Russian dream to clone Scythian warriors is terrifying, absurd

For those of us who grew up during the Cold War, this is par for the course for the "Evil Empire": A Russian plot to abuse science in an effort to control the world.

Really.

The background: During a recent session of the Russian Geographical Society (which probably doesn't have a cool magazine like our National Geographic Society), Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu suggested using the DNA of 3,000-year-old Scythian warriors to create new people.

Read that again.

Sounds like a James Bond movie, right?

It might just be crazy enough to work. Or at least get a chance to work, since Shoigu is a close ally of Russian President Vladimir Putin and as you know, Russia is a Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad world.

Can you imagine if this works? Our finest military personnel might have to fight soldiers who were created with the DNA of warriors who lived 1,000 years before the time of Christ.

Seems scary.

It also seems like an insane idea for someone who is the defense minister for one of the world's military powers.

Here's what I know about the DNA donors, based on extensive research (Google): The Scythians were nomads who traveled Europe and Asia for about 700 years, building an empire that lasted for several centuries before fading out. Kind of an national version of the Rolling Stones.

Fast forward to about 20 years ago, when archeologists discovered the remains of Scythian soldiers in a burial mound in Siberia. It's almost always frozen there, so the DNA was preserved, like a popsicle in the back of your freezer.

Here's what Shoigu said to the people at the Russian Geographical Society: "Of course, we would like very much to find the organic matter and I believe you understand what would follow that. It would be possible to make something of it, if not Dolly the Sheep. In general, it will be very interesting.”

What? (First, literally "what?" Did the quote get run through a translating app, which made it seem so stilted? Secondly, figuratively "what?" What he's saying is insane.)

Shoigu is suggesting cloning. He's wants to bring back warriors who lived thousands of years ago, presumably to form an army. To conquer the world, if my childhood cartoons are accurate.

There are, of course, some significant problems with Shoigu's plan.

First of all, would it even work? Scientists cloned Dolly the sheep in 1996 after many attempts. There's probably been subsequent cloning since (can someone confirm?), but cloning a human from preserved DNA is another issue.

Secondly, even if Russian scientists could pull that off, they wouldn't create adult warriors. The cloned Scythians would arrive as babies. They would be raised by modern parents (or perhaps, if movies are any indication, by some evil/kind benefactor). It would take two decades before they could be soldiers, 20 years during which they would probably become fascinated by video games, music, pop culture and fast food.

It's hard to imagine all the potential issues they'd face. Would nature win out? Nurture?

The third big issue is that Shoigu thinks 3,000-year-old warriors would be a huge asset, despite the fact that Scythian military success was based on equestrian skills and crossbows.

OK, I feel better now. The crazy Russians may try to recreate an ancient group of warriors, but I'll take my chances with the American military against a bunch of cloned Russians who ride horses and shoot arrows.

And play video games. Right?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.