Fighting the battle for sideburns one day at a time

Old habits are hard to break – especially grooming habits

The backstory: I was asked during a recent haircut why I don't have sideburns. I don't have sideburns? I guess not. 

I don't know why. There's a faint memory of someone cutting my hair and asking, "Do you want your hair to square off with the top of your ears?" I took it as a suggestion and said yes.

It's possible – maybe probable – that they asked because that's how my hair was already cut. That it was confirmation, not a suggestion.

I now realize that having no sideburns at all is unusual and that I've been that way for a long time. Does anyone else notice? Do some of my co-workers refer to me as "that sideburn-less freak? Do people at the grocery store snicker after I leave?

I suspect not. I suspect no one notices.

But still . . . why don't I have sideburns?

I told the hairstylist that as a youngster I didn't want sideburns because I associated them with my dad's styles from the 1970s (powder-blue suits, long sideburns, zippered leather boots, Old Spice aftershave), as well as with country music stars of that era. I didn't want to look like Merle Haggard, for crying out loud.

But why none at all? I have no idea. It seemed like no big deal, but I checked some websites, which were unanimous that men should have some sort of sideburns. I don't.

When did I lose them? A quick check through a few old photos showed that the last time I clearly had sideburns of any type was in the early 2000s. After that, it gets fuzzy (the facts, not the sideburns). For sure, I had none by about 2013.

Anyway, I decided to grow my sideburns out a little. I need to be modern.

The hairstylist (and websites) suggested I grow them down to at least the middle of my ears, so I announced the change to Mrs. Brad (who then began telling me which NBA players have sideburns and which don't, ignoring the fact that those without sideburns tend to be young, African-American and have fade haircuts).

The next day, I started to grow sideburns by shaving at mid-ear level down. It was difficult, because my default shaving style is to start high. I don't really think about it.

But I was determined.

I left the sideburns again the next day. And the next. And the next. There was a little peach fuzz, although not much (do my sideburns grow slowly? Maybe that's why I eliminated them!).

The next day I started shaving and boom! I realized I'd started at the normal level. I'd eliminated a week's worth of growth on the right side. I had to start all over!

I told Mrs. Brad, who laughed. I decided to allow the left side to remain and figured the right side would catch up.

A few days later, I finished shaving and realized I'd again shaved the old way – starting at the top of my ear, not the middle. This time, I'd eliminated a few days' worth of fuzz on the right side and 10 days' worth on the left.

So, I started again. One of my goals for 2024 is to grow my sideburns to the point that the internet isn't making fun of me. As of this writing, I'm still going. I'm trying to change my habits, which are proving difficult.

As the old song goes, "It's harder to face up to the mirror, leave all the habits on the shelf."

Oh no! That's from a Merle Haggard song! It's already happening!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.