As such, and as someone who has written literally thousands of columns (many with references to Jerry Lewis), it seems like this might be a good time to use the column not only to educate, but to inform, by answering questions.
In the tradition of great websites, I dedicate today to answering frequently asked questions.
Yes!
In the words of 20th century prophet Jack Webb (Google him. He's marvelous), it's time for just the FAQs, ma'am (which is funnier if you pronounce it like a word, of course).
Here are answers to frequently asked questions:
Where do you get column ideas?
Everywhere. I read the newspaper every day. I look at Facebook. I have discussions with co-workers where I get (steal) ideas for columns (such as this one). I sneak a peek at Tony Wade's Monday column if he files it early. The world is a machine that manufactures column ideas. Don't believe me? This idea came from my co-worker, Jeff. Blame him.
Is that an olive on your tooth?
Oh. Maybe.
Do people recognize you in public?
I'd like to be more humble, but the frank answer is yes. In fact, nearly every time I write a check at the grocery store, the checker looks at it and says, "Thank you, Mr. Stanhope." It's nice to have fans.
Are you and Tony Wade really enemies?
Tony, to the uninitiated, is the second-most popular humor columnist at the Daily Republic and frequently takes cheap shots at me, although the writing is so bad that it's often hard to tell. While we are longtime rivals, to call us enemies is not accurate – and would break our agreement in the case Stanhope vs. Wade, in which the Supreme Court ruled that my stance that Dick Sargant was the superior Darren on "Bewitched," was correct.
Who is the man that would risk his life for his brother man?
Shaft. Although it should be "who," not "that."
Are you always such a stickler for grammar details?
Yes. But it is "grammatical" details.
Is your head the same size as that picture in the newspaper?
No. My head is probably one-third the size of that picture.
Do you really wear those old glasses in that photo?
No. I am blind now and wear the cool Stevie Wonder glasses. Hah hah hah. Just kidding. Isn't that funny? Nothing beats making a joke about someone's disability!
Is the above question really "frequently asked"?
That's a FAQ, Jack!
Have you written any columns you regret?
Well, I shouldn't have joked about that Malaysian Airliner that disappeared a few years ago. Although it did seem funny at the time. Kind of like that Stevie Wonder joke in the earlier question.
How can you possibly still use a Hotmail address for your email?
Because bradstanhope@compuserve.com doesn't work.
Has an editor ever cut one of your columns because of something you wrote?
If one did, it would only be because most newspaper editors are total id . . . .
Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.
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