Mattel is one of two American brands that dominate the toy market – last year, the company earned $4.5 billion, narrowly trailing Hasbro, which earned $4.6 billion. Despite that, Mattel is missing something: Movies.
Transformers is a Hasbro toy and a movie franchise. So are Battleship and G.I. Joe. Mattel has no significant movie franchises.
Until now.
The company recently announced it will launch a Barbie movie franchise, which is easy to envision. Same thing with Hot Wheels. Those movies will be big!
But Mattel is going beyond that. Are you ready for films about the View-Master? How about Uno?
Yes. Finally. A movie about Uno.
Seem crazy? Maybe, but fortunately for Mattel, I've done some of the hard work with my screenplay script, which I now submit for your review:
INT: LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Family sits in a circle, playing cards. The youngest, 5-year-old MAX is excited. Older sister MINNIE and parents MOM and DAD also sit, not as excited. Minnie lays down a card, leaving her with three cards.
MAX
Uno!
MINNIE
I have three cards. You don't do that until there's just one.
MAX
Not true! Read the rules!
Minnie sighs and picks up two additional cards as camera pulls back to show both parents checking their watches. The film is set in the era before cellphones.
MAX
It's your turn, Mom!
Mom plays a 5, then a 3. Close-in shot shows she has only two cards left. Mom picks up a card. And another card and another card.
MAX
You can play an eight!
MOM
Nope. That's Crazy Eights, not Uno, dummy!
Mom, Dad and Minnie all throw their heads back, laughing. Mom finally gets a red 6 and plays it. Now it's Dad's turn. Dad plays a red 4.
MAX
Uno!
DAD
I have two cards.
MAX
But you will play that other card and only have one! You have to pick two cards! It's in the rules! Another rule is that my lines all end with exclamation marks!
DAD
The rules are . . .
MAX
You have to pick two cards! No fair! Quit cheating!
Camera pans to Mom, Dad and Minnie, all of whom roll their eyes. Inexplicably, the theme from "Dr. Zhivago" begins to play, followed by "Danger Zone." Dad picks two cards. Music fades.
MAX
This is fun! You had to pick cards! Now it's my turn!
Max plays a red 2, then a green 2, then a green 7.
MAX
Uno!
MINNIE
It's not time yet. You still have three cards.
MAX
I won't in a minute.
Max plays a blue 7 and a blue 5. He now has one card.
MAX
See? I have Uno now! I was right!
MINNIE
But that's not the . . .
Max plays a Wild Draw 4 card, jumps up and begins to dance as the "Zhivago" theme returns. Scenes of horses pulling sleighs across the Russian snow are mixed with scenes of Max dancing.
MAX
I win! And you have to pick up four cards!
MINNIE
No, the game is over.
MAX
No fair! I gave her a pick-four wild card! She has to pick it! And I still have exclamation marks after everything I say! No fair!
Camera pans to show Mom, Dad and Minnie. Then zooms in on Max, moving closer, closer, closer. The lights flicker, then go out. In the dark, a blood-curdling scream. The lights come back on and Max is gone. Mom, Minnie and Dad sit in a circle.
DAD
Guess how many kids we have now?
MOM AND MINNIE
Uno!
The three of them unhinge their jaws, laughing. After a minute of uninterrupted laughter – enough to make the audience uncomfortable – there's a knock at the door. Minnie looks at her parents, gets up and answers as the camera follows from behind. She opens the door to see a Magic 8 ball. Camera zooms in to show the words "Signs point to yes."
MINNIE
Noooooooooooo!
Camera fades to black and screen shows in white letters: COMING SUMMER 2020: UNO DOS: MAGIC 8 BALL, THE MOVIE.
You're welcome, Mattel.
Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.
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