There's a real problem with people who say 'long story short'

Mrs. Brad and I recently discussed about how certain people often tell long, involved stories and she made an astute observation: People who say "long story short" rarely tell short stories.

Her observation came after we sat through a long narrative about an experience someone had, as he added unnecessary details and descriptions of things that weren't germane to the point at the end. And he said "long story short," at least twice.

That people who say that rarely mean it is one of the ironies of life, like how duct tape shouldn't be used on ducts and that the only guy in ZZ Top without a beard is named Frank Beard.

Anyway, long story short, the storyteller took much longer to get to the point of his story than had he simply told us the key point. And he made it longer when he explained that he would make it short.

We all know storytellers and most are people who have always been that way. Hopefully, they've improved their skills throughout their lives, but that's not a given. Some people are just as long-winded at 80 as they were at 8.

I don't think that applies to me, but I don't really clearly remember what I was like at 8 and don't know if I'll reach 80. Maybe others do.

But long story short, I had a recent Facebook post wherein I shared the mean-spirited criticisms I get sometimes for my column and volunteered that I occasionally post them on my cubicle wall. I said it was "for inspiration," but really it's to amuse me.

Anyway, one of my friends – Kenny, who once lived in a treehouse – agreed with one critic who compared my writing with that of a middle-school student by saying that I've written like this since middle school. Because he's known me that long.

Long story short, another friend chimed in to say that I've always had "the gift of gab," which both amused and surprised me. Because I don't see myself that way and because I haven't heard anyone born after 1930 use the phrase "gift of gab." But my friend did.

I guess that's a long way to explain the fact that those of us who like to tell stories – and really, many of my columns are just absurd storytelling – do it naturally. Those of us who are too long-winded often know it and try to mitigate the danger by telling people we are going to make it shorter than it would be otherwise.

However, we don't always do so.

Long story short, we think that saying we're not going to do something buys us a little mercy from people, since we acknowledge our weakness.

It's like people who say "no offense" before they say something offensive. I don't know about you, but I've never said "no offense" without following it up with something that is potentially offensive. Otherwise, why say it?

Long story short, you don't.

Anyway, to get back to the point made way back in the first paragraph, Mrs. Brad is correct (nearly always, with the notable exception of an argument we had early in our marriage about our dresser and chest of drawers. Turns out she thought a chest of drawers was called a "dresser" and vice-versa. For one memorable time, I was demonstrably right. But, long story short, what followed is 30-plus years of me being wrong.).

Aren't people who tell wandering stories annoying?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.