Another inspiring, undelivered graduation speech

The text of Brad Stanhope's once-again undelivered graduation speech to whatever Solano County school would invite him:

Thank you for that long standing ovation and congratulations to the Class of 2018 at (insert school here)!

Graduation is both the end of a long journey and the beginning of a longer journey. But let's treasure the moment. Let's enjoy the present.

It's called "the present" because it's a gift. And because the phrase "the present" means now. Both of those are true, but the second is more true.

Anyhoo, congratulations on finishing high school. Remember, if this is the extent of your education, you have done something that 84 percent of Americans couldn't do. At least those were the statistics in 1890, which was 128 years ago. It's probably different now.

For those of you who are advancing to college – whether it's community college, a four-year school or the electoral college – you are about to advance to a memorable part of your life consisting of toga parties, beer pong and wild escapades, if the movies I've seen are any indication. My memory of college is of working and doing homework, but apparently I was an exception.

Here's some advice from someone well down the road from you: Enjoy college. Learn. Make friends. Avoid making life-changing mistakes. Collect stories. Try to graduate. Realize college is spring training for the rest of your life.

Here's the part about being 18 that you might not appreciate now: You will look back on this period for the rest of your life. At least until you lose your memory.

Anyway, as today's commencement speaker, I have some tips to prepare you for adulthood.

First, work: Remember the guy who said, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life"?

That guy never had a real job.

Even if you land your dream job straight out of high school (aside from LeBron James and Taylor Swift, few of us do), there will be difficult days. There will be tasks you don't enjoy. There will be difficult co-workers. There will be dumb bosses.

Work anyway. Do a good job anyway. The best way to succeed is to do a good job, require little maintenance and outperform expectations. That's true in your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond.

Remember, your job at 20 or 30 is unlikely to be your job at 40 or 50. That's called a career: In the 21st century, our jobs change, but our character in them remains.

Most who find joy in work know that it's work. You don't go to play, you go to work (unless, of course, you're in theater. Then your work may be a play. But I digress.).

Now, about love: Sometime in the next decade or two, you will likely fall in love. Enjoy that. But don't assume it's easy.

Like with everything else great in life (good health, wealth, good career), relationships blossom for people disciplined enough to do the hard work. In a relationship, that means learning to communicate difficult things, finding common interests, always being teammates.

Remember that. The other person – if you marry them – is your teammate. So be a good teammate. Be their biggest fan. Work on the team. Stick together. It's worth it.

There are other tips: Exercise. Eat well. Make some crazy decisions. Take some risks. Have fun.

You're going into the world. Spring training is over. The regular season begins.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Memorial Day ranks atop list of best minor US holidays

We're in the middle of the first three-day weekend of the summer, although summer is still a few weeks away.

Monday is an elite day: Memorial Day weekend holds a special place in America, signaling the unofficial beginning of the summer – a time for barbecues, campouts, the Indy 500 and the real purpose of the day: Commemorating those who lost their lives in defense of our nation.

While many lament the loss of focus on that part of the holiday, there still are many who visit cemeteries – military and otherwise – to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice. So it's not totally forgotten.

Memorial Day is the best of the minor American holidays – those less flashy than Christmas, New Year's Day, Easter and Thanksgiving in our national consciousness.

Don't believe me? Check out my official rankings of the seven minor holidays (like the Seven Dwarfs and the Seven Deadly Sins. And the Magnificent Seven). These are the holidays which are holidays for some and exclude such days as Arbor Day and national cupcake day.

7. Columbus Day. The mid-October holiday lost cachet over the years as Christopher Columbus moved from "the bold pioneer who discovered America" to "the imperialist who brought smallpox and ravaged the natives." But . . . my birthday is on the traditional date of Columbus Day (or "Indigenous Peoples Day"), so I still have a soft spot for it.

6. Presidents Day. Formerly Washington's Birthday (the federal government still calls it that, although most states don't), this is commemorated on the third Monday of February. Washington's birthday is Feb. 22, while Abraham Lincoln's birthday – which used to be a holiday – is Feb. 12. Since it's Presidents Day, I am working my way through the list and am up to Chester Arthur (in 2019), then Grover Cleveland (both 2020 and 2022, since he was elected twice with Benjamin Harrison between his two terms). Presidents Day weekend is most notable for providing the best long snow weekend of the winter.

5. Veteran's Day. This originally commemorated the end of World War I (11-11 at 11:11 a.m., because those nutty Allied negotiators wanted to be clever) is more important in Fairfield than most other places, because of the annual parade and the city's proximity to Travis Air Force Base. The holiday gets extra credit because the purpose remains clear: To honor military veterans.

4. Labor Day. The flip side of Memorial Day, it's the unofficial end of summer. Labor Day is allegedly a celebration of the U.S. labor movement, but I've never lived in a town where that was celebrated. The holiday had more significance when it also preceded the first day of school.

3. Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Now entrenched as a holiday on the third Monday in January (King was born Jan. 15), this was the result of years of effort before it became a federal holiday in 1983. The holiday is new enough that there are still plenty of events to commemorate King's legacy and the Civil Rights movement.

2. Independence Day. No holiday has a more universal celebration – we all use some version of fireworks – and a clearer purpose: It's the date when the Declaration of Independence was announced. The downside is that it's celebrated on July 4, which means it's often not on a weekend (it's a Wednesday this year). That means a tough July 5 if you live somewhere (hello, Fairfield and Suisun City!) where people set off fireworks all night.

1. Memorial Day. As stated earlier, the unofficial start of summer, a day to honor those who lost their lives for our nation and a recognition of the end of the school year.

Enjoy celebrating the best of the minor holidays.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Time to induct first class in writers hall of fame

Breaking news: There's no such thing as a Writers Hall of Fame.

I'm flummoxed because there are halls of fame for nearly everything: Rock and roll, every sport, even many states.

There are even weird ones: A robot hall of fame in Pittsburgh, a burlesque hall of fame and a pinball hall of fame in Las Vegas (of course), a barber hall of fame in Ohio, a stickball hall of fame in New York, a mascot hall of fame in Indiana.

And I write every year about the toy hall of fame in Rochester, New York.

But there's no national or global hall of fame for writers (there are state writer halls of fame in Missouri, Georgia, Kentucky and more). There should be and I'm starting it.

Partly because it's a good idea. Partly because I want people to see my name when they search for "writer hall of fame."

Since it's my idea and my hall of fame, I will use my criteria: Inductees are people whose writing I enjoy and who made a big difference in the writing world.

According to me.

What follows is my introductory class of 10 writers in no particular order. They will be honored by having their names listed on a Post-It note in my office cubicle, near my keyboard. Where I write sometimes.

John Steinbeck. The greatest American writer, his novels hold up nearly a century after he began writing.

Steve Rushin. The Sports Illustrated writer uses the language more cleverly than anyone in history. Daily Republic Sports Editor Paul Farmer and I are both members of the Steve Rushin admiration society, so he's in.

J.K. Rowling. She weaved the entire "Harry Potter" series together without making a significant mistake in those crazy, winding plots. To write seven books in a series and have them all be great is unprecedented.

William Shakespeare. The John Grisham of the 16th and 17th century, he wrote for the masses.

John Grisham. The William Shakespeare of the 20th and 21st century, he consistently writes interesting novels.

Charles Dickens. His books remain readable, even though he's been dead nearly 150 years. I sneakily admire him for the fact that he wrote to make a living, not just as art.

The Apostle Paul. Wrote much of the New Testament, so you can consider him the best-selling author of the past two millennia.

Woodward and Bernstein. I am a journalist. Of course I love them.

Dr. Seuss. Despite the confusing plots of his books, his marvelous use of language is magical.

Tony Wade. My favorite Daily Republic columnist, based on his weekly column ("The Other Side"), which has educated and enlightened for years. Wait. That's Kelvin? OK. Now it makes sense. Kelvin Wade, not Tony.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Excuse me, sir! Newspapers were Google before Google

There was a time before Google. It was before we could ask any question into a phone (what was the name of the movie about the White House butler? What are the biggest cities in New Mexico? How tall is Ben Simmons? What are the uninhabited Hawaiian Islands?) and immediately get an answer.

There was no internet, but we could still ask questions and find answers. From newspapers.

Newspapers were the definitive source of information about everything and it wasn't just what they published.

When I started working in newspapers in the mid-1980s, we routinely received calls from the public, asking us to settle disputes. This wasn't part of the job description, but it happened all the time.

I worked in sports, so many of our calls came from local watering holes, where someone talked the bartender into letting him use the phone to settle a bet with his friend.

"Hey, I've got a question for you," the man (it was always a man) would shout into the phone, so he could be heard over the crowd. Then he'd ask a very specific question: "Who did the Jets beat when they won the Super Bowl?" Or, "How many homers did Willie Mays hit?" We would listen and then supply the answer, since most of the questions were the type that any sports writer would know.

The bar guy would shout for joy, then demand that we repeat our answer as he handed the phone to his friend, who accepted our answer.

Because we were authoritative. We were Google before Google.

For years, the Daily Republic sports staff regularly received calls from a man who spoke clipped English with very specific requests, always prefaced the same way. "Excuse me, sir! Could you please tell the result of tonight's major league baseball game in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, between the San Francisco Giants and the Philadelphia Phillies?" He would always say "Excuse me, sir" and would always say the full name of the city, the entire team names and the official name of the sport.

We answered, because we were Google before Google.

Another frequent question was the date of the next Super Bowl. Calls would begin in about March and continue at random intervals. We always presumed it was someone planning a Super Bowl party or trying to avoid a conflict with the Super Bowl, but we just answered, because we were Google before Google.

On election night, the newsroom (even sports writers) would receive constant calls, seeking local results. Other times, people would call to ask how to find Channel 5 on their TV ("Get your remote and click the numeral five."). Others would ask about the weather forecast for the weekend or how much it cost to tour Jelly Belly.

And then the "Excuse me, sir!" guy would call for the score of that night's "National Basketball Association game in Boston, Massachusetts, between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics."

Times changed. The internet surpassed newspapers as the primary source for instant information. I presume most reporters could tell a caller who was president before Bill Clinton or when the Super Bowl is played (3:30 p.m. the first Sunday in February), but it's quicker to ask Google.

In a way, it's sad. But like a lot of things we reminisce about, I suspect we see it as a misty water-colored memory.

I remember plenty of nights when deadline was approaching, articles were still being written, coaches were calling in results and I would get the phone call: "Excuse me, sir! Do you have the score of the National Hockey League game tonight in Detroit, Michigan, involving the San Jose Sharks and the Detroit Red Wings?"

I would stop and look it up. At that moment, I would have been grateful for Google.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Circuit Court makes landmark ruling about monkey business

Cheetahs never prosper. Nor do monkeys, at least in court.

Get it?

Last month, the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit made its latest high-profile ruling, after such decisions as (I'm guessing) Plessy v. Ferguson, Dick York v. Dick Sargent and Joe v. Volcano. This time, it was Naruto et al v. David Slater.

The appeals court ruled against Naruto. Kind of.

If you've been living in a tree (that joke will make sense before the end of this paragraph), here's the synopsis: Naruto is a macaque monkey from Sulawesi, Indonesia, who picked up an unattended camera in 2011 and started taking selfies.

Fine, right? Fantastic, actually. The photos turned out beautifully, better than 90 percent of selfies posted on social media.

Well, wildlife photographer David Slater, whose camera Naruto used, liked them, too. He published the photos in a book, claiming copyright.

Yes.

David Slater used the photos taken by a monkey and claimed that they were legally his.

That's like me taking the work done by 1 million monkeys to create this column and claiming copyright. It is wrong, therefore I won't do so. This belongs to the monkeys, so send them your cranky emails.

Fortunately, we have an organization like the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), the protector of the animal world. PETA filed suit as a "next friend" to Naruto, and the case went through the courts. Would Naruto win? Did a human steal money from him? It was unclear.

Then, last fall, PETA and Slater settled. They reached an agreement requiring Slater to donate 25 percent of his earnings from the book to charities that help Naruto's homeland.

Makes sense, right? It's all over, right?

Well, the court decided to weigh in anyway. And it addressed the 800-pound gorilla in the room – the question of whether the 35-pound macaque was fairly represented.

The court sided against PETA, but with Naruto – which took a little bit of work, since PETA represented Naruto.

First of all, the court threw out the case, saying that until Congress rules that animals can sue, they are forbidden to do so.

But the court slapped PETA, saying the settlement the organization reached with Slater didn't "directly benefit" Naruto, but served the best interests of PETA. The decision called out PETA for using Naruto as an "unwitting pawn in its ideological goals."

We call that monkey business, right?

So Naruto lost the case and PETA lost its settlement.

For PETA, it was a slap on the wrist, but some good news. The organization pointed out that the 9th Circuit recognized that animals aren't banned by the Constitution from bringing a claim in federal court. Congress just needs to pass legislation allowing them to do so.

Theoretically, animals will be able to someday sue – which might be bad news if you forget to feed your dog or cat.

Meanwhile, Naruto becomes a footnote: The loser in a landmark lawsuit that attempted to force a human photographer to compensate the monkey who took great photos.

It's bananas, right?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

On Hawaii trip, 'aloha' could have meant 'goodbye'

To say Mrs. Brad and I narrowly escaped death in Hawaii earlier this month might be an overstatement.

But I'm prone to overstatement: We narrowly escaped death!

Epic storms. Vicious sea creatures. Violent seas. Shaved ice.

It was the most danger-fraught visit to Hawaii since the Brady family visited in 1972 and stumbled across a dangerous tiki idol, which resulted in a surfing accident for Greg, a near-tarantula bite for Peter and a menacing encounter with Vincent Price for all three boys.

We similarly overcame three potential disasters and survived.

Mrs. Brad and I visited the Hawaiian island of Kauai when the biggest flooding in years hit. It included the most rain in one day in island history – more than 28 inches in a 24-hour period for one area, which included eight hours of nonstop thunder and lightning.

Of course, that was the northern edge of the island and we were in the south. But still . . . we could have died. If we'd been in a different location.

The storm definitely impacted our lives – I was awoken by a phone call warning of flash floods. It said to move to high ground, so I did, by getting back in bed.

In the time we were there, hundreds of people were evacuated, the main highway was washed out and . . . we had to endure some sprinkles at the beach.

I checked in as "safe" on Facebook.

A near-death experience!

The flooding wasn't all. While Mrs. Brad and I were hiking at a beach, a surfer was attacked by a shark. He fought it off, but suffered leg wounds.

That could have been us . . . had the shark come up on land and attacked us during our hike. A land shark!

The victim of the attack became a national focus after it came out that he was previously bitten by a bear and a rattlesnake, which makes him either the luckiest or unluckiest man on Earth. All I know is that I feel lucky to have avoided his fate.

Another near-death experience!

Our lone extracurricular excursion involved a five-hour ride on a catamaran, going to the remote Napali Coast. It was great for the first 45 minutes, then I got violently seasick and spent the next few hours alternating between vomiting and staring into a bucket and fighting off nausea. All I could think was, "If I had just been attacked by a shark, this wouldn't have happened." Meanwhile, my shipmates moved as far from me as possible.

It was another near-death experience!

By the time we ended our 10 days on the island, we were ready to come home. We survived flooding, shark attacks and seasickness. And a bunch of days at the beach, relaxing. Which is dangerous in its own right.

Here's all I know about Hawaii, based on my experience and watching "The Brady Bunch": It can be scary.

If you have a trip planned, be careful.

If you'd rather pass and have Mrs. Brad and I go in your stead, we understand and are willing to take your place.

We're brave that way.

Mahalo. It's good to still be alive.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Yes, I won a major singing competition

I know what it's like to be on "American Idol" or "The Voice."

I, too, have been in a singing competition.

I won. By singing "Strangers in the Night" into a telephone after Mrs. Brad mocked me.

I have started four consecutive paragraphs with the word "I." So let's change it up.

This is a story that goes back to the late 1980s, shortly after we moved to the Fairfield-Suisun area. Mrs. Brad and I were getting ready for work on a weekday when the radio station (KUIC, in Vacaville) had one of those wacky morning-radio giveaways called "sing for your supper." The DJ would name a song and the first three callers would sing it, with the best rendition winning a gift package (a gift certificate to a restaurant, bumper stickers, etc.).

Instead of the usual pop or novelty songs, this time they asked for "Strangers in the Night," the legendary Frank Sinatra tune.

I snorted and listened as two callers chimed in and tried to sing. They didn't know the words. They didn't know the tune.

"Come on!" I shouted at the radio. "Everybody knows the words. 'Strangers in the night, exchanging glances . . .' "

Mrs. Brad looked at me with confusion.

The DJ refused to award the prize, since the contestants didn't know the song. He asked for more callers.

I scoffed again. Mrs. Brad told me I should call, because I would win.

"Nah," I said.

No one was calling.

And then it started. Chicken sounds.

"Buck-buck-buckaaa! Buck-buck-buckaaa!" (That seems right to me, but imagine the classic chicken sound people make.)

Mrs. Brad was clucking at me. She was calling me out. My wife was saying I was afraid to call the radio station.

We all know how this should have turned out. I was an adult. Peer pressure shouldn't mean anything to me. Someone calling me "a chicken" shouldn't be enough to force me to do something I didn't want to do. I was a moral free agent!

"Buck-buck-buckaaa! Buck-buck-buckaaa!"

I laughed and shook my head. Ridiculous.

"Buck-buck-buckaaa!"

I'm not sure what happened next. The next thing I knew, the KUIC DJ was answering the phone. I had grabbed the phone in a fit of pique (no one calls me a chicken!) and called the station. I told him my name and from where I was calling.

A minute later, he introduced me. On the air. Mrs. Brad, listening while she brushed her teeth, came running out after she heard my voice over the radio.

Needless to say, I sang the song. Beautifully, I believe.

I even imposed a slight falsetto and a quiver in my voice for effect (" . . . before the night is throoooooough!").

Like a true professional, I sang until I was asked to stop. Actually, I kept singing until I was asked a second time to stop, but that's what professionals do.

I won the prize. I was the only contestant.

Later that day, I arrived at the Daily Republic and was greeted by a co-worker who heard me on the radio that morning and laughed at me. Later that week, I drove to Vacaville to pick up my prize. Even later that week, Mrs. Brad and I dined at the restaurant that awarded the gift certificate.

It was the taste of victory.

So yeah, I know what it's like to sing in a contest and win.

My two-fold secret? Be motivated by your spouse's childish insults. And be the only contestant who knows the words.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Time to rank Bay Area's top 10 pro athletes

You're not a sports fan, but you want to be informed. Or you're a sports fan and you want to argue with me.

No matter. I'm here to meet your needs. Because today I once again rank the top 10 Bay Area professional team sport athletes.

I've done this before, although not since 2014 (when eight of the athletes I rank today were left out of the top 10). The purpose of this is to give you an idea of who is important, who is rising and who is fading in the Bay Area pro sports scene. In other words, who is most important among the sports figures in the region.

This is the top 10. It's based on their popularity, their importance to their team and how much time local fans spend thinking about them (OK, maybe how much time I spend thinking of them).

10. Joe Thornton, Sharks.

I don't know much about hockey, but Thornton has been the face of the Sharks since 2005. He missed much of this year with a knee injury and is nearing 40, but he's the Sharks' marquee player.

9. Mike Krukow/Duane Kuiper, Giants.

The Giants' TV announcers are not the best broadcasters in the Bay Area. They're not even the best announcers for the Giants, but they're the most beloved. This year marks their 25th season as a team, meaning they have been together longer than many Giants fans have been alive.

8. Draymond Green, Warriors.

The most polarizing figure on the NBA's best team over the past few years, he is passionate and explosive. But he's also a unique talent in the NBA who is the league's best defensive player and who possesses the team's highest basketball IQ.

7. Jon Gruden, Raiders.

When the Raiders rehired the coach they traded in 2001, they suddenly have the most high-profile coach in the NFL. His snarling, funny, quirky personality earns him fans who give him more credit than his performance as a coach (95-81 record in 11 seasons, ending in 2008) deserve. But he's a star.

6. Madison Bumgarner, Giants.

The throwback ace of the Giants is still just 28, but already has a Paul Bunyan-sized reputation. The fact that he drives a truck and doesn't talk much just adds to it. He's sidelined until June or July, but remains high on this list.

5. Kevin Durant, Warriors.

Funny that one of the top three basketball players in the world ranks No. 5 in the region, but he still hasn't been here two years and was a full-fledged star before arriving.

4. Derek Carr, Raiders.

The Raiders quarterback would have ranked higher a year ago. With Gruden as coach and better health, he is a top-10 NFL quarterback.

3. Buster Posey, Giants.

The Joe Montana of baseball – a winner who fans will forever associate with the more glorious era of Giants baseball. He's the most likely player on the roster to spend his entire career with the team.

2. Jimmy Garoppolo, 49ers.

Garoppolo has been with the 49ers for a few months, but his role – the charmed starting quarterback for the most popular team (by far) in the region – puts him high on the list. He looks like the quarterback on a Disney movie.

1. Stephen Curry, Warriors.

The greatest player in Warriors history is also the most popular player in team history. He looks like a cartoon character and plays like a superhero. That he's equally likable off the court just adds to the mystique. He's injured now, but if the Warriors advance in the playoffs, his return will make them the championship favorites.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Emptying my notebook on vanilla, baby sprinkles and more

It's the second Sunday of April, which means (don't check) that it's time for my semiannual, ritualistic emptying of the notebook.

As my less-popular colleague Tony Wade observes, sometimes we have ideas that aren't enough to make up a column. Gathered together they create what we like to call a "think piece."

We are the only ones who call it that, by the way.

Such as:

• It's unfair that "vanilla" has turned into a synonym for "bland."

It happens all the time in sports or entertainment. If a performer or athlete is boring – on the stage or field or when dealing with the media – he or she is often dismissed as "vanilla."

Really?

Vanilla is a flavor! It's a strong flavor. Vanilla ice cream isn't ice cream without flavor. The flavor is vanilla!

If I was in the vanilla industry, I would champion this cause, because it's unfair.

Vanilla isn't bland. Vanilla is a flavor.

• A work friend recently attended a "baby sprinkle," which apparently is a thing. It's not a baby shower, it's a sprinkle. It's a way to get gifts for a second or third baby, apparently.

What? Why not just have a baby shower again if that's an issue. Why do we need to create a new term that is so obviously just an adjustment to the correct term (it's not a shower, it's a sprinkle!)?

That, by the way, is an old-man rant. Now get off my lawn and let me listen to my transistor radio.

• Did you see the report that the Pew Research Center has defined what makes someone a millennial?

According to Pew, the millennial generation is made up of people born between 1981 and 1996. That means the oldest millennials turn 37 this year and the youngest turn 22. (Although Pew is sloppy. The center said people born between 1981 and 1996, which literally means from Jan. 1, 1982 through Dec. 31, 1995. But they don't mean that. They meant from 1981 through 1996.)

The Pew decision brings the next problem: What do we call those born from 1997 to present? For now, Pew is calling them post-millennials, but that will likely change.

By the way, only one generation is designated such by U.S. Census Bureau – baby boomers, born from 1946 through 1964.

Now you're smarter.

• The reboot of "American Idol" on ABC is a success – if you consider "it seems just like it was before it went off the air a few years ago" to be the measure of success.

There are good singers, great (if clearly manipulative) storytelling, likable judges. Except . . .

I know that Luke Bryan is a country music legend. He seems like a nice guy. But he also seems like a stereotypical southerner straight out of "The Andy Griffith Show" – he comes across as a simpleton.

Maybe he is?

• Here's something said frequently in movies and on TV shows, but rarely in real life: "Are you threatening my family?"

It's usually at the peak of tension and is stated with an angry confidence, as if the speaker will make the person make the threat rue the day the did it.

It doesn't happen to most of  us, so I recommend you try to work it into a conversation this week. At your job, for instance, when someone asks how your weekend went, walk over to them, look them in the eye and quietly say, "Are you threatening my family?"

Then stare them down.

Trust me. It will be great. Right up until you get called in by the human resources person.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

After decades, 'The Cat in the Hat' still haunts me

When my sons were preschoolers, I was always exhausted. Parenthood and a swing shift will do that to you.

Fortunately, I learned some tricks, including memorization. I could "read" their books with my eyes closed and little energy – most notably "The Cat in the Hat."

(This is a confession, not a recommendation. And to understand the rest of this column, it's helpful to know the plot of "The Cat in the Hat.")

I could go from "The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play . . ." all the way through the appearance of The Cat in the Hat, the destruction of the house, the appearance of Thing 1 and Thing 2, the miraculous cleanup and the return of mother. Without opening my eyes.

Now that Mrs. Brad and I have our first grandchild, the circle of life is about to come around and I'll again be reading Dr. Seuss, which got me thinking . . . what the heck was the point of "The Cat in the Hat"?

I'm certainly not alone in questioning Dr. Seuss' writing, which is brilliant but sometimes disturbing (for instance, was "Green Eggs and Ham" really a willingness to try drugs? Does Sam I Am represent your neighborhood dealer and are "green eggs and ham" really LSD?). However, nearly every element of "The Cat in the Hat" is upsetting if you think about it while reading to a 3-year-old.

Consider, for instance:

1. The fish represents responsibility in the book, but Seuss made him (her?) a prissy killjoy. Why would a child's book portray the most responsible character as joyless, while making the irresponsible party likable. Kind of.

2. Why does the fish consider the mother of the children in the book to be his mother. In fact, he calls her "our mother." He's a fish! Someone needs to inform him that Sally's mother is his owner, not his mother.

3. What exactly are Thing 1 and Thing 2? Are they related to The Cat in the Hat? Are they his minions, forced to do his bidding? Are they the muscle in some Cat in the Hat mob? All we know is after The Cat in the Hat wreaks havoc on the household – mostly by performing ill-advised balancing acts – Thing 1 and Thing 2 make things worse. The house is in chaos and mother is approaching before The Cat in the Hat rides in on a bizarre machine that cleans everything.

4. What the heck is going on with the mother? The children in the story are clearly no older than elementary-school age, yet the mother leaves them at home with very little instruction. You get the feeling that had something gone horribly wrong (The Cat in the Hat starts a fire, burning the domicile to ashes; Thing 1 and Thing 2 cook the pet fish for lunch), it would end up with her in jail. She left two young children alone for hours to fend for themselves.

5. Most importantly, can I get one of The Cat in the Hat's cleaning machines? That thing is amazing!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.