The great sports debate: Are competitive eaters really athletes?

The Fourth of July won't be the same this year.

Sure, there will be fireworks and hot dogs and the downtown Fairfield parade and people wearing red, white and blue.

But when ESPN shows the Nathan's Hot Dog Contest Thursday morning, it will be missing the Michael Jordan of eating contests: Former Vallejo resident Joey Chestnut.

Chestnut, who has won the event eight straight years, was deemed ineligible to compete in the contest because he's now sponsored by a competing brand that offers hot dogs that are (gasp!) plant-based. So Chestnut will set it out and will instead compete against Takeru Kobayashi, the Babe Ruth of eating contests, in a Labor Day competition shown on Netflix.

That will be a spectacle, but it's a shame when two great athletes can't . . . 

Hold on.

Wait a second.

That's as far as this can go because calling someone an "athlete" because they can eat a lot of hot dogs is ridiculous. Of course, they're not athletes, unless we're going to similarly say athletes include jugglers and tap dancers and . .. I don't know, people who eat a 64-ounce steak and thus get it free.

Competitive eaters are not athletes and to take an old-school view, many of the people who now get called "athletes" aren't really. They're performers, not athletes.

Being an athlete means doing a sport. A sport involves athletes competing.

Do you think that's a bad definition? You're right because I don't have a great definition. My definition is similar to that of Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who famously said of obscenity in 1964, "I know it when I see it." Same thing for sports and non-sports.

So here's a cheat sheet for future reference on what is a sport and what isn't.

Is competitive eating a sport? No, it's a sideshow. Is chess a sport? No, it's a board game. Is cheerleading a sport? Yes, when there are judges and scoring, but not when it's on the sidelines encouraging fans to cheer for players in another sport. 

Is poker a sport? Absolutely not, it's a card game. Is auto racing a sport? Yes. Is fishing a sport? Um . . . I guess so. Come back to me later on this, but let's say yes. What about video gaming? Absolutely, completely, 100% not. It's a game. It's not a sport, even if you're doing a video game of a real sport.

Here's the thing: Everyone doesn't have to be an "athlete."

You can be great at video games and be a great gamer. Isn't that enough? Isn't being great at chess enough without acting like you're an athlete? You can be great at poker and probably win money (and then lie and act like you've won more than you actually have. But with a poker face, who can tell?) and isn't that enough?

Joey Chestnut is the greatest competitive eater ever. People know his name. He's wealthy. He has a sponsor. He's part of a streaming event on Netflix.

He's not an athlete. He's an eater.

However, one final tip: Chestnut will beat Kobiyashi on Memorial Day. Because he's from Solano County, home of champions.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.