No reason to fear bubonic plague, except . . .

Relax. Breathe deeply. There's no reason to panic.

Everybody knows that the bubonic plague wiped out roughly one-third of the population of Europe in the Middle Ages, but that was hundreds of years ago.

Right? Right?

So there's no reason to panic after we heard recently that fleas tested positive for the bubonic plague in Arizona because . . .

Wait.

What?

The bubonic plague in Arizona?

THE BUBONIC PLAGUE WAS FOUND IN ARIZONA!

OK. Calm down.

There's no real reason to panic, they say. People rarely die from bubonic plague, they say.

But further investigation into this news reveals how officials discovered the disease: Prairie dogs began dropping dead.

Prairie dogs! Dead! Immediately! The cute little prairie dogs keeled over, dead.

From the bubonic plague.

In Arizona!

But it was OK. Officials reacted swiftly: Residents were warned to "take precautions to reduce the risk of exposure to serious disease, which can be present in fleas, rodents, rabbits and predators that feed upon these animals," according to a statement from the Navajo County Health Department.

Seems simple enough. Just don't allow fleas, rodents or anything that comes into contact with them to get near you.

In other words, live in a bubble, like the character John Travolta played in that awesome 1970s TV movie.

Common sense suggests it's likely that the bubonic plague won't affect people . . . except three people in New Mexico tested positive for the disease in June.

In June!

In case you're worried, here are the symptoms: A sudden onset of fever, headache, chills, weakness and tender lymph nodes.

I would write more, but I got the chills and a slight headache while writing that last sentence.

Oh. Em. Gee.

There is no reason to panic.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about seven cases of the plague are reported each year in the United States, an "average" belied by the fact that there were four cases in 2012, four in 2013, 10 in 2014 and 16 in 2015 . . . which means the bubonic plague is on pace to wipe us all out by about 2100. Or faster.

The World Health Organization says there are roughly 300 cases a year on Earth, which is what that organization would have said in 1346 had it existed. Ditto my ancestor Percival Stanhope, one of the leading fishmongers in his village. Just a few years later, 75 million people were dead from the black death, including most of Percival's clients.

That 1347 outbreak resulted in not only mass death, but a breakdown in social order. It was seen as God's judgment against a sinful world. Jews and other minorities became scapegoats and thousands were burned alive in retaliation.

A major health disaster that leads to the basic breakdown of society? That seems dangerously close, even without a "black death" event.

But there's no reason to panic. My research revealed that the last urban outbreak was in 1924 in Los Angeles and most human infections occur "in the southwest and near California, southern Oregon and western Nevada," which is nice because . . . wait . . .

If you drew lines from western Nevada and southern Oregon, they would intersect right about . . . HERE.

WHAT?

I just got a headache and weakness.