"Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia Nut. Pine nut," he drones. Harlen is obviously tickled by the story and tells how it would drive his mother crazy. "She'd say, 'Harlen Pepper, if you don't stop saying nuts. . . " And the joke was that we, of course, lived in Pine Nut."
"Pine nut" ranks in the upper-tier movie phrases, alongside, "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "Say hello to my little friend" and "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." It's movie magic.
Harlan Pepper also had a great idea. How do we rank nuts? What's the best?
From the guy who has ranked office supplies, home furniture, Bay Area sports team owners, minor holidays and at least 33 more things comes this week's rankings: The top nine types of nuts, counting down.
You surely won't disagree, but if you do, you're . . . (ready?) . . . nuts!
On to the rankings:
10. Hazelnuts. I'm not sure I've eaten them as a standalone food, but I've definitely had hazelnut-flavored coffee, which is pretty good. And if they were good enough to be mentioned by Harlen Pepper in "Best of Show," they're good enough for my list.
9. Walnuts. A great secondary or tertiary ingredient for many products, but the fact that Mrs. Brad despises walnuts and won't eat food if it has walnuts, moves these down on my list. Also, they're rather hard to crack.
8. Chestnuts. They are outstanding in only one condition: While roasting. Key: It must be on a fire that is open. No fireplace-roasted chestnuts for me.
7. Macadamia nuts. These benefit from their association with Hawaii. They're Hawaiian nuts, so they must be great! Right? This may be the real truth: They're replacement-level nuts that come from a great state. They're like an average quarterback who plays at Notre Dame.
6. Pecans. Some people put these at the top of their list, particularly people old enough to remember when pecan pie was a thing (I'm sure it's still baked by people, but no longer considered "a thing.").
5. Pistachios. A great mystery of life is why anyone would choose to get pistachios in the shell when they could get them without. They're tasty and the biggest risk is eating too many because they seem like they're not substantive.
4. Coconuts. These are actually a type of fruit, but they have the word "nut" in their name. So, yes, they're nuts. (I realize Grape Nuts and nutmeg could qualify on that standard, but all their appeals have been exhausted. Only coconuts qualify under this rule.) Coconuts are different than other nuts (maybe because they're a fruit), which moves them up the list.
3. Cashews. The fact that these come in a variety of flavors boosts their ranking. Are they elite? No, but they're a great pairing with other flavors. They're like an actor who is outstanding in a supporting role, but not great as a standalone actor. Cashews are the Ernest Borgnine (old reference!) of nuts.
2. Almonds. I may have them too high on my list, influenced by seeing them as a special kind of nut when I was a kid. My parents would only indulge in almonds on occasion (were they expensive? Maybe. Messy? Probably), so they seemed strangely exotic and exciting.
1. Peanuts. Technically a legume, these are nevertheless the king of the nut world. The perfect stadium food, they are also a tremendous addition to any restaurant that allows peanut shells to be thrown on the floor. They're the key ingredient in peanut butter, perhaps the world's greatest food, which solidifies the ranking. All hail the peanut!
Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.
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