Talking to dogs shows that you're smart

Maybe our dogs should tell us to "speak!"

At least that's the best practice based on a report by Nicholas Epley, a behavioral science professor at the University of Chicago.

Epley says that when we speak to our pets, we anthropomorphise them – assign them human characteristics. Is it silly to do so? Maybe to your overly serious brother-in-law or to the neighbor who overhears you singing to your dog.

Not to Epley.

The professor says that doing so is a sign of what makes humans smart. He says talking to our pets is "a natural byproduct of the tendency that makes humans uniquely smart on this planet."

Of course, it's a human saying humans are uniquely smart, so consider that. Maybe a lizard is currently telling other lizards that baking in the sun is evidence of why lizards are uniquely smart.

But you know who thinks Epley's report is good news? Brandy, our 9-year-old weimaraner.

She implicitly trusts me. She also gets the same instructions from me every day when I leave: "OK, you're in charge now. Be a good girl today and I'll see you when I get home."

Imagine Brandy's disappointment if that showed I was crazy. Imagine her joy if she knew it showed I was smart! She might run in circles!

She might dart frantically around our yard.

Epley told digital publication Quartz that speaking to animals is "treated as a sign of childishness or stupidity, but it's actually a natural byproduct of the tendency that makes humans uniquely smart on this planet."

Yes, I used the quote about being uniquely smart on this planet twice. Because it makes me feel better. And it's almost as smart as talking to dogs.

Epley's view goes beyond pets. He says giving names to plants, cars and even cameras is smart. He says attributing human characteristics to nonhuman things (cats are sassy, the stock market is bullish, our car is stubborn) is a mark of our superior intelligence.

In other words, when I shout at my phone to stop bugging me, I'm being smart. When I call my toothbrush "Stretch," I'm showing unique brilliance. When I'm convinced that my pillow is part of a massive global conspiracy to suffocate me while I sleep, I'm exhibiting advanced thinking.

So despite what other people may think–and, frankly, what my judgmental coffee cup and my selfish shampoo might think–it's not weird to assign human characteristics to nonhuman things.

Brandy and I were talking about that the other day, although I was doing most of the talking. She showed dogged determination to understand me (See? It often makes sense, even if you're a skeptic!) as I explained why I don't fully trust the lawnmower because it seems to be more difficult to start when I'm in a hurry. Typical lawnmower, right?

Brandy didn't argue, like humans would. She didn't even speak. I presume she understood and I take comfort in the report by Epley.

When I talked with Brandy, she got to engage with a human being (the uniquely smart being on the planet) and I got to show how smart I was.

And she's an outstanding listener, too.

Unlike my microwave, Larry.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.