If you disagree with my rankings of nuts, you're . . . crazy

Perhaps the greatest moment in cinematic history came during the 2000 film, "Best of Show," where Harlan Pepper – a dog trainer from Pine Nut, North Carolina – tells how during his childhood, he'd recite the names of "every nut that there was."

"Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia Nut. Pine nut," he drones. Harlen is obviously tickled by the story and tells how it would drive his mother crazy. "She'd say, 'Harlen Pepper, if you don't stop saying nuts. . . " And the joke was that we, of course, lived in Pine Nut."

"Pine nut" ranks in the upper-tier movie phrases, alongside, "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "Say hello to my little friend" and "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." It's movie magic.

Harlan Pepper also had a great idea. How do we rank nuts? What's the best?

From the guy who has ranked office supplies, home furniture, Bay Area sports team owners, minor holidays and at least 33 more things comes this week's rankings: The top nine types of nuts, counting down.

You surely won't disagree, but if you do, you're . . . (ready?) . . . nuts!

On to the rankings:

10. Hazelnuts. I'm not sure I've eaten them as a standalone food, but I've definitely had hazelnut-flavored coffee, which is pretty good. And if they were good enough to be mentioned by Harlen Pepper in "Best of Show," they're good enough for my list.

9. Walnuts. A great secondary or tertiary ingredient for many products, but the fact that Mrs. Brad despises walnuts and won't eat food if it has walnuts, moves these down on my list. Also, they're rather hard to crack.

8. Chestnuts. They are outstanding in only one condition: While roasting. Key: It must be on a fire that is open. No fireplace-roasted chestnuts for me.

7. Macadamia nuts. These benefit from their association with Hawaii. They're Hawaiian nuts, so they must be great! Right? This may be the real truth: They're replacement-level nuts that come from a great state. They're like an average quarterback who plays at Notre Dame.

6. Pecans. Some people put these at the top of their list, particularly people old enough to remember when pecan pie was a thing (I'm sure it's still baked by people, but no longer considered "a thing."). 

5. Pistachios. A great mystery of life is why anyone would choose to get pistachios in the shell when they could get them without. They're tasty and the biggest risk is eating too many because they seem like they're not substantive.

4. Coconuts. These are actually a type of fruit, but they have the word "nut" in their name. So, yes, they're nuts. (I realize Grape Nuts and nutmeg could qualify on that standard, but all their appeals have been exhausted. Only coconuts qualify under this rule.) Coconuts are different than other nuts (maybe because they're a fruit), which moves them up the list.

3. Cashews. The fact that these come in a variety of flavors boosts their ranking. Are they elite? No, but they're a great pairing with other flavors. They're like an actor who is outstanding in a supporting role, but not great as a standalone actor. Cashews are the Ernest Borgnine (old reference!) of nuts.

2. Almonds. I may have them too high on my list, influenced by seeing them as a special kind of nut when I was a kid. My parents would only indulge in almonds on occasion (were they expensive? Maybe. Messy? Probably), so they seemed strangely exotic and exciting.

1. Peanuts. Technically a legume, these are nevertheless the king of the nut world. The perfect stadium food, they are also a tremendous addition to any restaurant that allows peanut shells to be thrown on the floor. They're the key ingredient in peanut butter, perhaps the world's greatest food, which solidifies the ranking. All hail the peanut!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Young people will roll their eyes at your emoji use

This should come as no surprise: Younger generations have their own secret meanings for emojis.

Yes, those thumbs-up emojis you sent to a child or grandchild may have been taken with a different meaning than intended, but don't feel bad – they already knew they were cooler than you. This just proves it.

According to a Wall Street Journal interview with Erica Dhawan, who wrote a book on "digital body language," there are plenty of misunderstandings concerning emojis. For instance, to Generation Z (those born 1997-2012), a smiley emoji is often read as passive-aggressive, rather than encouraging. Sparkles can mean something exciting. Or it can be used ironically. Of course, if you were cool and 24 years old, you could tell the difference.

The bottom line for emoji use, according to Dhawan, is that older people tend to use the emoji based on its dictionary definition and the cool, younger people use it on their own definitions. Postmodernism! If emojis don't have specific meanings, is there any objective truth?

Well . . . 

Anyone who has been young, had children or been around young people (which includes all of us) already knows the shift to insider meanings for words or symbols is inevitable – although many of us think we are cool enough that it won't happen to us. We'll always be current, we'll always understand the culture, we'll never be baffled by how young people speak.

IYKYK, right? All those acronyms (in this case, "if you know, you know," which itself is a weird phrase. Grandpa Brad here, saying, that's true in the same way as "if it's green, it's green" is true) and changed meanings are a way of keeping the language fresh for younger generations.

I'd do better if I had more riz (charisma) and could be low-key lit.

It was no different for millennials (born 1981-1996), who use (or used) terms like "adulting" and "bae" and "shook." My sons are of that generation and we forever were confused by them saying they were "talking" with a girl.

"Talking? Speaking? Using words?" I'd screech, pushing my glasses up my nose and adjusting my pocket protector (at least that's how I presume they saw me). I think it was more than that, but am not sure.

Every generation changes the language to make it harder for adults to identify and to stake out their own area. Think about an adult in 1985 hearing teens calling things "radical" and "bogus" and "tubular." A decade earlier, think about "catch you on the flip side" and "can you dig it?" and "keep on truckin.'"

Think about 1955 or 1935 and teens saying, "made in the shade" or using the term "beatnik" or saying "hep cat" or "aces."

Heck, my guess is that the younger generation in 1600 said things like "fiddlesticks" or "I play guitar in the band 'The Rolling Stones'" and confused the previous generation. The first post-caveman generation likely had cave paintings that confused the previous generation ("Why man have small stick in hand?" Grok asks his son. "Small stick ironic use of word 'stick!" "What?" "It's lit!")

All this highlights that we can change the way we communicate (from cave drawings to grunts to speaking to writing to speaking on phone, to texting to emojis, which are really cave drawings), but each generation will communicate in a way that their parents and grandparents don't understand.

It was true for Grok, it was true for Keith Richards, it was true for your grandparents and it's true for Gen Z.

A hint to know when your words are considered outdated by a younger generation: They always are, so there's really no "hint."

Can you dig it? Catch you on the flip side.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Once I get my trademarks, I'll be getting paid all the time

Bill Belichick is either a fool or a genius.

The legendary former New England Patriots coach is now the coach at the University of North Carolina. He's 73 years old. His girlfriend, Jordan Hudson, is 24.

That's not the fool/genius issue I'm discussing, although my guess is that you had an immediate reaction to that information. Hudson was born April 7, 2001. At that point, Belichick was 10 days from his 50th birthday, having established himself as a genius defensive coordinator for 11 seasons with the New York Giants. He was a year into his second NFL head coaching job–three, if you count that he was the New York Jets' coach for one day. He was about to realize he was a much better coach if he had Tom Brady on his team.

Yes, Tom Brady was in the NFL when Belichick's current girlfriend was born. So yeah, there's a significant age difference.

Again, that's not the issue. The question is whether Belichick and Hudson (who has the uncommon ability of knowing how to make headlines and money) are brilliant in their request to trademark a series of phrases.

Yes, trademarks. They've filed for 17 trademarks on phrases, so you can't use them for any commercial purpose without their approval (which would usually include some sort of compensation).

Many of the phrases have "(Bill's Version)" listed after the words, an apparent tip of the cap to Taylor Swift. Those without such an addendum include "Saving Miss Daisy," "Trail of Salty Tears" "Chapel Bill" (a play on Chapel Hill, the location of the University of North Carolina) and "The Belichick Way."

But the headline request is to trademark the phrase "gold digger," which seems like a bold attempt by Hudson to make people pay for calling her a name. Trademarking that phrase might also come as a surprise to many people (including Kanye West and Jamie Foxx, who had a hit song by that name, as well as anyone who, you know, actually dug for gold as a profession). I admire the self-awareness of Hudson to try to trademark that phrase, as well as the audacity to trademark a common phrase.

It makes me wonder if it's worthwhile for Stanhope Enterprises (a made-up company with a name for which I may seek trademark protection) to make a run at registering trademarks for other phrases. Before I consult with my longtime personal attorney, Atticus Finch, here are some phrases I'd like to trademark.

"Are you really going to wear that?" It's been used by concerned mothers and wives for generations as men head out to an event while wearing clothes they like. However, the rules would change. Say it? Pay me.

"Have you seen my glasses?" Another common phrase uttered by mature people who are actually wearing their glasses at that time. Once I get the trademark? Say it? Pay me.

"Please hold. Your call is important to us." I hate the phony politeness of a recording while I'm 30 minutes into waiting for what will inevitably be disappointing service. Perhaps by having to pay each time this is used, it will change things. Perhaps not, but say it? Pay me.

"It's a Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad World." No one has ever said this out loud, but if I trademark it, perhaps people will start. It's worth a try. Say it? Pay me.

Belichick and Hudson may be foolish, but if they are, they'll have company. If they're geniuses, I will be, too (if Finch agrees).

Because it's a Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad World. If you read that out loud, prepare to pay me.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Six reasons why the NFL is America's favorite sport

America's favorite sport really gets rolling this week.

The NFL isn't just America's favorite sport. If there were a way to measure it, the NFL would be America's seven favorite sports. Consider this: 72 of the 100 most-watched TV broadcasts in 2024 were NFL games. Read that again. Was that an outlier? Maybe, but not in the direction you thought. The figure was 93 of the top 100 in 2023, when there was no Olympics, no presidential election.

The NFL is King Kong.

For decades, there was a feeling that it was the nation's most popular sport, but baseball was often close behind (or even ahead). The Michael Jordan era pushed the NBA ahead of baseball and optimists could make the case that basketball was on track to ultimately push the NFL as the No. 1 sport.

Two-and-a-half decades into the new century, it's undisputed. The NFL is king of sports. And king of television. And maybe king of culture. Second place among sports? College football.

Which brings the obvious question: Why? Why is the NFL so much more popular than other sports (also including mixed martial arts, golf, tennis, pickleball, hockey and auto racing)?

Allow me to suggest six reasons that we (and by that, I mean you and your friends, not me. I'm an NBA- and baseball-first fan) love the NFL:

1. It's a perfect TV sport. NFL games last approximately three hours, with about 11 minutes of on-field action included within that time. But football's rhythm fits perfectly with the modern smartphone and social media attention span of Americans:  One play takes a few seconds, then there's a 30-second break (or more) in which you can digest what happened, watch replays or talk to someone. Then another play. Frequent commercial breaks. A 15-minute halftime. If you asked a neurologist to design the perfect TV show for the modern brain, this would be it.

2. An optimal schedule. NFL teams play once a week, which allows you to be a fully invested fan without having to pay attention every day. Baseball teams play six or seven times a week; NHL and NBA teams play about three times a week. That's a lot of games. The NFL schedule allows you to watch a game one day, talk about it the next, take a break for a few days, then repeat. Also, every game is important in the way that's largely true only in the postseason for baseball, hockey or basketball.

3. It's violent, but not too violent. This obviously is a matter of opinion (Mrs. Brad doesn't like football and an estimated 95% of the time she walks into a room when I'm watching a game results in a season-ending injury to a player), but the NFL has been good about minimizing the obviously dangerous scenarios (penalties for shots to the head, a definition of "defenseless" offensive players, allegedly neutral doctors on the sidelines), while continuing to allow big hits. If we ignore long-term brain injuries, it's not too violent. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

4. It's a perfect fantasy sport. Because of the schedule and the simplicity of how fantasy football scoring works (even the complicated rules generally match the eye test for what is worth points), fantasy football is wildly popular. More than twice as many people play fantasy football as play either fantasy basketball or baseball. And playing fantasy football makes you care about every game.

5. Rules changes, analytics make it more interesting. NFL owners know that offense is what attracts fans, so there is a constant evolution to encourage more scoring and more explosive plays. Additionally, when the analytics folks got involved and looked for ways to increase efficiency, the results made the game more exciting. Both baseball and the NBA have to deal with the reality that many things that analytics folks say increase a team's shot at winning often make the game duller.

6. It owns the media. This is general (media companies are dependent on the NFL to drive eyeballs) and literal (the NFL just bought 10% of ESPN, assuring that the country's most important sports journalism organization is a public relations arm of the league). The NFL has media muscle and exercises it. And having games on so many platforms (ESPN/ABC, Fox, CBS, NBC, Amazon, Netflix, YouTube) means that the NFL is promoted everywhere, since those organizations have a built-in incentive to push the league: Ratings.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.