Baseball legend's potential return gives hope to my generation

In what could only be good news for men born before 1970, Rafael Palmeiro says he's considering a comeback to major league baseball.

Palmeiro is 53. He was born in 1964.

All men in their 50s and older are ready to give him a standing ovation. Assuming we can get out of our easy chairs to do so.

Ahh, never mind. Can you pass us the chips?

For the uninitiated, Palmeiro should be a legendary player, one of five men in history to record 500 homers and 3,000 hits in his career. But his career ended ignominiously when he was suspended in 2005 after testing positive for steroids – just a few months after he told a congressional panel (while shaking his finger at them!) that he'd never used steroids.

Ooops!

Now he's talking about a comeback. Of epic proportions.

"I want to prove to myself I can do it on a high level," Palmeiro told a reporter, "then walk away feeling good about the whole body of work."

While walking away, he'll stop and catch his breath, put on a sweater to keep out the chill, then begin muttering about kids and their fancy mobile phones and hip-hop music.

Because he's old.

Baltimore Orioles general manager Dan Duquette (born in 1958) didn't rule out the possibility of Palmeiro's comeback.

"It would be an interesting story," Duquette said. "It's like tying your shoes . . . If you can hit, then you can hit."

Easy to say if you don't grunt when you tie your shoes and calculate when it will be acceptable to wear shoes with Velcro straps.

Still . . . there are interesting issues to consider when thinking about a 53-year-old man playing major league baseball.

Considering that there were only three active players last year born before 1975 (the oldest, Bartolo Colon, was born in 1973), Palmeiro would be a walking, talking, finger-pointing commercial for those who claim that "50 is the new 30."

(Incidentally, those same people often claim that 300 pounds is the new 200 pounds. In other words, they believe a lie.)

Imagine a baby boomer big league baseball player, a man who played his first major league game when Ronald Reagan was president and the Soviet Union was five years from ending. Imagine the joy among aging men all over the nation.

But based on personal experience, I suspect a 53-year-old Palmeiro would need some specific clauses in his contract, such as:

• A provision allowing him to opt out of games once it's 9 p.m. Sure, when we were younger, it was nothing to stay up late. But once you hit a certain age, the idea that you used to routinely see midnight is mind-blowing. Frankly, the idea that I used to see 10 p.m. is kind of mind-blowing.
• None of that noisy modern music in the clubhouse. If you want something upbeat, try the Bee Gees or maybe even Lynyrd Skynyrd. How about the Eagles?
• More fiber in the post-game and pregame meals.
• More bathroom breaks during games.
• A waiver for Palmeiro in case he tests positive for Geritol. (Side note: I tried that gag on a 20-something co-worker, who had never heard of Geritol. Kids these days!)
• More dramatic signs from the third-base coach. And the ability to use bifocals while playing.
• Approval to wear a sweater during cool games. And would it hurt them to add a heater or air conditioner near Palmeiro in the dugout?

Palmeiro's return would be epic. It would give my generation another reason to believe we can do anything.

The return of Palmeiro would be . . . umm . . . oh, never mind. I can't remember what I was saying. Can you remember where I put my sweater?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.