Hah hah hah. That is a variation of what is undoubtedly my most-used gag in these columns over the 25-plus years I've been writing about things other than sports. Uranus jokes – funny when you're 12, funny when you're 112. Always funny.
Surprisingly, despite Uranus having the funniest planet name, it's not America's favorite planet. Not even close. In fact, of the eight planets other than Earth (the survey-takers included Pluto, which was demoted from planet status when scientists discovered that Pluto never filed the correct paperwork and was, in fact, orbiting the sun under an assumed identity), Uranus is tied with Neptune for sixth place, ahead of only Mercury.
America's favorite non-Earth planet? It's Mars, of course, which benefits from proximity and from the glow of being the home planet of friendly (and unfriendly) visitors in science fiction books and movies for more than a century.
Also, Mars is the name of a famed candy bar, which doesn't hurt. (Note: I would not eat a Uranus chocolate bar for obvious reasons. Hah hah hah. Another Uranus joke!)
Anyway, the rankings of planets among Americans surveyed by the good folks at YouGov provide insight into what planets we like and presumably why we like them.
Here is the breakdown and expert insight (I live on the most popular planet, I know what makes planets popular!) for the rankings.
Mars. No surprise that this leads the way, with 19% of people picking it as their favorite planet (unsurprisingly, 38% of people had no opinion on their favorite planet and 55% had no opinion on their least favorite planet. Earthlings are known for being neutral and we have very little history of arguing over random issues. Am I right?). Mars is the least favorite of only 3% of responders. What do we often call extraterrestrial visitors? Martians. Who is the greatest Super Bowl halftime performer? Bruno Mars. Case closed.
Saturn. Presumably because of its rings, this is the favorite planet of 14% of Americans. Make no mistake, the rings make Saturn cool, as does the fact that it was the name of an American car company from which Mrs. Brad and I purchased a sedan in the early 1990s.
Jupiter. While some might attribute this planet's popularity to the Train song, "Drops of Jupiter," I suspect there's another, more clever reason. It's the only planet with "er" at the end, making it even more Jupit than Jupit. It's Jupiter, get it? To move past Saturn and perhaps even Mars, it could change its name to Jupitest. What could be more Jupit? Nothing. That would be the Jupitest planet ever.
Pluto. The highest ranking planet with a negative ranking (liked most by 7%, disliked most by 11%), Pluto (again, not a planet according to scientists) is the name of a beloved Disney character, but also an impersonator (implanetator?). It feels mean to dislike Pluto, but that wouldn't be the Jupitest thing you could believe.
Venus. People are surprisingly neutral (favorite of 6%, least favorite of 3%) about a planet that has been the title of two iconic songs (although I suspect the songs are about the god Venus, not the planet): The Frankie Avalon version that reached No. 1 on the Billboard charts in 1959 and the entirely different Shocking Blue song that reached No. 1 in 1970 and was remade by Bananarama in 1986 and again reached No. 1. But Venus languishes low in the rankings of favorites. Yeah, baby, she's got it.
Uranus. Guaranteed to get giggles in every middle-school science class forever, it's also the planet that takes 84 years to complete a rotation of the sun. Favorite of only 3% of people and least-favorite by 9% (likely the teachers who had to deal with the chuckles in class). Does it deserve to rank higher? You bet your . . . well, you know.
Neptune. It's the planet most likely to be forgotten when we're asked to name all the planets. What do you think of Neptune? Right . . . nothing. It's blue and really cold (colder than Green Bay, Wisconsin, if you can believe it). There are few movies, songs or even jokes about Neptune. It's the planet that is most overlooked, with only 3% of people naming it as their favorite and 3% having it as their least favorite. The other 94% forget it existed, like Pauly Shore or Sinbad.
Mercury. The planet closest to the sun is the least-favorite of 12% of those who have an opinion, the most of any planet. Only 2% of people like it most, despite the influence of singer Freddy Mercury and former NFL running back Mercury Morris. It's also the only planet with an element named after it (although Uranium, Neptunium and Plutonium are all inspired by planets). That this is the least favorite planet is the Jupitest thing ever. You can bet Uranus on it.
Hah hah hah. There we go again!
Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.
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