FBI's says 'Bigfoot hair' came from a deer – as expected

The FBI says tests performed 42 years ago on hair purported to be from Bigfoot came instead from something in the deer family.

Of course it did. Because what else would the FBI say?

This is the same agency that claims Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing John F. Kennedy, that insists the NBA didn't fix the 1985 draft lottery to give the New York Knicks the first pick and contends that Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman aren't one guy pretending to be two different actors.

So of course it denies that Bigfoot is real.

I was raised in Bigfoot country: Humboldt County. I've seen the Bigfoot statue in the small town of Willow Creek. I've played at the Bigfoot Golf and Country Club.  I've driven past the Bigfoot Motel.

Those are all real, although the FBI probably denies their existence. Just like it denies the obvious truth that the Titanic never sunk and that the moon landing was staged.

In case you've been living in a cave for the past 100 years (in which case, say hi to Elvis, Amelia Earhart and John F. Kennedy, who likely lived there with you), here's the basics on Bigfoot: He is a large, hairy beast that walks upright and leaves footprints around the Northwest. No, not a defensive lineman for the Seattle Seahawks, silly!

Many people claimed Bigfoot lives in Washington or British Columbia, but smart people connect Bigfoot to Humboldt County, where otherwise-struggling communities where I grew up can make money off the connection.

Bigfoot is said to be nearly 7 feet tall, but notoriously shy. Or reclusive. Or nonexistent, if you believe the FBI.

Bigfoot is shrouded in mystery, like the Loch Ness Monster, Abominable Snowman, werewolves and Yeti (Wait. Was the Abominable Snowman just a representative of Yeti, portrayed in "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer?" if so, my apologies). If you're like me, the more that the official organizations downplay their existence, the more I'm convinced they are real.

Like when the FBI denied that "fluoride" in our drinking water is really just a sneaky way to dispose of industrial waste. If that's not true, why does my breath smell so bad?

Anyway, Bigfoot.

The FBI's Bigfoot report came in response to a Freedom of Information request to see the 1975 correspondence between the FBI and the Bigfoot Information Center, an Oregon-based organization that was dedicated to finding Bigfoot and Patty Hearst, while promoting the use of 8-track players.

After explaining that the FBI didn't do routine investigation into matters not connected with law enforcement (a cop-out, right?), the agency acknowledged testing a sample of hair that was submitted to it and said the hair came from the deer family.

So here's where we stand: After decades of research, there's no proof of the existence of Bigfoot. However, there remains a great Bigfoot statue in Willow Creek, the Bigfoot Golf and Country Club still exists, a reporter from the Trinity Journal newspaper in Weaverville was still seeking eyewitnesses of Bigfoot a little over a year ago and a Google search for "Bigfoot" turns up more than 46 million pages.

In other words, there's plenty of smoke, so there probably is a fire.

Here's all I know. The FBI may say the hair comes from a deer, but it doesn't account for two possibilities:

1. That Bigfoot is part of the deer family,
2. That Bigfoot owns the Bigfoot Golf and Country Club in Willow Creek.

That's enough for me, because I know the 1985 NBA draft lottery was fixed.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.