TikTok baby-naming consultants find another way to make easy money

If younger millennials or members of Gen Z don't have enough on their plates with their random boycotts and love of avocado toast and their insistence that their parents ruined the world by purchasing homes for $29 back in the 1980s, they now have a new stresser: Naming their children.

It's not just the idea of coming up with the right names – every generation has dealt with that since we stopped naming our children Bradson and Braddotter. But now there's a significant subset that feels like they need the advice of social media influencers to pick the right name.

According to an article on Axios, parents are now hiring TikTok personalities to help them name their children, with an eye toward "cultivating their child's future persona."

Yes. That's right. People are paying TikTok stars $250 for a 10-name package or $400 for a 30-name package of baby names. They do that rather than buying a baby name book (the most popular version sells for $17 on Amazon) or throwing out options until there's an agreement ("How about Jack? Melvin? What about O.J.? What do you think of Max? How about Scout? How about Fin? What do you think of Gronk? Sputnik?").

There are at least four major problems with this approach.

First is that TikTok personalities likely have a variety of lists, maybe sorted by some input you give them. You're not getting unique names, you're getting names from the list by the guy who does funny videos of him making his dog's breakfast (I don't use TikTok. I'm guessing).

The second major problem is that choosing your child's name to "help with their branding" in the future supposes that the future will be the same as the present. Here's all I know: The world 20 years from now will be different. Just think, in 2004, Beyonce was really popular in music; LeBron James was one of the best players in the NBA; a "Planet of the Apes" movie was in theaters and "The Simpsons" was still on TV, years after it debuted. OK, just take my word for it, it was different.

We know the world in 2044 will be different than it is now. For starters, TikTok won't be a big deal (in 2004, TheFacebook (a year away from rebranding as Facebook) launched for college students. while Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Reddit, Snapchat and yes, TikTok didn't exist).

The third problem is that a TikTok influencer isn't going to give you anything unusual.

The Axios story said that most parents want something interesting. Not one of the top 100 names from the annual Social Security Administration list (which includes Ezra, Thiago, Nova, Kinsley and Lyla in 2023), but maybe in the range of 300 to 400 (Karson? Harley?).

That fact is connected to the fourth problem: I could do this for less money and so could anyone else (Hint: Bradley was No. 359 last year, right in the sweet spot!)

These new parents are hiring someone to do exactly what the rest of us did without paying a "celebrity" to assist us: Pick a name that's not weird, but not overly common and projects something positive.

Let's push forward 20 years, to a post-TikTok world. You're one of those parents who paid for a consultant and in 2044, your child asks you how you picked "Waylon" or "Wren" as their name. You have to explain that it was on the advice of someone who made pogo-stick video shorts (again, I don't have a TikTok account). What's worse, you'll have to explain that you were stressed out because you wanted to post your announcement of the name on Instagram (which won't exist anymore).

Here's a simpler method, from someone who helped name two sons: Just pick a good name. Look at the Social Security list. Buy a baby name book. Think about relatives or celebrities or characters you admire. 

Save yourself the stress and the $400 and save the world from TikTok celebrities who earn extra money selling lists of names after making short videos of them lip-syncing to a Janet Jackson song (again, I'm not on TikTok).

And remember, Bradley ranked 359th last year.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.