Extraction of groundwater is harming Earth . . . and dart-throwing

If it feels like you're more likely to stumble now than a few decades ago, there's a reason: The Earth's tilt is shifting.

Really.

The reason? We're sucking out so much groundwater that the globe is leaning to the east at a rate of about 1.7 inches per year. Talk about East Coast bias!

According to a study published in the journal Geophysical Research Letters in mid-June, our constant extraction of groundwater has shifted the axis on which Earth rotates. So when you miscalculate while stepping off the curb and stumble, it's not your fault. It's the fault of water hogs. They're really pumping it out!

A CNN report on the study included this: "Between 1993 and 2010, the period examined in the study, humans extracted more than 2,150 gigatons of groundwater from inside Earth, mostly in western North America and northwestern India, according to estimates published in 2010."

I suspect the term "gigaton" is made up, but that seems like a lot. And it's . . . wait, what? "Mostly in western North America?" That's, that's, that's . . . that's us!

We're in western North America! We're making the Earth tilt!

Of course, you might be able to explain the tilt otherwise. The Earth spins on its north-south axis at about 1,000 mph, which explains why your ears sometimes pop and you get carsick while sitting on a couch (or are both those just me?). Plenty of things can affect the rotation of the Earth: Changes in glaciers, changes in air pressure, changes in attitude, changes in latitude, as Jimmy Buffet fans can attest.

However, this one seems significant and tough to change, since it's not like humans are extracting water from the top layer of the Earth's crust for giggles. We need water for food, we need water to survive. Can you imagine making Ramen, for instance, without water? Or making coffee without water? I'm sure there are other uses of water, but I can't think of any off the top of my head.

Oh yeah – imagine a world where you can't make Tang. Nightmarish.

According to the study, this has been going on for a while. Redistributing groundwater has shifted the rotational axis by more than 31 inches in less than 20 years, according to models created by the study's authors. Thirty-one inches! No wonder it's harder to shoot a basketball now than it was in the 1990s: The hoop has moved nearly three feet. No wonder we're so terrible at darts now: The board is 31 inches to the east! (the science behind my claims has not been verified by independent sources).

There are important long-term effects of changing the angle of the Earth, such as changes from season to season (for instance, how we experience summer). And the aforementioned dart throwing.

Since we're taking too much water out of the Earth, I propose simple solution: We just pump more back in.

Seriously. Let's all turn on our sprinklers and let the water soak into the Earth. We can return things to their natural state and improve our dart-throwing and basketball-shooting at the same time.

Where will we get this water? Simple: Just turn on the sprinklers. We can save the future of Ramen, Tang, dart-throwing and return the Earth to its normal axis.

You're welcome, Earth.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.