Getting older is tough, but nobody told us about these parts

I knew aging would be hard, because I always heard old people talking about it.

"Getting old isn't for wimps," they'd say, as they complained about something that seemed wimpy.

Older people groaned when they stood. They walked slower. They couldn't hear things as well. They would say (always laughing, as if they invented the line), "If I'd known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself." Hah hah hah.

That wasn't going to happen to me. I would take care of myself when I was young. Also, I knew what to expect, so I wouldn't be surprised.

I was ready for my hearing to get worse.

I was ready for gray hair (although not in my 30s, when it started).

I was prepared to need more naps and for arthritis to hurt my hands.

But nobody told me about the most obvious signs of getting older.

As a public service for those of you who consider yourself young, here are three surprising things about getting older.

• Your legs get stiff quickly. When I was young, I could drive three or four hours, get out, stretch my legs for a few minutes and feel fine. Now? I drive 45 minutes (45 minutes!) and when I get out of my car, it feels like I've been behind the wheel for 12 nonstop hours. My legs feel tight. What the heck? I exercise regularly. My legs are fine. Nobody told me this.
• Handrails are extremely valuable. While I haven't fallen (or even come close) while descending stairs, going down them is way more jarring than it used to be. I need at least a flight of stairs before I have any bounce in my legs, so where did the muscle (or ligaments or tendons or whatever gives you bounce) go? Sometimes it feels like I'm descending stairs on stilts. Handrails are suddenly important and I am always ready to grab them. Nobody told me this.
• Toilet breaks are part of every decision. This is the most consistent factor in my daily life: If I'm going to drive across town, maybe I should go to the bathroom first. I'm going to take a nap? Let me make a quick trip to the bathroom. Going for a short walk? I'll visit the bathroom first. Time to eat? Maybe I'll visit the bathroom first. Planning to watch an hour-long TV show? Hold on, let me go to the bathroom. Need to walk across the room? Well, as long as I'm up, let me hit the bathroom. Nobody told me this.

There are plenty of other things about aging. It's harder to read small print. Characters on TV mumble too much. If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

Hah hah hah.

There are more aging tips, but let me visit the bathroom first.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.