After decades, 'The Cat in the Hat' still haunts me

When my sons were preschoolers, I was always exhausted. Parenthood and a swing shift will do that to you.

Fortunately, I learned some tricks, including memorization. I could "read" their books with my eyes closed and little energy – most notably "The Cat in the Hat."

(This is a confession, not a recommendation. And to understand the rest of this column, it's helpful to know the plot of "The Cat in the Hat.")

I could go from "The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play . . ." all the way through the appearance of The Cat in the Hat, the destruction of the house, the appearance of Thing 1 and Thing 2, the miraculous cleanup and the return of mother. Without opening my eyes.

Now that Mrs. Brad and I have our first grandchild, the circle of life is about to come around and I'll again be reading Dr. Seuss, which got me thinking . . . what the heck was the point of "The Cat in the Hat"?

I'm certainly not alone in questioning Dr. Seuss' writing, which is brilliant but sometimes disturbing (for instance, was "Green Eggs and Ham" really a willingness to try drugs? Does Sam I Am represent your neighborhood dealer and are "green eggs and ham" really LSD?). However, nearly every element of "The Cat in the Hat" is upsetting if you think about it while reading to a 3-year-old.

Consider, for instance:

1. The fish represents responsibility in the book, but Seuss made him (her?) a prissy killjoy. Why would a child's book portray the most responsible character as joyless, while making the irresponsible party likable. Kind of.

2. Why does the fish consider the mother of the children in the book to be his mother. In fact, he calls her "our mother." He's a fish! Someone needs to inform him that Sally's mother is his owner, not his mother.

3. What exactly are Thing 1 and Thing 2? Are they related to The Cat in the Hat? Are they his minions, forced to do his bidding? Are they the muscle in some Cat in the Hat mob? All we know is after The Cat in the Hat wreaks havoc on the household – mostly by performing ill-advised balancing acts – Thing 1 and Thing 2 make things worse. The house is in chaos and mother is approaching before The Cat in the Hat rides in on a bizarre machine that cleans everything.

4. What the heck is going on with the mother? The children in the story are clearly no older than elementary-school age, yet the mother leaves them at home with very little instruction. You get the feeling that had something gone horribly wrong (The Cat in the Hat starts a fire, burning the domicile to ashes; Thing 1 and Thing 2 cook the pet fish for lunch), it would end up with her in jail. She left two young children alone for hours to fend for themselves.

5. Most importantly, can I get one of The Cat in the Hat's cleaning machines? That thing is amazing!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.