Fifteen talking points to get you through the Super Bowl

If you're not a football fan on Super Bowl Sunday, it can be lonely.

I understand. I'm a football fan, but I know what it's like to not care about something that everyone else is fascinated by – after all, I don't care about Star Wars. Or MMA fights. Or plant-based foods. Or "Project Runway." (OK, I occasionally watch "Project Runway." But I don't care about the others.)

It's hard to be an outsider. If you're not a football fan (or a fan of commercials), today may be rough. Super Bowl Sunday is one of America's unofficial holidays and is practically unavoidable.

How to survive? I have some talking points to get you through – allowing you to see the commercials that people will be discussing Monday.

Here are 15 things you can say during the game that will make it seem like you are paying attention. Some are true.

• "Isn't it weird that Super Bowl is two words, but football is one word? And first down is two words but touchdown is one word?"
• "Nice play by Rams running back Sony Michel. Speaking of Sony, have you seen my Walkman? I lost it in 2007."
• "This is Super Bowl LVI. Do you know how to say that? It's pronounced, 'Livie.'"
• "I know Bengals running back Joe Mixon is good, but what do you think his life is like, having Joe Biden's first name and Richard Mixon's last name? Wait. It's not Richard Mixon? Really? Boy have I been wrong for a long time. This is embarrassing. Next, you're going to tell me it wasn't Jimmy Barter."
• "Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford is the grandson of Jim Stafford. You know, the guy who sang 'Spiders and Snakes' in the 1970s."
• "Cincinnati has a good football team, but you know what is really big there? Cincinnati is the capital of cornhole!"
• "Oh, sure, this halftime show is enjoyable, it's Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg! But they've got to go a ways to beat Up With People, who did four Super Bowl halftime shows.  I presume they were in favor of people, which is admirable. Oh, sorry. I'll be quiet so you can listen."
• "Oh, Eminem is performing. Which reminds me, please hand some of those multi-colored button-shaped chocolates. I can't remember what they're called."
• "Which team is the 49ers?"
• "Rams coach Sean McVay is the youngest coach in the NFL. He's 14 and is in eighth grade."
• "Did you know that Rams' receiver Cooper Kupp has a third arm sticking out of his chest? That's why he catches so many balls."
• "This game is being played in SoFi Stadium. Do you think they're using WiFi and listening to a HiFi? Hahahaha. Isn't it weird that Super Bowl is two words, but . . . "
• The Bengals have never won a championship. They're kind of like Susan Lucci. You know, Erica Kane on 'All My Children.' Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were paying attention to the game."
• "I know this is important, but is it OK if I flip over to the Puppy Bowl for a second?"
• "The winner of the game gets the Lombardi Trophy. It's named after that legendary NFL coach whose name everyone knows: Vince Trophy."

Reach Brad Stanhope (who really doesn't like Star Wars) at brad.stanhope@outlook.com.