If you live under a rock, Hammacher Schlemmer is the company that sells all kinds of exotic things that are marginally affordable. If you live under a rock, Hammacher Schlemmer also likely has something that will make your life better: Perhaps a rock-powered lamp that also works as a shortwave radio.
Hammacher Schlemmer is the modern version of the old Sears Wish Book Christmas catalog.
If you're eccentric.
This year's cover item grabbed my attention and led me to remind Mrs. Brad that Christmas is nearing. It's a Self-Propelled Aquanaut's Suit (all Hammacher Schlemmer items start with capital letters), which allegedly maintains sea-level-area pressure while enabling descents to 1,000 feet below the water's surface. I'm afraid to go 10 feet below the surface and would undoubtedly get seasick, but it seems like a cool thing to have in my garage. I could use the suit to do routine homeowner chores that impress the neighbors. Mowing. Cleaning gutters. Getting mail.
Then I saw the price: $825,000, which is about 8,250 times our budget for Christmas, so . . . nah.
But the rest of the catalog? Fantastic. So if you're planning ahead for this Christmas, consider these options:
The Wi-Fi Communicating Pet Treat Dispenser ($199.95). This allows you to check on a pet from anywhere and remotely dispense treats. It could likely be adapted to include the treats that the man (or woman) in your life enjoys and you could put it next to his (OK, it's likely a man) favorite lounge chair. Boom! A man treat dispenser.
The Any Surface Full Body Massage Pad ($199.95). Over time, it's cheaper than finding motels that have those "magic fingers" beds that use coins. Maybe. Over a long time.
The Star Wars Toasters (Stormtrooper, $59.95, Darth Vader, $39.95). After it's perfectly toasted, you can Chewie your toast.
The World's Largest Toe Tap Piano ($79.95). For any time your recipient wants to re-enact the fantastic scene from "Big."
The Sliding Door 1,044 CD/468 DVD Library ($349.95). This can go next to the 8-Track Storage Shed and the VHS Bookcase! Right next to your oversized boom box that plays cassettes.
The Personal Oxygen Bar ($399.95). Modeled after oxygen bars found in resorts and spas, this can replace the current "oxygen bar" – the Earth's atmosphere.
The Driver's See Through Sun Visor ($19.95). Or as I call it, a "windshield."
The Best Nose Hair Trimmer ($19.95). Since it's the "best," that automatically puts it past my personal choice: A small pair of scissors paired with a smartphone flashlight while standing inches from the mirror. You're welcome.
The Cordless Reading Lamp ($149.95). This is a rechargeable reading lamp that you can move anywhere, in case you live in a house that doesn't have electricity.
The 15-Foot Inflatable Rudolph ($399.95, with a 12-foot inflatable Clarice for $349.95). Can you imagine this in your front yard? And can you imagine the stories your friends could tell after the first wind storm? It's worth the double this price!
The Two-Story Inflatable Black Cat ($299.95). If your 15-foot Rudolph doesn't creep out your neighbors enough, you can add this, while walking in your Self-Propelled Aquanaut's Suit.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment