Seven secrets to writing a column

When I speak to young people about writing columns, I generally tell them the No. 1 secret: Don't be afraid to use a made-up story as your opening paragraph. Readers don't know it's not true.

For instance: Pretend that "young people" care enough about what you do to ask about it, let alone want to know your "secrets."

Bingo bango.

Which is the No. 2 secret to writing a column: Have a catch phrase.

All great columnists have them. Herb Caen called San Francisco "Baghdad by the Bay." Tony Wade always writes, "me like Raiders very much." I'm sure Mike Royko, Jimmy Breslin and Maureen Dowd had catch phrases, even though I don't know what they were. Catch phrases are crucial to keeping your readers connected.

Bingo bango!

I've been writing columns for the Daily Republic since 1986. Seriously. To make it clear how long ago that was, 1986 was closer to Korean War than it is to today. More practically, it was so long ago that the Dodgers have won a World Series title since then! (Column secret 3: have ongoing inside jokes in which you insult rival sports franchises.) During that time, I moved from the young, idealistic sports writer to the sarcastic sports editor to the ridiculous "humor" writer to the old man who writes about column tricks.

That's column secret No. 4: Have self-references within a column. Allow your column to be self-aware and make jokes that readers think they get because they're insiders. If you don't believe me, bingo bango! Get it?

Secret No. 4 is a little more sensitive: Be fully aware of controversies before you wade in with a dumb joke. Unfortunately, that's something I've done a few times – and then blamed editors for not warning me.

For instance, there was the time when the local high school band (Editor's note: Rest of sentence deleted) and the time when the Malaysian Airlines plane (Editor's note: Rest of sentence deleted). Boy! Lesson learned. Especially when I discovered that readers weren't amused when I compared Gilligan's Island to (Editor's note: Rest of sentence deleted).

Which is secret No. 5: Use ancient pop-culture references, which allow readers to either laugh along with you or feel sorry for you. The winning side of that is the ability to look down on young people for not getting your jokes. Sure, they can make Tik-Tok videos, but they don't get Gilligan's Island references!

But perhaps the best lesson – one I've taken to my non-newspaper jobs, so it holds up outside of traditional journalism – is how to end a column.

A former boss used to occasionally call me over to help her finish her columns, because she knew it was perhaps my only area of expertise. I never told her the secret (which is No. 6: Protect your job by keeping secrets from your boss), but it was simple: Just rewrite the first sentence in a different way. Readers will think you've gone completed the circle, even if you haven't.

So that's the seventh secret: Circle back.

Which is what I always tell young people who ask me about my column.

Bingo bango!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.