Offsides, QB1, nickel defense: Understanding dumb football terms

I'm old enough to remember when I knew what offsides meant in football: Virtually everything.

I don't mean it was that valuable. Back in the day, "offsides" had varied meanings that covered a variety of circumstances. Back then, football penalties had simple descriptions. Now, the officials sound like scientists when they describe a penalty.

America's most popular sport returns this week. We'll have NFL games every Thursday, Sunday and Monday (with some Fridays, Saturdays and even one Wednesday – Christmas! – thrown in) until late January. And we'll hear officials and broadcasters use terms that would confuse a time traveler from the 1970s or 1980s.

Some examples:

• Offsides. When I was a kid (when Red Grange was running wild through defenses before the launch of the NFL), "offsides" was the call if the offensive or defensive player was ever on the wrong side of the line of scrimmage. Now we have a series of different calls that you'll hear an official make:
• Neutral zone infraction. This is when a defensive player lines up in the area paralell to the ball. In other words, offsides.
• Encroachment. This is when a defensive player lunges past the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped. In other words, offsides.
• Unabated to the quarterback. This is when a defensive player gets past the offensive line before the ball is snapped and has a clear shot at the quarterback. In other words, offsides.
• False start. This is the opposite of the three previous examples: This is when the offensive player (usually an offensive lineman, although it can be someone else) starts forward before the ball is snapped. In other words, offsides.
• QB1, QB2. This is the starting quarterback and backup quarterback. I suspect this comes from fantasy football, where people look at their roster with their first and second quarterback. It's not clear why QB1 is a better phrase than "starting quarterback" or QB2 is better than "backup quarterback," but it's also not clear why , the best solution to an electronic device not working is still to unplug it, count to 10 and plug it back in. Somethings are not for us to understand.
• Nickel defense, dime defense. This isn't new, but still confusing. A nickel defense is when a defensive team brings in a fifth defensive back (they usually play four). It's the fifth, so it's a nickel, get it? A dime defense, therefore, should be when they bring in 10 defensive backs, right? But that would leave only one other player, so it's not true. A dime defense is when there's two extra defensive backs . . . or two nickels, which makes it a dime. Hmm.
• Mike, Sam, Will. In the old days (before we said QB1 and QB2), we called the three linebackers in a standard defense the middle linebacker (self-explanatory), strong-side linebacker (lines up on the side that the offense has a tight end, which is the offense's "strong side") and weak-side linebacker (the side without a tight end). Now we use words that start with the letters that begin middle, strongside and weakside. You can figure them out. I'm not sure why they're better than "strong," "weakside" and "middle."
• Hook-and-ladder play. OK, this is a personal choice. People call it a "hook-and-ladder" play when a wide receiver runs a button-hook pattern (runs out and quickly turns around, like a button hook), catches the pass and then laterals the ball to another player. If you read that, you should see the problem: It's a hook-and-lateral play, not a hook-and-ladder. There is no ladder on this play, there is a lateral. 

The takeaway: Feel free to correct your friends the next time they say "hook and ladder." It will bring joy to someone who still wants the refs to say "offsides" for when someone is offsides.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.