Mrs. Brad drives faster than me, but it's (allegedly) not her fault

I've had issues with speeding.

I received 10 speeding tickets by the time I was in my early 30s, a rate of about one every 18 months. I was once pulled over by a highway patrolman in Arizona who told me he wouldn't have ticketed me had I slowed down during any of the 10 minutes he was following me. My young sons once debated in the backseat whether the Fairfield police officer who pulled me over was the same one "who did last time," while Mrs. Brad fumed and fidgeted in the front seat. I took pride in the fact that until about my eighth speeding ticket, I'd never been ticketed twice in the same jurisdiction.

I've had issues with speeding.

But that's in the past and I rarely (if ever) speed anymore, thanks mostly to cruise control. It helped me reset my view of appropriate speed after I used it to force me to drive the speed limit consistently for a few years, whether around town or on the freeway.

This an ironic column, because Mrs. Brad drives faster than me, likely because of cruise control.

A report by Insurance Institute for Highway Safety found that adaptive cruise control makes drivers 24% more likely to speed. Mrs. Brad's vehicle has adaptive cruise control – a system that uses radar to adjust your speed and keep you a safe difference from the car in front of you. You can set adaptive cruise control on the freeway and it keeps you in the flow of traffic, sounding an alarm if you're approaching anything too fast.

It's kind of magical. And it makes you drive faster.

First the magic. My 16-year-old Prius has standard cruise control, which is handy, but still requires the driver to be 100% engaged (well, maybe 95% engaged, depending on what you're listening to while driving). Mrs. Brad's 9-year-old Prius has the adaptive cruise control, which allows you to relax and steer while it keeps your spacing correct. For example: We once drove from Portland to the Interstate 505 turnoff (which takes you to Vacaville) on Interstate 5. It was nine hours of steering, which was so much easier than braking and accelerating constantly.

However . . .

Over the past decade or so, I realized that Mrs. Brad drives faster than me, which is opposite our personalities: She's much more relaxed and quiet while I'm always in a hurry. Something led to this divergence and I prefer to think it's not that I'm an old man who drives 45 mph on the freeway.

Now I think I know why.

Adaptive cruise control.

To be clear: The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety study found that 77% of drivers without adaptive cruise control were guilty of speeding, while 95% of those with adaptive cruise control were speeders. So it's not like it turns people who drive below the speed limit into Mario Andretti (Hey! A 50-year-old pop culture reference!). It's more like adding sprinkles to ice cream: It exaggerates what's already there. Hello, Mrs. Brad!

I now feel better. After having to explain myriad speeding tickets ("they caught me on the speed trap on the Texas Street corner by Armijo," "an airplane used radar to track me on Highway 101," "the cop asked me why I was trying to illegally pass and I told him I was actually falling asleep"), I feel superior. She drives faster. She speeds more.

That it's not her fault is no more a defense than the fact that I was caught by an airplane on Highway 101 made it not my fault.

Trust me. I went to court and lost that one.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

The crazy, tragic tale of Tiger, the Brady Bunch family dog

 

Dogs get little respect on TV, but this isn't about disrespect. This is about an outrage.

Dogs aren't people, so they're largely taken for granted on the big or small screen. Even Lassie, the biggest canine star in TV history, was played by a series of dogs without any official announcements of changes.

Compare that to the attention each new James Bond receives.

Anyway, I was recently discussing Brady Bunch power rankings with a co-worker, something that I presume happens in offices across our great nation. My rankings don't have Cindy in the top 12. She ranks behind her sisters, brothers, parents, Cousin Oliver, Sam, Alice, Buddy Hinton (who mocked Cindy before being punched by Peter) and even Tiger, the Brady's dog.

What happened next brought the outrage: I Googled "Tiger" to make sure that was indeed the dog's name and found that . . .

Tiger appeared in four episodes, then was hit by a car and died.

What?

WHAT?

It turns out that Tiger was the James Dean of dogs – a brilliant actor struck down at the dawn of a legendary career. But nobody knows it.

At least I didn't, because the people who ran the Brady Bunch empire kept it under wraps. In fact, after the fatality, they replaced Tiger (that was the dog's real name. Tiger played a character named Tiger. Maybe Tiger is the Tony Danza of dogs.) with a lookalike dog that wasn't as good an actor. Tiger No. 2 was fired by the show during the second season and disappeared from the storyline.

Tiger Brady appeared in 10 episodes (four featuring the original Tiger, six with the replacement Tiger), then went away. The family conveniently ignored that they had a dog, in the Mike and Carol  ignored the existence of their first spouses. The Brady family was very good at pretending bad things didn't happen.

But. But . . .

How is the fate of Tiger Brady not one of the biggest scandals in TV history? Tiger died in a car wreck, then the producers found an imitation Tiger, whom they fired.

This ranks with the weird departure of Chuck, Richie's older brother on "Happy Days." (A theory: Chuck was a Soviet spy. The Cunninghams lived in Wisconsin, the home state of red-baiting Sen. Joseph McCarthy. Chuck's parents found out about his work for the USSR and he "disappeared." To give Richie and Joanie a chance in life, they pretended Chuck didn't exist. Prove me wrong!)

But people talk and joke about Chuck Cunningham. No one mentions Tiger Brady.

Tiger was on pace to be one of the greatest canine characters in TV history. His performance in the pilot episode, when he chased Fluffy, the girls' cat (who also disappeared from the series) was worthy of an Emmy. Then Tiger died and his replacement ruined the role. Tragedy? Scandal?

Maybe both, but don't ignore the fact that for the rest of the series, the Brady family kept Tiger's doghouse in the backyard.

Did they think he'd return? Did Mike and Carol tell the kids Tiger "went to a farm" and the kids were waiting for his return? Was the doghouse a message to the Brady kids that they'd never escape the clutches of Mike and Carol and they could get hit by a car, too?

I don't know. All I know is that the James Dean of TV dogs never got proper respect because the producers tried to cover up his death.

Tiger deserved better.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

 

 

 

Eight facts to explain why daylight saving time is glorious

Sunday was one of the best days of the year: Daylight saving time started.

Long-time readers of this column are familiar with my views on this issue: Daylight saving time is better than the badly misnamed standard time.

From Sunday through Nov. 7 – 34 weeks – our clocks will be correct. The sun will rise a little later in the day, but the evening hours will be brighter. Then we'll go back to standard time – which constitutes 35% of the year.

It's absurd. But enough about math.

Allow me to take the opportunity to educate you about daylight saving time. Here are eight important daylight saving time facts:

• The term is "daylight saving time." Not "daylights." Not "savings." And letters are capitalized only at the start of a sentence. It's daylight saving time.
• We don't actually save time when we "spring forward." What happens is we stop wasting daylight, which is what happens from the first Sunday in November through the second Sunday in March. Smart people know that if we insist on continuing to split the year this way, the time from November through early March should be called "daylight wasting time" and the rest should be called "the glorious sunshine-honoring period of joy."
• The Uniform Time Act of 1966 normalized the way we keep time in America, making federal what was previously was a local decision. The 1966 legislation set DST at six months, then it was extended in 1986 and 2005 to its current eight months.
• Inexplicably, states can opt-out of DST, but must observe standard time. Several states – including California – have expressed a desire to go to DST permanently, but the federal government doesn't allow it. Big Brother, indeed.
• Georgia recently passed a bill to opt-out of DST. Related note: Georgia also has a law against keeping a donkey in a bathtub. The people who oppose DST also like unbathed donkeys.
• During the energy crisis of the mid-1970s, the U.S. went to year-round DST from January 1974 through April 1975. During that time, Richard Nixon peacefully left the presidency, "Sweet Home Alabama" was released, Mel Brooks released both "Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein," Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's career home run record and the Oakland A's won their third straight World Series. Also, Leonardo DiCaprio, Amy Adams, Joaquin Phoenix, Olivia Colman, Bradley Cooper,  Derek Jeter and Steve Nash were born. Are you telling me that's a coincidence? That might be the most productive 16-month period in American history.
• According to a 2019 survey, 40% of Americans favored dropping DST, 30% favored permanent DST and 30% like things the way they are. My research shows that the 40% of the population that wants permanent standard time also can't figure out how to change the clock setting on their microwave ovens or in their cars.
• Canada was the first country that allowed cities to adjust to daylight saving time. Canada also is responsible for more good comedians per capita than any country in the world. Coincidence?

The sun set at 7:15 p.m. Sunday, adding a glorious additional hour of sunlight late in the day. While the sunrise moves back an hour, too, it will be rising before 6 a.m. by mid-April.

Join me in celebrating one of the great days of the year. And let the unbathed-donkey-loving, microwave-clock-stumped people grumble and complain.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com

 

 

If only there were a real-life version of the check-engine light

Someone recently stole the catalytic converter from my 2005 Toyota Prius, an act of thievery that caused me to pay more than the Kelley Blue Book value of the car for a new part.

The first sign that I had been victimized was when my check-engine light came on. The second was when the Prius engine sounded like a dragster.

In this case, I didn't really need the check-engine light, but that light is pretty handy. For most of us, at least – even though it causes anxiety.

Sometimes the anxiety is the "I need to make sure my gas cap is on tight" way. Other times it's the "I need to get my car to the shop before it breaks down on Interstate 80 during a rainstorm" way. Other times it confirms that you're not paranoid, your car is running weird.

Anyway, the check-engine light generally helps. And while the I-work-on-my-own-car guys complain about it, that light is helpful to those of us who aren't handy with the wrench (in my case, "not handy" means "I don't know which end to hold.")

Which got me thinking . . . wouldn't it be useful if there was a check-life light? A light that goes on (maybe in our brain, where only we can see it  to remind us to check ourselves. Our attitude or words or decision-making. A check-life light.

For instance, wouldn't it be handy if you were sharing a frank opinion about a co-worker and your check-life light came on to inform you that the person was standing behind you or that you were talking with their best friend?

That would be helpful.

Wouldn't it be handy to have a check-life light that would alert you that the two-day-old fish you were heating in the microwave had gone bad?

That would be helpful.

How about a check-life light that reminded you to stop and consider the repercussions before you answer when your girlfriend or wife (or husband or boyfriend) asks you how the dinner tastes or how the new outfit looks?

That would be helpful.

How about a check-life light to remind you that it's been 20 years since you last bungee-jumped and this one might not turn out so well?

That would be helpful.

Or a check-life light to remind you that the police had been watching for speeders the past few times you drove through a neighborhood.

It would also be handy to have a check-life light to give you a heads up that you're choosing the wrong time to demand a raise . . . or that it's a mistake to accept something less than you deserve. A check-life light to assist in negotiations for a job or a car or a home, letting you know when you overstep your bounds or fail to recognize that the person with whom you're negotiating is willing to keep talking.

That would be helpful.

Here's a really good one: It would be cool to have a check-life light to let me know that I could spend a few hundred dollars for a shield over the catalytic converter on my car, making it difficult for thieves to steal a part that costs thousands to replace.

That would be helpful. A check-life light like that would eliminate one incident that required a check-engine light.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

 

 

When writing a correction was anything but simple

 

(Editor's note: Two of the rarest skills in journalism are writing a good editor's note and write a good correction. In light of that, the Daily Republic is not responsible for the events discussed in this column.)

When I was a young sports editor in the late 1980s, a local baseball fan who was also a pretty good writer made a proposal before he went to baseball spring training: If I got him press credentials, he would write a series of articles for the Daily Republic about his experience. He would write an outsider's view of being a sports writer.

It was a great idea.

(Editor's note: Brad should have consulted newspaper management over liability issues for this decision.)

Things went well. The guy went to Arizona, came back, filed a series of articles about his experiences and we published them over several days. Everything went as planned.

Until about two months later.

That's when the man who covered the Giants for the San Francisco Examiner newspaper called and complained. According to our reporter's article, the reporter had arrived at spring training and was greeted by a kiss on the cheek from Giants manager Roger Craig.

Ummm . . . that didn't happen.

What did?

Well, the reporter had a name that could be either a man or a woman (let's call him "Kelly Jones," which is not his real name). What really happened was that female columnist from the Bay Area showed up and Roger Craig kissed her on the cheek – at least according to our man in Arizona. He grabbed a copy of the next day's newspaper, presumed "Kelly Jones" was a woman and presented it as such.

(Editor's note: That incident should have been eliminated in the editing. Who cares?)

"Kelly Jones" called, demanded a correction and had a point. We did a sloppy job reporting. We said the Giants manager kissed "Kelly Jones" upon arrival at spring training, which implied a closer relationship between the manager and reporter than existed. It was a silly mistake, but I needed to write a correction, which as I mentioned earlier, required some skill.

(Editor's note: Brad could have asked for help, but if you've read this far, you realize that was unlikely.)

The problem was that every way I tried to write it, it sounded wrong. I started with "'Kelly Jones' was misidentified as a woman. He is a man." No.

Then, "Roger Craig didn't kiss 'Kelly Jones' during spring training." That created more questions than answers. The first goal of editor's notes and corrections is to get facts correct. The second goal is to not make things worse.

The more I thought about it, the worse it got. Nothing was simple. I second-guessed myself.

Why did we allow that guy to represent us? Why hadn't I realized that "Kelly Jones" wouldn't get a kiss on the cheek from Roger Craig? Maybe more than anything, how did "Kelly Jones" find out about the article, months later? How angry was "Kelly Jones?" Would this mistake ruin any chance I had of ultimately working for the San Francisco Examiner?

(Editor's note: Of course it did.)

Finally, I figured it out. With some help from the managing editor, we simplified it. "'Kelly Jones' was misidentified in an article about baseball spring training in March."

(Editor's note: If he wanted help, he needed an editor.)

The lessons? Be careful who you trust to represent your organization.

Never guess names.

Ask an editor for help when you need it.

And who wanted to work at the San Francisco Examiner, anyway?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

I am proof that younger siblings more likely to be elite athletes

In what should be no surprise to my three older sisters, an analysis of athletes in 33 sports in Canada and Australia concluded that elite athletes are more likely to be later-born children.

Amen. I presume the parallel is true: That later-born children are more likely to be elite athletes.

With that established, my older sisters can quit saying I got lucky that time I beat them in horseshoes. Or that they weren't trying when I beat them at P-I-G on our driveway basketball hoop. Or that they were lucky when they outran me consistently throughout our childhoods.

Look around. It's obvious. Younger siblings are usually better athletes.

Venus Williams is great, but younger sister Serena is better. Michael Jordan is the youngest of three sons. Tom Brady is the youngest of four children (with three older sisters!). Bo Jackson was the eighth of 10 children. Bobby Brady had (at least) four older siblings. Maggie Simpson was the youngest of three children.

Brad Stanhope was the youngest of four children.

I was known in my childhood neighborhood for my Nerf football, wiffleball and red-white-and-blue basketball skills (or maybe for owning a Nerf football, wiffleball and bat, and red-white-and-blue basketball.

My sisters weren't.

While the Canada-Australia study didn't highlight specific reasons for the superiority of younger siblings, there are theories.  In an article for analytics website fivethirtyeight.com, Tom Wigmore pointed out that younger siblings strive to keep up with older siblings, heightening their abilities and gaining early exposure to sports. He also said athletes improve when they are challenged and fail, something that often happens early for younger siblings.

Those didn't come into play for me, of course. Had I attempted to keep up with my sisters early in life, I would have played with paper dolls and taking piano lessons. (Later, it would have included stealing my dad's liquor and smoking weed, but let's keep that between us.)

However, being the youngest sibling helped. The rare chances to play one-on-one basketball with a sister (and taunt her after I won) or play wiffleball (and taunt her after I threw a curveball) heightened my confidence. My ability to build a janky version of a "Superstars" obstacle course in the backyard (hurdle over a broken-down sawhorse, climb over the shed, step in two inner-tubes and pretend there are more), then beat them after practicing for hours helped me know I was better than them.

There's a chance (guarantee) that my sisters didn't care that I beat them in basketball or could strike them out in wiffleball or could kick a nerf ball farther. There's a chance (likelihood) that they could have beaten me at most things if they practiced, but since I was their younger brother, they let me win.

Those are chances, but let's remember the science: The study conducted in Australia and Canada said younger siblings are far more likely to be elite athletes.

And while I never became an elite athlete (or arguably, even a mediocre athlete), one thing is true. The younger sibling has an advantage. In our case, I'm the only one with a newspaper column where I can tell stories about winning one-on-one basketball games or throwing curveballs with a wiffleball.

That's elite, right?

The younger child wins again. Me, Tom Brady, Michael Jordan and Maggie Simpson.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Modern American cults exist to worship products, fast food

Cults don't necessarily involve people embracing an unusual lifestyle or believing something that most of us find incomprehensible.

Cults are defined as "a system of veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object." They are also "a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing."

Like those who worship at the shrine of Apple. Or Oprah.

Today we're talking about American cults – in this case, organizations that receive unexplainable love from admirers. A decade ago, such a list would have included Oprah and Starbucks, but cults don't last forever.

(By the way, this is like columns I wrote several years ago about overrated people: Anyone who disagrees with me proves my point, because if they disagree it proves they are brainwashed. Your denial about a cult proves that it is a cult. Get it?)

The most obvious American cults:

Apple. A new iPhone comes out and people line up around the block. A new MacBook comes out and people insist we should all get one. An updated iPad or Apple Watch? People go crazy about it. Ask an Apple disciple about the company's products and you experience what it's like to ask a cult member what they believe. Apple's history as a technology company is impressive. Apple's history as a cult is even more amazing.

Las Vegas Raiders. What do you call an organization that treats its followers shamefully and followers double their devotion every time? A cult. The Raiders leaving Oakland twice has just increased how much their fans love them. If the Raiders banned fans from seeing games and tried to lose every game (which might be a description of the 2020 season), fans might become even more passionate. In this cult, Al Davis is the messiah figure – a jumpsuit-wearing, Brooklyn-accented messiah.

Chick-fil-A and In-n-Out. Chick-fil-A has outstanding chicken sandwiches (and I have a good friend who works for them!). In-N-Out Burger has tasty, fresh ingredients. I'll concede as much. But both are fast-food restaurants. Fast food restaurants! How is it that a chicken restaurant inspires people to camp out for days before it opens? How is it that a hamburger restaurant creates followers who will argue on social media about how great the product is? I don't know. But that's the thing about cults: They inspire surprising devotion.

Disney. Mickey Mouse. Beauty and the Beast. Elsa. Bambi. They all work for a multibillion dollar global conglomerate that has convinced millions of Americans to empty their wallets a few times a year to overpay for dolls and experiences. Disneyland is great and so is Disney World. The Disney movie company is good. But Disney isn't in business to improve your life. It's in business to make money – nearly $70 billion annually. Cult members act as if that's not true. They act as if Disney is a nonprofit that exists to provide perfect entertainment. It's an effective cult.

There are more: Michael Jordan has a cult-like following, as does the Dave Matthews Band. So do Tesla and ESPN. There are undoubtedly more.

The point? Go ahead and like your Apple, Disney, Chick-fil-A, In-N-Out and Raiders. Just realize you're part of a cult.

Reach Android-using, 49ers-loving Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com (a Microsoft email address).

Greatest Guilty Pleasure Songs

Championship

U Can't Touch This (3) vs. Jesse's Girl (2)

Semifinals

U Can't Touch This (3) vs. Sugar Sugar (5)

Jesse's Girl (2) vs. We're the Monkees (3)

Quarterfinals

Snoopy vs. Red Baron (13) vs. U Can't Touch This (3)

Sugar, Sugar (5) vs. Indian Reservation (11)

Cover of the Rolling Stone (16) vs. Jesse's Girl (2)

Convoy (5) vs. We're the Monkees (3)

Sweet 16 Matchups

Bye, Bye, Bye (1) vs. Snoopy vs. Red Baron (13)

We're the Monkees (3) vs. Careless Whisper (2)

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia (9) vs. Sugar, Sugar (5)

Cover of the Rolling Stone (16) vs. Billy Don't be a Hero (5)

U Can't Touch This (3) vs. All-Star (7)

Indian Reservation (11) vs. Hooked on a Feeling (10)

Kung-Fu Fighting (3) vs. Jesse's Girl (2)

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (8) vs. Convoy (5)

Second-Round Matchups

Bye, Bye, Bye (1) vs. I'm Too Sexy (8)

Cover of the Rolling Stone (16) vs. The Night Chicago Died (8)

Mambo No. 5 (3) vs. Indian Reservation (11)

Beach Baby (12) vs. Snoopy vs. the Red Baron (13)

We're the Monkees (3) vs. Harper Valley PTA (11)

U Can't Touch This (3) vs. I Think I Love You (11)

Wannabe (10)  vs. Careless Whisper (2)

All-Star (7) vs. Afternoon Delight (2)

Billy, Don't Be A Hero (5) vs. Hot Rod Lincoln (13)

Kung-Fu Fighting (3) vs. Ghostbusters (6)

Turning Japanese (16) vs. The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia (9)

Sugar Sugar (5) vs. One Night in Bangkok (13)

Hooked on a Feeling (10) vs. Monster Mash (15)

Livin' La Vida Loca (10) vs. Jesse's Girl (2)

99 Red Balloons (16) vs. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (8)

Convoy (5) vs. Macho Man (13)

                   First-Round Matchups

"U Can't Touch This (3) vs. "Puppy Love (14)

"Never Gonna Give You Up" (8) vs. "The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia (9)

"Jesse's Girl" (2) vs. "Pac Man Fever" (15)

"You Light Up My Life" (6) vs. "Harper Valley PTA" (11)

"I'm Too Sexy" (8) vs. "Put Your Hand in the Hand" (9)

"Sugar Sugar" (5) vs. "Amos Moses" (12)

"The Night Chicago Died" (8) vs. "Candyman" (9)

"We're the Monkees" (3) vs. "Theme From the Greatest American Hero" (14)

"Bye, Bye, Bye" (1) vs. "Disco Duck" (16)

"Ice, Ice, Baby" (4) vs. "One Night in Bangkok (13)

"Billy, Don't Be A Hero" (5) vs. "MacArthur Park" (12)

"Convoy" (5) vs. "Baby One More Time" (12)

"Afternoon Delight" (2) vs. "Popmuzik" (15)

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" (6) vs. "Indian Reservation" (11)

"Escape" (1) vs. "Cover of the Rolling Stone" (16)

"What Does the Fox Say" (7) vs. "Wannabe" (10)

"Stars on 45" (5) vs. Beach Baby (12)

"Seasons in the Sun" (7) vs. "Hooked on a Feeling" (10)

"Macarena" (4) vs. "Hot Rod Lincoln" (13)

"Tubthumping" (4) vs. "Macho Man" (13)

"All Star" (7) vs. "Havin' My Baby" (10)

"Who Let the Dogs Out" (1) vs. "Turning Japanese" (16)

"Kung Fu Fighting" (3) vs. "Feeling Groovy" (14)

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," (8) vs. "Battle of New Orleans" (9)

"Achy, Breaky Heart" (4) vs. "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron" (13)

"YMCA" (2) vs. "Monster Mash" (15)

"Ghostbusters" (6) vs. "Stacy's Mom" (11)

"Gangnam Style" (1) vs. "99 Red Balloons" (16)

"Mmm Bop" (6) vs. "I Think I Love You" (11)

"Mambo No. 5" (3) vs. "Jump" (14)

"In the Year 2525" (7) vs. Livin' La Vida Loca (10)

"Careless Whisper" (2) vs. "Patches" (15)

Play-In Matchups

Turning Japanese vs. The Name Game
Disco Duck vs. The Thong Song

Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini vs. Cover of the Rolling Stone

99 Luftbaloons vs. Candy

1. "What Does the Fox Say?" by Ylvis
2. "Convoy," by C.W. McCall
3. "Turning Japanese," by the Vapors
4. "Stars on 45" by Stars on 45
5. "Popmuzik," by M
6. "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Men
7. "Escape (the Pina Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes
8. "The Cover of the Rolling Stone," by Dr. Hook
9. "Gangham Style," by Psy
10. "In the Year 2525," by Zager and Evans
11. "Snoopy vs. the Red Baron," by The Royal Guardsmen
12. "Monster Mash," by Bobby "Boris" Pickett
13. "The Name Game," by Shirley Ellis
14. "Curley Shuffle," by Jump in the Saddle Band
15. "Pac Man Fever," by Buckner and Garcia
16. "Bomb Iran," by Vince Vance and the Valiants
17. "My Girl Bill," by Jim Stafford
18. "Disco Duck," by Rick Dees
19. "We're the Monkees," by the Monkees
20. "Mmm-bop" by Hanson
21. "I Think I Love You," by the Partridge Family
22. "Puppy Love," by Donny Osmond
23. "Bye, Bye, Bye," by NSync
24. "U Can't Touch This," MC Hammer
25. "Baby One More Time," Brittany Spears
26. "Livin' La Vida Loca," by Ricky Martin
27. "Mambo No. 5," by Lou Bega
28. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," by Wham
29. "Ice Ice Baby," by Vanilla Ice
30. "Achy Breaky Heart," by Billy Ray Cyrus
31. "Never Gonna Give You Up," by Rick Astley
32. "Baby Got Back," by Sir Mix-A-Lot
33. "Whip It," by Devo
34. "Jump" by Kriss Kross
35. "Sugar, Sugar," by the Archies
36. "99 Luftbaloons" by Nena
37. "Don't Worry, Be Happy," by Bobby McFerrin
38. "Macerena," by Los del Rio
39. "Stacy's Mom," by Fountains of Wayne
40. "Battle of New Orleans," by Johnny Horton
41. "One Night in Bangkok," by Murray Head
42. "Used to Be," by Stevie Wonder and Charlene
43. "Why Not Me," by Fred Knoblock
44. "Put  Your Hand in the Hand," by Ocean
45. "Feelin' Groovy," Simon and Garfunkel
46. "The Night Chicago Died," Paper Lace
47. "Billy, Don't Be a Hero," by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
48. "Afternoon Delight," by Starland Vocal Band
49. "Hot Rod Lincoln" by Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen
50. "Hooked on a Feeling," Blue Suede
51. "Macho Man," by The Village People
52. "Patches," by Clarence Carter
53. "Ghostbusters," Ray Parker Jr.
54. "MacArthur Park," by Richard Harris
55. "Thong Song," by Sisqo
56. "Kung Fu Fighting," by Carl Douglass
57. "Running Bear," by Sonny James
58. "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia," by Vicki Lawrence
59. "Indiana Wants Me," by R. Dean Taylor
60. "Amos Moses," by Jerry Reed
61. "Seasons in the Sun," by Terry Jacks
62. "Beach Baby," by The First Class
63. "I'm Too Sexy," Right Said Fred
64. "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," by Brian Hyland
65. "Chumbawamba," by Tubthumping
66. "Candy," by Mandy Moore
67. "Candyman," by Sammy Davis Jr.
68. "My Ding-a-Ling," by Chuck Berry
69. "Careless Whisper," Wham
70. "Greatest American Hero," by Joey Scarborough
71. "Jesse's Girl," by Rick Springfield
72. "YMCA," by the Village People
73. "All Star," by Smashmouth
74. "Havin' my Baby," by Paul Anka
75. "You Light Up My Life," by Debbie Boone
76. "Wannabe," by the Spice Girls
77. "Harper Valley PTA," by Jeannie C. Reilly
78. 
    

Raiders, 49ers fans agree: Neither team should win today

This is a tough Super Bowl for Bay Area football fans, but one that creates common ground.

When the Kansas City Chiefs and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers meet today, it will be a matchup of teams that Las Vegas (Oakland) Raiders fans dislike. It's also a matchup of teams that San Francisco 49ers fans dislike.

If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, this is a rare situation where 49ers and Raiders die-hards can be friends. Maybe.

Raiders fans dislike the Chiefs because they've been a divisional rival for 60 years. Raiders fans dislike the Buccaneers because Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady was the beneficiary of a ridiculous "tuck rule" call in the playoffs in January 2002 that led the the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl while the Raiders watched.

49ers fans dislike the Chiefs because Kansas City beat San Francisco in the Super Bowl last year. 49ers fans dislike the Tampa Bay because Brady is the man who has generally surpassed Joe Montana in most people's view as the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Brady has been an irritant for two decades.

So for whom should a Raiders or 49ers fan support today – or more accurately, which most deserves dislike? Let's use science.

Here are three categories, where the cities, teams and players rank and who deserves more disdain.

Dumb geography: As discussed last year in this space, there are two cities called Kansas City: One in Missouri, one in Kansas. Worse yet, they're next to each other. How dumb! Meanwhile, Tampa Bay is not a town, but shorthand for region: the Tampa-St. Petersburg-Clearwater area in Florida. But the area is the Tampa Bay Area, not Tampa Bay. Calling the team the Tampa Bay Buccaneers is like calling the 49ers the San Francisco Bay 49ers. Absurd. Which is worse: Kansas City.

Sick of seeing them: Tampa Bay's Tom Brady played college football in the last millennium, which means he played at Michigan in the same millennium that Columbus lived. He's been winning Super Bowls since 2001. It's time to go. Kansas City coach Andy Reid was named head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles in 1999, meaning he coached in the league in the same millennium that the printing press was invented. This year marks his 16th playoff appearance. It's time for both to go. Which is worse: Brady (Tampa Bay). He's a player, for crying out loud!

Cities' other teams: The Tampa Bay area (all the teams insist on calling themselves "Tampa Bay") has baseball's scrappy Rays, who lost in the World Series. It has the NHL's Tampa Bay Lightning, which won the Stanley Cup title last year. It is the home for the Toronto Raptors NBA team this season (due to Canada's tight travel restrictions), the same Raptors who beat the Warriors in the 2019 NBA Finals. In short, Tampa is Titletown USA. Kansas City has the scrappy Royals, who lost to the Giants in the 2014 World Series and won it in 2015. It's the former home of the Sacramento Kings and has no NHL team. Which is worse: Tampa Bay, because we're sick of them winning.

The verdict: It's tough to root for either team, but Tampa (with a bunch of good pro teams and with Brady at quarterback) is worse. We'll hold our noses and hope Kansas City wins.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Fauci, mask-makers, your high school friend among COVID-19 Top 10

As we hit the first anniversary of the first cases of COVID-19 in the United States, it's time to do the obvious: A top-10 list.

Obvious to me, at least. Let's list the 10 people (or groups) who made a mark over the year of the pandemic. You may have temporarily forgotten some of these people and the passage of time has changed our current perspective on some. But they are the pandemic-related stars of the past year.

In no particular order, although the first pick is obvious:

Front-line healthcare workers. This includes people who work at hospitals, nursing homes, clinics, regular medical offices, pharmacies and more. They were the most at-risk to contract the virus and most in contact with people terrified of the virus. For day after day after week after month. Legitimately heroic.

Dr. Anthony Fauci. The medical star of the pandemic has been an advisor to every president since Ronald Reagan, but I didn't know him until 2020. Did you?

People who made masks. In the first few months of the pandemic, there was a serious shortage of masks. That's where volunteers stepped in. Church groups. Service clubs. School volunteers. Anyone who made masks for people outside their families is worthy of this list. We haven't forgotten your contribution when we needed it.

Nathan Apodaca. He's the Idaho man in the viral video who drank Ocean Spray's Cran-Raspberry juice while riding his long skateboard to the song "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac. Really not much to do with COVID, except he brought joy in September, when pandemic fatigue was real.

Your high school friend who claimed in early March that COVID-19 was no worse than the flu and who now thinks the vaccine is a government conspiracy. Enough said.

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo. The early media star of the pandemic, along with Dr. Fauci. His calming, reasoned daily media sessions were enough to make us forget that New York was the center of the pandemic. It was good TV when we needed it.

Rudy Gobert. The Utah Jazz center tested positive for the coronavirus March 11, making it seem real. Frighteningly so. Within five days, all major professional and college sports leagues stopped, lockdown orders began and we realized this was no joke. Tom Hanks tested positive the same day, but Hanks gets enough credit for other things. Rudy Gobert made us realize this was a real threat.

Delivery drivers. We knew that package-delivery services – UPS, Fed Ex, USPS, etc. – were important. But who knew how much we'd rely on food delivery? Grocery delivery? Prescription delivery? While many of us were waiting at home, they brought us hair clippers, books, clothes, ingredients for new recipes. Everything.

Eric Yuan. We had video-calling services before COVID-19, but nothing as easy to use and widely used as Zoom, of which Yuan is the creator and CEO. Had you heard of Zoom before March? Me neither. Do you use it now? Me, too.

Joe Exotic. Remember when the "Tiger King" series came out on Netflix in April, a few weeks into the first lockdown? If there ever was the perfect time for a crazy true-crime series, that was it. It was true and it was crazy. Joe in prison now, but we're still not sure about Carole Baskin.

There are plenty of other candidates, restricted by space: Hourly-wage workers who kept going; children, parents and teachers dealing with distance learning; millions of people who lost their jobs, but kept contributing. The vaccines are rolling out (of course everyone involved in that is worthy of mention) and hopefully, we will see a return to normalcy by the end of the summer.

It's been a bad year, as we approach 500,000 American deaths and countless other lives knocked askew. But the Top 10 at least brought some light into our lives.

Or in the case of the ubiquitous know-it-all high school friend, some darkness.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.