I hate loud noises, explosions . . . and cats

Editor's note: Brad Stanhope is on vacation. Sitting in this week is his dog, Brandy, an 8-year-old Weimaraner.

Hey, everybody. How's it going? It's been a little rough for me. More like ruff, right?

Hahaha howwwwwwwwl.

Anyhoo, the last few nights have been difficult. I mean it's always a little tough at night because the cats wander around and I see shadows through the sliding glass door that may be cats.

I hate cats. Because they're dumb.

Did you hear about the cat who was asked whether he liked his can of food cut into six or 12 chunks? He said, "Six. I couldn't eat 12." Hahaha howwwwl.

That's a great one. Cats are dumb. My neighbor Scruff told me that through the fence. Then we started fence wrestling, which really angers She Who Pets Me.

But Scruff is hilarious. He tells me new ones every day. Or the same ones. My memory isn't that great.

Anyhoo, back to the roughness.

Am I the only one who notices that there are a lot of loud noises at night this time of year? And by this time of year, I mean . . . I don't know. I can't really keep track of time.

I'm like the cat who knocked an alarm clock off the shelf, because he wanted to see time fly!

Haha.

What's an alarm clock? Scruff said that was funny, so it probably is. But I don't know.

Anyhoo, the loud noises and bright lights in the sky drive me crazy this time of year. Boom! Bang! Rat-a-tat! Sparkle!

I don't know what's going on, but I can't stop from howling, which makes He Who Feeds Me and She Who Pets Me both yell.

It's a weird time. The other day, I chased this cat up the tree, then Scruff told me the cat was so dumb that he climbed the tree because he thought it would raise his IQ.

Hahaha howwwwwwl.

What's IQ?

But back to the loud noises and sounds . . . wait a second . . . there's somebody up front . . . HEY YOU GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY! GET AWAY! GET AWAY! . . . umm . . . never mind. It was the neighbor. I thought it was a mailman.

Anyway, did you hear about the dumb cat? By that, I mean all cats? Anyhoo, this cat thought Meow Mix was a cassette tape with songs.

Haha hoooowwwwwl!

Get it? I don't. What's a cassette tape? Whatever it is, I bet it's funny!

But here's what's not funny: The loud noises and explosions in the air. He Who Feeds Me and She Who Pets Me both say it will be over soon, but I don't believe them. They also told me to ignore Scruff at the fence, but if I'd done that, I wouldn't know all those cat jokes.

Like that one cat who took a blood test and failed.

Get it? I don't.

But . . . let me go roll in the grass, because my back itches. Grrrrr . . . grrrrrr.

Oh. Much better. Let me stretch out and yawn. There, that's nice. That's sooooo nice.

Ahhhhh.

What was that? Did you hear that? Sounds like barking!

Hoooowwwwwwwl! Hooooowwwwl!

I'm going to patrol the fence area, to make sure everything is where it should be. Come along.

Which reminds me, did you hear about the cat who thought Snoop Dogg was a real dog?

Hahaha.

What is Snoop Dogg? Not a dog, apparently.

Anyhoo, I hate the loud noises. They're almost as bad as cats, who are so dumb, they paint garbage cans brown and orange so they can pretend they're eating at A&W. Hahahaha.

I don't know my colors.

I don't know what A&W is.

I like to eat garbage.

But I bet that's funny.

Brandy Stanhope is the longtime pet of Brad Stanhope. Reach her at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.