New elements spread scientific knowledge, fear

I'm no scientist, although I played one in the 1966 horror movie "Mothra's Excellent Adventure." In fact, my science knowledge stops at the freezing temperature for water (cold) and what's in table salt (salt).

But news that scientists added have items to the periodic chart was an eye-opener for me.

The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) last winter approved the name and symbols of four elements – elements 113, 115, 117 and 118. They are called, in order, Nihonium, Moscovium, Tennessine and Oganesson.

According to an announcement by IUPAC, the newly discovered elements were named after a location or a scientist, following the early naming convention that honored Frank Oxygen and Harriet Nitrogen, both whom lived in the Hydrogen neighborhood of Baltimore.

I wouldn't give a nickel for that gag. Get it? Nickel is an element!

I just hope that the person who came up with Oganesson, which is abbreviated as Og, now calls himself "the Wizard of Og." Seriously.

But let's commemorate the use of the word Tennessine, which I have always used as the past tense for the word Tennessee. Now I know differently.

The periodic chart is interesting, although I missed most of the instruction about it during high school science due to the fact that I was surreptitiously listening to the Giants on a transistor radio. But I was apparently misinformed: I thought that like the number of planets in the solar system (eight after Pluto's unfair demotion), faces on Mount Rushmore (four), members of the pop group Hanson (three) and turtle doves (two), the number of elements on the periodic table was settled.

Apparently not. It never was.

Sneaky scientists have been adding to the chart since it was introduced in 1869 – bringing criticism that they're just doing it to force amateur chemists to keep buying new charts, like those pesky college textbook authors.

The four new elements last winter were the first to be added to the table since Flevorium and Livermorium were accepted in June 2011.

Livermorium! It's from Livermore . . . and it also gives cachet to my plan to buy a crematorium in Livermore and name it "The Livermorium." Cool, right?

That the periodic table of the elements continues to expand should be seen as good news. Knowledge keeps expanding. People keep discovering new things. The borders of science keep growing.

Except . . .

The first 94 elements exist naturally and the subsequent 24 have been synthesized in labs or nuclear reactors.

There's no reason to fear.

I'm sure scientists creating new elements in a lab or a nuclear reactor is purely harmless. The fact that every time that's happened in a movie has led to disaster shouldn't make us fear. Right?

Right?

I guess we'll just have to trust the scientists. And hope that nothing goes wrong with the new, synthesized elements.

If it goes bad, I guess we should have Tennessine it coming, right?

Dumb puns are a key element in jokes. Get it? Element?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.