5-minute guide to political conventions

If you're like me, you're having a hard time sleeping. It's like opening day of baseball season, Black Friday, the day the new season of "Game of Thrones" starts and the day a new iPhone comes out, all rolled into one.

The political conventions start this week!

Republicans gather Monday in Cleveland, which should be (but isn't) named after Grover Cleveland, a Democrat who was our 22nd and 24th president. That's right, the Republicans are meeting in a city we associate with a Democrat.

A week later, the Democrats gather in Philadelphia, which should be (but isn't) named after Phil Mickelson, a conservative Republican golfer (is there any other kind?). That's right, the Democrats are meeting in a city that we associate with a Republican.

With the quadrennial (look it up!) pomp and circumstance, many of us have a hard time understanding what's happening. So following is a five-minute guide (depending on reading speed) to the conventions, with facts and tips:

All delegates aren't created equal. Delegates, of course, cast the votes to determine who gets to represent their party. Most are pledged to vote for certain people and most are there for the parties. But there are some special delegates, called super delegates. They have super powers, such as the ability to run through walls, stay awake during boring speeches and drink unreasonable amounts of alcohol.

Watch the roll-call vote. This is merely a formality, but it gives the state delegation leaders a chance to pimp for their state on national TV. You learn all kind of things about states as the leaders say things like, "The great state of Mississippi, which ranks 50th in education, health care, life span and drug use – but only 47th in drunken driving arrests – casts 41 proud votes for the next president of the United States, Donald Trump!" Or, "Colorado, the first state in the nation to legalize marijuana for recreational use, casts 33 votes for the next president of the United States, Hillary . . . umm . . . umm . . . are those nachos? . . . "

Lunatics make a scene. The branch of each political party (that favors mandatory gun ownership or thinks we should provide free health care to pets), gets to make a scene. Sometimes they get a speaker, but more often they create some sort of "spontaneous" demonstration that makes a home viewer wonder if it's really happening while the "normal" delegates ignore it.

Straw hats. You will almost assuredly see some. Enjoy it. You won't see them again until the 2020 conventions.

False drama. There is almost always some question about who will be the vice presidential nominee or whether there is a backroom deal – this year, that will be particularly heightened during the Republican convention, due to Trumpmania. It is always like sports rumors at the trading deadline: All smoke, no fire. It's highly unlikely Chuck Norris will be the last-minute Republican vice president replacement for Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, or that Hillary Clinton will offer to be co-presidents with Michelle Obama. But it will be rumored.

End of civility. If you like politics, enjoy the final weeks before we descend into more than four months of accusations, name-calling and mud-slinging. You think it's been ugly so far? That's nothing.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.