I can (maybe) run faster than a 3-million-year-old woman

I've never been a fast runner.

Now, running begins with a slow lean back, a slight pitch forward and then a trot. Which maybe turns into a fast trot. Sprints are rare.

Back in the day, if I needed to run, I'd just go. Now, I see a break in traffic and want to cross the street quickly, I lean back, roll into a run and trot across the street.

You know what it's like.

I'm slower than I used to be, but I'd still beat Lucy in a race. And so would you.

Eat our dust, Lucy!

If you're wondering whether I mean Lucille Ball or a modern Lucy, it's neither (modern means post-1960. Lucy Liu? Lucy Lawless?).

It's the original Lucy, a hominin whose skeleton was found in the 1970s. (Hominin means "a group of bipedal apes that includes modern humans, extinct human species and their ancestors." I thought it meant a word that sounds like another word but is spelled differently.)

Lucy's origin was traced back about 3 million years and she is considered the earliest human ancestor, older than Keith Richards, Tom Brady and Dick Van Dyke.

How do I know I could outrun Lucy? Well, other than my irrational confidence, it's based on research.

Curious about how Lucy – and others like her – could run, scientists, musculoskeletal specialists and evolutionary biologists in the United Kingdom recently formed a dream team to create simulations of Lucy running. It's not clear why, but perhaps it was to inspire this column.

As reported in a paper titled "Running performance in Australopithecus afarensis" (talk about clickbait!), researchers studied whether Lucy and her contemporaries could run on two legs (I don't know their names, but I'd like to think they are Ricky, Fred and Ethel, a joke that makes sense if you are a contemporary of the original Lucy). If so, how fast?

They found that she could run on two legs, but here's how fast: Slower than me. They found that she could run upright but that she was much slower than modern humans.

I'm a modern human (I own a smartphone! I drive a hybrid! I go to Starbucks!), so I'd run right past Lucy.

My 40-yard time might be slow, but it's probably Refrigerator Perry slow, not Lucy slow.

To study Lucy's running speed, researchers created a simulator and added what they knew about her muscular and skeletal systems. Crucially, Lucy lacked the long Achilles tendon that modern humans have. She also didn't have shorter muscle fibers in her legs, muscle fibers that help with endurance running (according to an article I read. I don't understand any of this).

The most important conclusion was that running would be so taxing on Lucy that she would only do so when required. Lucy, like most of us, was in no hurry to run.

However, researchers found that at her top speed (with some adjustments of modern muscles), Lucy could run about 11 mph. That's much slower than the top speed of 17 mph for modern humans.

Which means . . . 

Umm . . .

Wait a second. I probably can't run 11 mph. That seems kind of fast. Maybe Lucy was faster than me after all.

Well, I bet I can type faster than Lucy. I bet I can look up things on Google faster than she could.

We're better.

Eat my dust, old woman!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Is that mysterious door-knocker a friendly face or a horror movie character?

You're sitting at home, relaxed, and someone knocks on your front door.

What do you do? Get up and answer it? Ignore it and hope it goes away?

How do you feel? Interested? Excited? Anxious? Terrified?

Well, based on a survey by the folks at YouGov, the older you are, the more curious you are and the more likely you are to answer the door. The younger you are, the more fearful and annoyed you are.

All because of someone knocking at your door.

It's a generational litmus test: Do you think it might be the late Ed McMahon or Dick Clark, bringing you an oversized check for winning the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes? Or do you think it's a horror movie character (a clown? Someone in a weird mask?), waiting to slash you open?

For many of us, the first reaction is confusion. Besides the occasional delivery person alerting you that they dropped something off, when does someone knock on our front door? When was the last time you surprised someone by knocking on their door? When was the last time someone surprisingly knocked on your door?

It rarely happens. The days of door-to-door salesmen are largely over. It's been a long time since a Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door. Neighborhood kids rarely sell candy or magazine subscriptions door to door, instead relying on their parents to do so. A knock on the door likely means Amazon or another delivery service dropped something off.

But . . .

The surprise door-knocker still brings some interest and warmth to those in the Silent Generation (born in 1928-1945). More than two-thirds (68%) of respondents from that generation say they'd answer the mysterious door knock and 51% say their reaction is curiosity. ("Oh, let me answer the door. It's probably the Avon lady," is my presumption.)

Compare that to Millennials (born 1981-1996) and members of Generation Z (born 1997 or later): Combined, those folks (44 years old and younger) are equally likely to ignore the surprised door-knocker as they are to answer the door. The youngest respondents are also the most fearful of the door knocker, perhaps conditioned by scary movies (or the anxiety that the person will actually be an Avon or Fuller Brush representative and the Gen Z person will have no idea what they are or how to get rid of them).

In musical terms, younger people are more Dave Edmunds ("I hear you knocking, but you can't come in. I hear you knocking, go back where you been.") than Tony Orlando and Dawn ("Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me."). That comparison largely slips past anyone born in 1981 or later, so it won't help.

Our reaction to a surprise visitor is likely a window into how we view society. As we become more reliant on technology and social media for interactions, actual person-to-person contact like someone knocking on our door becomes more irritating or scary.

It's not surprising that members of the oldest generation, who spent most of their life with the telephone being the only way you could "talk" to someone without being face-to-face, are still interested in who is at the door. It's not surprising that the youngest generations are more anxious and avoidant.

There's no right way to react to a surprise door knock, I guess. I just assume that it's a package that Mrs. Brad ordered through Amazon and ignore it.

Which is bad for the Avon Lady or the Fuller Brush salesman making their way through my neighborhood.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

10 Reasons to Root For Eagles, Chiefs in Super Bowl

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, America's greatest secular holiday. We will watch a lot of commercials, eat a lot of food and see history made. Unfortunately, today's game involves teams that are unpopular outside their metropolitan areas: The two-time defending champion Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles.

For most football fans this is a disappointment. While the Super Bowl teams have the two greatest offensive players in the NFL (Kansas City's Patrick Mahomes and Philadelphia's Saquon Barkley), most of us were rooting for these teams to lose before the Super Bowl.

However, here we are. Whether you're a big fan or someone who will watch today's game for the commercials and food, I am here to serve you with information to help you navigate the 50% of the time that involves an actual game. Presumably, you want to cheer for someone, so here are 10 reasons to root for (or against) each team.

Philadelphia Eagles

1. Eagles fans are passionate. They sing "Fly Eagles Fly" after touchdowns and victories. They hate the Dallas Cowboys even more than 49ers fans. Eagles fans wear their passion proudly.

2. Barkley is the NFL's most exciting running back, a guy the New York Giants allowed to leave last year. He signed with their rivals and led the NFL in rushing yards.

3. Although they are often mocked, the Eagles remain one of the greatest bands in music history. "Hotel California." "Take it Easy." "Desperado." "Lyin' Eyes." "New Kid in Town."

4. The Chiefs are the luckiest team in the world. Want proof? There will be at least one play today where they get a surprising call from the refs or the Eagles make an inexplicable mistake. A team shouldn't keep winning that way.

5. Mahomes is overexposed. He's on too many commercials, as is his coach, Andy Reid.

6. Kansas City isn't even in Kansas, it's in Missouri, which is dumb.

7. Chiefs fans do that terrible tomahawk chop chant. Whether or not you think it's racist, it's absolutely irritating.

8. Taylor Swift goes to games because her boyfriend is on the Chiefs and the TV people keep showing her in the luxury suite. Who cares?

9. The Chiefs won the past two Super Bowls and three of the past five. They've won enough.

10. If you're a Raiders fan, the Chiefs are your biggest rival. If you're a 49ers fan, the Chiefs beat you twice in the Super Bowl. This is a rare moment where 49ers and Raiders fans can agree.

Kansas City Chiefs

1. Mahomes is the NFL's version of Steph Curry, an incredible playmaker who is a joy to watch. He'll do at least one thing today that you've never seen.

2. While the Chiefs are going for their third straight Super Bowl title and fourth in six years, this franchise had only one title in its first 59 years – yet the fans stayed loyal.

3. Chiefs football is the biggest thing in the western Missouri-Kansas region and beyond. Second place is probably eating big steaks, but it's not close.

4. Eagles fans once famously booed Santa Claus. And they're proud of it! Eagles fans are psychos.

5. The Eagles may have had a lot of famous songs ("Hotel California." "Take it Easy." "Desperado." "Lyin' Eyes." "New Kid in Town."), but they lacked an edge and are the perfect example of the soft-rock 1970s.

6. Philadelphia makes a big deal about the Liberty Bell, the cracked symbol of American independence. In reality, it's a broken bell that's about three feet wide. It's just a little bell!

7. Andy Reid coached in Philadelphia for 14 years and never won a Super Bowl. But now, along with Mahomes, he's winning. Blame Philadelphia.

8. Eagles fans are so obnoxious it's impossible to ignore them. Being an Eagles fan ranks No. 1 on the list of how every fan of the Eagles self-identifies.

9. Carrot Top is an Eagles fan.

10. Taylor Swift is a Chiefs fan! How could you root for anyone else, girl?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Talking turkey: How AI may help us understand animal speech

I don't like artificial intelligence language models.

While they're effective for helping people write emails or memos – particularly those who are uncomfortable writing – they create an opportunity for the rapid spread of misinformation. That's because such programs as ChatGPT and Copilot lack human skepticism, which means they often believe anything that appears on the internet. In that, they're like your aunt.

AI language models also threaten people like me: They will increasingly be used to "report" news and write informative reports. That threatens the value of news gathering, which is vital to an informed citizenry. Great reporters and writers can't be replaced by a computer without some loss of value.

However, there is a valuable potential use for such AI language models with a fascinating – albeit suspicious – purpose: Using AI to understand how animals communicate.

Yes. You may someday use AI to understand what your dog or cat says. You may be able to understand a mouse in your wall or a fly that's buzzing in front of your TV screen.

A company called Earth Species Project has an AI language model called NatureLM that it claims can already identify the species of an animal that's "speaking," determine the animal's approximate age and identify whether it's in distress or playing.

The language model is trained by human language, environmental sounds and other data. Earth Species Project recently announced that it had received nearly $20 million in grant funding. 

According to an article on Axios, researchers already know that birds make different sounds while singing songs (most often "Freebird" or "When Doves Cry") and sounding a warning call. Researchers also say that many species have individual names for one another (most common names among ants: Ant and Bugsy) and some, like prairie dogs, have a system of nouns and adjectives to describe predators ("big ugly squealer" for coyotes).

Today's treat for Daily Republic readers: I came into possession of a bootleg version of NatureLM, recorded animals near me and will share what I heard.

A neighbor's dog, on a walk: "Heya, heya, heya. Wanna play? Wanna play? Heya, heya, heya."

Two wild turkeys, in my neighborhood: "Hey Larry, Hey Larry! Hey! Check me out! I'm gonna fly!"

"Knock it off Scott. Let's go over–

"Hey Lar-ree! Lar-ree! I can fly! I could be a goose!"

"Watch out, Scott. There's a car--"

"Hey Lar-ree! I bet I can fly better than you! And check out my tailfeathers!"

A fly, circling my food while I eat outside: "Bzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

A coyote, between howls: "Hey prairie dogs! Come out and play! Come on out! I'm not a 'big ugly squealer, I'm a owwooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! That wasn't a squeal, that was a owwoooeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

A neighbor's cat, near the window: You pathetic excuse for a living being, you think you'll learn about me by listening to my conversation? Tell my servant to clean out my litter box. Now. It's not gonna clean itself."

The turkeys, again: "Lar-ree! Lar-ree! Do you think the ladies will like me more if I fly?"

"I don't know Scott. I think you should just keep it do–"

"Lar-ree! You're jealous, right? I don't blame you, look at these feathers!"

"Scott, just settle down."

"Hey Lar-ree! Did you hear what the duck said the other day when he bought lipstick?"

"I don't think ducks can speak."

"He said, 'just put it on my bill. Get it?"

After that discussion, I turned off NatureLM, knowing one thing: Turkeys have an underrated sense of humor.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.