quite likely to roll for a while. I'm OK if we just add the word "generally" between "doesn't" and "fall."

People have been saying for years – and Kelly Clarkson had a No. 1 hit doing so – that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." No one believes that. Ask a shooting victim. Ask the person who gets a virulent virus. Ask anyone who reaches 90. What doesn't kill you usually makes you weaker and likely to bore others with the details of your near-death experience.

"There's no time like the present." Really? I would suggest that a minute ago was very much like the present. And a minute from now similarly will be very much like the present. There are plenty of times like the present. My favorite is the morning of Dec. 11, 1997. It was a lot like the present, just with less gray hair.

No saying is more false than "it's always darkest before the dawn," which is not even close to being true. Scientists say it's always darkest close to midnight on a moonless night. That is so far from dawn that it's laughable! The saying should be it's always coldest before the dawn, which is largely true if not particularly motivational.

Get the point? Clichés are comfortable, but many are not true. The lesson?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but if I mime to a huge crowd, I probably deserve them.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

My emails were hacked by WikiLeaks

SUISUN CITY – Local resident Brad Stanhope denied accusations Saturday of involvement with drugs, foreign governments, internet espionage and sports fraud after a notorious hacking group released a trove of his private emails.

Stanhope is the latest entity whose private documents were made public by WikiLeaks, the organization that previously published secret documents and emails from the U.S. Department of Defense, Turkey's ruling party, Hillary Clinton and several overseas government and business entities.

Stanhope is the first entity generally unknown to the public.

Since leaked emails are by nature a point of fascination, several media groups immediately began poring over the documents, looking for suspicious activities or connections – and Stanhope immediately fell under suspicion for his obsession with a local drug purveyor.

"I'll get our drugs on the way home," he wrote to someone known only as "Mrs. Brad" on July 8. "How many prescriptions do you have?" When she replied "two," (which legal experts suspect is a code word), he replied "OK. Got it," apparently agreeing to a deal.

Reporters who viewed the emails also noted an obsession with passwords, suggesting Stanhope may have a number of secret accounts. In the six months covered by the email release, Stanhope received customer support help from Sutter Health, Sprint, State Farm, Comcast and AT&T, each time claiming that he "forgot password." Several times, Stanhope followed with another similar email just a few weeks later.

"It's almost like he was trying to crack their security code," said one email expert, who wouldn't reveal his name, but insisted that it contained at least eight characters and at least one capital letter, one numeral and one symbol. "Either that, or he just kept forgetting his passwords. So he's devious or stupid."

Stanhope, who has a history in the local sports community, also routinely made absurd trade offers to other teams in his Yahoo fantasy football league, something that raised the eyebrows of sports observers.

"He offers three people I've never heard of for Tom Brady, Dez Bryant and Ezekiel Elliott," one expert said. "I find that highly suspicious. Either he doesn't understand football or he's hoping another team will accidentally accept his trade request. Neither of those options are particularly honorable."

There was no immediate reaction from the commissioner of Stanhope's fantasy football league, who reportedly works in a cubicle adjacent to Stanhope.

Perhaps most concerning is that Stanhope appears to have a longtime relationship with a significant foreign leader. He received several emails from a Nigerian prince, asking for money – which observers say suggests Stanhope has been a supporter of a foreign government that is hostile to American interests.

"This prince obviously knows (Stanhope)," said a law enforcement source. "The level of familiarity and the boldness of the prince's request for money makes that clear. . . . That Stanhope didn't reply from this account likely means that he used another method to communicate with the prince."

Investigators continue to sift through the emails, with reports that Stanhope also receives a significant number of emails for "male enhancement" and for money-making opportunities.

"You can learn a lot about people through their email," said one source. "This guy seems to be obsessed with picking up drugs, helping foreign governments, recovering passwords and swindling other fantasy football team owners. He's a bad egg."

Stanhope denied the accusations and said he would respond in the comments for this article, once he recovers his password to do so.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

A column of final Thanksgiving leftovers

It's a month until Christmas, which means that it's only 10 months until advertising starts for Christmas 2017!

Emptying my notebook, here's a plate full of post-Thanksgiving leftovers, one bite at a time:

• There's nothing more frustrating than trying to get true customer service from a major mobile phone company. They're great at signing you up for service, terrible if you have a question or problem.

• Yes, I may have recently switched providers and tried to get an explanation on my final bill from my former provider.

• Power rankings: The top five remotes at my house, in order of importance.

5. Fireplace. We have a fake fireplace and it has a ridiculous remote control. Who needs that? I haven't even attempted it.

4. DVD. Different from my TV remote, although sometimes used in an unsuccessful attempt to control the TV.

3. Ceiling fan. Yes, we have one. And yes, our remote control changes the speed, beautifully.

2. TV. Could be the top seed, but I could survive without it. Like I could (theoretically) survive without coffee.

1. Garage door. Remember when we didn't have these remotes? We used to have to get out of the car and open the garage, then get in, drive in, then close the door behind us. The caveman days.

• So here are my thoughts on the recent presidential election: Aw, never mind. You don't care. And I don't blame you.

• One confession: Jack Kemp remains my all-time favorite politician. His politics were on both sides of the contemporary left-right split and he was liked by his opponents. Plus, Kemp was a really good quarterback in the American Football league and his son Jeff was Joe Montana's backup on the 49ers. So there's that.

• Speaking of sports, it's remarkable that the Bay Area has one of the best-run franchises in major league baseball (the Giants) and the NBA (the Warriors), while having the worst-run franchise in the NFL (the 49ers).

Bad news for 49ers fans: The best predictor of success is the front office.

Worse news for 49ers fans: There is virtually no chance of an ownership change in the next three decades.

• Remember when we watched network TV? Now, probably 95 percent of the non-sports shows Mrs. Brad and I watch are either on Netflix or Amazon.

• Current hot picks: "Good Girls Revolt" and "Goliath" on Amazon, of course "Stranger Things" and "Bloodline" on Netflix.

• When I occasionally read comments on articles on websites (including the Daily Republic), I wonder if people are actually that mean in person or if they channel all their anger online. And I'm not sure which would be a better outcome: Hypocrisy or constant anger?

• Was that last note an effort to discourage people from bashing this column? Maybe.

• And finally, congratulations to Dungeons & Dragons, Fisher Price's Little People and the swing for earning spots this year in the Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y. In this case, the swing vote was literally the swing vote.

Still on the outside, shockingly: The Nerf ball. Maybe next year.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Despite my efforts, I'm blinded by science

Details of science are a mystery to me. I'm closer to Wayne Newton than Issac Newton. Heck, I'm closer to Cam Newton than Issac Newton.

That was obvious on two recent treks. In both cases, I was interested in the subject and tried to pay attention. But the details sounded suspiciously like adults in the "Peanuts" cartoons.

Wah-wah, wah-wah-wah, wah wah.

Baffling.

The first journey was a camping trip with church friends, including my smart, scientific friend Myron. One night, Myron stared at the stars and tried to educate me.

Myron was interesting. He not only explained what the stars were called, he pointed out planets. He explained solar systems and groups of stars and how ancient sailors used them to navigate.

It was interesting. It made sense. I asked questions and Myron answered them clearly and understandably.

Because not long afterward, I forgot it all.

Wah-wah, wah-wah-wah, wah wah.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks and Mrs. Brad and I were in Hawaii, on an organized hike through the rain forest, led by a guy who liked plants. Really liked plants. Everyone else did, too.

"What is this called?" he would ask, pointing to a plant.

"A rose? A tree?" I would think. Then I'd run out of plant names. Someone would answer ("ginger") and I'd think of the character on "Gilligan's Island."

The guide told stories about the plants. He explained what was poisonous and what was healthy and why. It was interesting.

Here's what I remembered: Wah-wah, wah-wah-wah, wah wah.

Mrs. Brad, smarter than me, was engaged. I tried to be – then he'd ask for the identity of another plant.

A rose? A tree?

Scientific things – like the names of plants, planets, stars and animals – don't stick in my brain. Other stuff does: When Mrs. Brad told me she had an appointment Dec. 6, I immediately said "that's a Tuesday," then impersonated President Franklin D. Roosevelt's famous Pearl Harbor Day speech about Dec. 7.

If she asked me to identify anything in the sky other than "sun" or "moon," I would be lost.

If she asked me to identify either of the trees in our backyard – both of which I planted – I would say a rose? A tree?

I regret my inability to retain information of a scientific nature. I wish I could look at the sky and tell you where the north star is. I lament that I can't remember the appearance of poison oak or poison ivy. I wish I knew what makes something a reptile.

Maybe it's because my brain doesn't connect the "why" part of science, so the logic of naming stars, plants or animals doesn't make sense.

Maybe I don't care enough – perhaps if you promised me $1 million, I would be able to identify hundreds of plants.

Maybe my brain is overflowing with sports stats, song lyrics and the names of characters from situation comedies I watched as a kid.

All I know is that when I go into nature, even with people as interesting as my friend Myron or the rain forest guide, I can't recall what things are called and I can't identify the names of plants.

A rose? A tree?

Here's what I know: Pete Rose had 4,256 career hits and Tree Rollins bit Danny Ainge's finger during a fight during the 1983 NBA playoffs.

But everything scientific?

Wah-wah, wah-wah-wah, wah wah.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Science reveals maximum of 'really old'

Go ahead and throw away that invitation to my 116th birthday party, because it looks increasingly unlikely.

Not because of any recent medical news. For me, at least.

It's because of recent medical news for all humanity: Three scientists from Albert Einstein College of Medicine published a report that claims that 115 years is likely the outer limits of aging for humans. That's the finish line.

“From now on, this is it. Humans will never get older than 115,” said the lead scientist, Dr. Jan Vijg, ignoring the fact that previous generations of scientists vowed that humans would never fly, never run a mile faster than four minutes and never be able to track Japanese cartoon characters with mobile phones.

Vijg was serious in his opinion, although he refused to answer a question about why he has a last name with the letters j and g appearing consecutively.

Vijg and graduate students Xiao Dong and Brandon Milholland (known as "The Big Three" at Albert Einstein College of Medicine) published their report in the journal Nature, which I receive a day after my copy of the Saturday Evening Post arrives.

For many of us, the first impulse is to disagree. After all, Jeanne Calment died in France in 1997 at age 122, the world record for oldest person. Her item appeared in the Guinness Book of World Records, just a few pages after that photo of the fattest twins riding their tiny motorcycles and a few pages before that creepy guy with the really long fingernails.

Anyhow, the study by Dr. Vijg and his partners break with some recent theories – but their conclusion is based (as expected) on solid science. And any argument with other scientists ends when Vijg says "At what college do you work? It better be good, because I work at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. Albert Einstein!"

The Vijg study showed that while the average life span has increased over time, the extreme end – the oldest person in a given decade, for instance – has remained steady.

About 115 years.

Of course, there are the exceptions such as the 122-year-old Calment, who died in France while laughing at the genius of Jerry Lewis. Sacre bleu!

As expected, the Vijg study was a hot topic in the wacky medical community.

“This paper is a good dose of medicine, if you’ll pardon the expression, for those who would say there is no limit to human life span,” said Dr. Leonard P. Guarente, a professor of biology at MIT.

Guarente then stopped talking because he was laughing so hard at his reference to “dose of medicine.” He doubled over for a good five minutes and when he recovered, he attempted to describe the study by saying “The Vijg is up,” but started laughing again and had to leave the room.

Scientists. They're hilarious!

Back to the study, which is not all bad news. Vijg stressed that our quality of life can be improved and that good health is beneficial.

But still, he insists, our DNA limits our life span.

“There’s a good chance to improve health span – that’s the most important thing,” he said. “(But) at some point everything goes wrong and you collapse.”

So there's that, I guess.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

5 election items on which we can agree

We're near the finish line of the longest presidential race since Chester Arthur and Rutherford B. Hayes ran 850 miles from Dodge City, Kansas, to Tombstone, Arizona, as part of the 1876 Centennial celebration.

This year's election is between the owner of the United States Football League's New Jersey Generals and the first lady of Arkansas (based on 1985, the last time I paid attention), but once we finish, it's time to turn our attention to real problems.

That's a great thing about democracy. We can vote on such things as whether we should pay taxes on soda, who should win "American Idol" and who should start in the NBA All-Star Game. Additionally, the number of rights we have has been expanded by such freedom fighters as the Beastie Boys (the right to party, 1986) and KFC (the right to chicken done right, 1988), who showed that we can always improve our lives.

With that in mind, and with the election season ending, I hereby present five proposals on which we should vote next election season – all of which would make our lives better.

Merge directional states: Do we really need two Dakotas? Seriously? What about the Virginias? And the Carolinas? Under this proposal, multidirectional states would be required to merge into single entities, temporarily dropping to 47 the number of the United States. (I suggest adding Puerto Rico as a state, which would allow us to break out all the 48-star flags we put away in 1959.) And if you feel bad for the Dakotas, consider this: Even with this new plan, the state of Dakota (population 1.6 million) would have as many United States senators as California (population 38.8 million). That's still unfair, but I'll wait to introduce my plan to merge Dakota with Montana and Wyoming (creating Wykotana, population 3.1 million).

Speed up baseball: I love the sport, but do we really need more relief pitchers and pitching changes? The World Series was great, but slow. Change the rules to require relief pitchers to face at least three batters. Limit catcher visits to the mound to twice per inning. And install a trap door on the mound (with alligators underneath) that opens when a pitcher works too slowly. Bring back some speed! (And create jobs for alligator trainers.)

Coffee ordering simplicity: Allow only three sizes: Large, medium and small. Limit choices to just a few options: Lattes, mochas, regular coffee. Add a requirement that a cup of coffee can't cost more than a gallon of gas. And impose a limit on the number of fluffy pastries near the checkout counter.

Cable TV unbundling: Everyone agrees: We should be able to pick what channels we want on our cable TV (or satellite dish). Give us an a la carte menu of TV channels, with specific prices. If I only want the Lifetime Movie Network, FX, The Food Network and ESPN Classic, I should be able to create my own package. Actually, you can keep the bundles if you also offer the a la carte menu.

Whatnot prevention: Make use of the word "whatnot" punishable by not less than five years in a federal penitentiary, since it's a lazy word that makes you sound like a rube . . . and whatnot.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

The FAQs and nothing but the FAQs

I'm a 21st century communicator with a significant social media presence (I don't mean to brag, but I follow Pope Francis, Larry King and Tony Orlando on Twitter) and a fairly important public image (again, not bragging, but Solano County issued me an official library card).

As such, and as someone who has written literally thousands of columns (many with references to Jerry Lewis), it seems like this might be a good time to use the column not only to educate, but to inform, by answering questions.

In the tradition of great websites, I dedicate today to answering frequently asked questions.

Yes!

In the words of 20th century prophet Jack Webb (Google him. He's marvelous), it's time for just the FAQs, ma'am (which is funnier if you pronounce it like a word, of course).

Here are answers to frequently asked questions:

Where do you get column ideas?

Everywhere. I read the newspaper every day. I look at Facebook. I have discussions with co-workers where I get (steal) ideas for columns (such as this one). I sneak a peek at Tony Wade's Monday column if he files it early. The world is a machine that manufactures column ideas. Don't believe me? This idea came from my co-worker, Jeff. Blame him.

Is that an olive on your tooth?

Oh. Maybe.

Do people recognize you in public?

I'd like to be more humble, but the frank answer is yes. In fact, nearly every time I write a check at the grocery store, the checker looks at it and says, "Thank you, Mr. Stanhope." It's nice to have fans.

Are you and Tony Wade really enemies?

Tony, to the uninitiated, is the second-most popular humor columnist at the Daily Republic and frequently takes cheap shots at me, although the writing is so bad that it's often hard to tell. While we are longtime rivals, to call us enemies is not accurate – and would break our agreement in the case Stanhope vs. Wade, in which the Supreme Court ruled that my stance that Dick Sargant was the superior Darren on "Bewitched," was correct.

Who is the man that would risk his life for his brother man?

Shaft. Although it should be "who," not "that."

Are you always such a stickler for grammar details?

Yes. But it is "grammatical" details.

Is your head the same size as that picture in the newspaper?

No. My head is probably one-third the size of that picture.

Do you really wear those old glasses in that photo?

No. I am blind now and wear the cool Stevie Wonder glasses. Hah hah hah. Just kidding. Isn't that funny? Nothing beats making a joke about someone's disability!

Is the above question really "frequently asked"?

That's a FAQ, Jack!

Have you written any columns you regret?

Well, I shouldn't have joked about that Malaysian Airliner that disappeared a few years ago. Although it did seem funny at the time. Kind of like that Stevie Wonder joke in the earlier question.

How can you possibly still use a Hotmail address for your email?

Because bradstanhope@compuserve.com doesn't work.

Has an editor ever cut one of your columns because of something you wrote?

If one did, it would only be because most newspaper editors are total id . . . .

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.