Tips from a scarred Mother's Day veteran

It's Mother's Day, which is time for two reminders:

1. Mother's Day is important.

2. All greetings aren't equal. You don't get credit for simply remembering.

Trust me. I know. Or ask Mrs. Brad. She knows.

It goes back to a Mother's Day many years ago, right after our first son was born. We'd gone through a few years of infertility, with all that encompasses – particularly for women.

I figured "something" would happen sometime, but I was also ready to accept a childless life. I was also preoccupied with whether the Giants could contend, whether the 49ers would keep winning and when M.C. Hammer would become bigger than Elvis.

Mother's Day was especially painful for Mrs. Brad. The annual reminders that she wasn't a mom yet, combined with what felt like condescension from those who realized it (". . . oh, this is a day for you, too!") made her want to avoid Mother's Day at all costs.

The year before our son was born, I scored big time. We had a fish tank with several small fish, so on Mother's Day, I gave her a card, "signed" by all the fish – each with different handwriting. It was clever. She liked it.

I won.

Then we decided to adopt and our son was born in November. We went through all the tension and excitement of having kids, along with the extra drama of adoption. When that first Mother's Day came, I figured I was on a winning streak.

Remember the fish card? I could do even better!

At the grocery store a few days before Mother's Day, I perused the cards. There were cute ones, old-fashioned ones, Bible verses, corny ones "to my wife." I looked around and saw . . .

Cards in Spanish!

This would be hilarious! I would get Mrs. Brad a card in Spanish for her first Mother's Day! She doesn't speak nor read Spanish, so this would be even better than the fish card! Hilarious!

Of course it was a bad idea, but it didn't seem so at the time. Many bad ideas don't seem so at the time.

Me writing a column about the possible outcomes of that Malaysian airliner that disappeared a few years ago didn't seem like a bad idea.

My late-1980s mullet didn't seem like a bad idea.

I'm sure investing in a time share doesn't seem like a bad idea.

And that Spanish card for Mrs. Brad's first Mother's Day didn't seem like a bad idea.

The big day arrived and I placed the card in the crib next to our son. Mrs. Brad saw it, her face lit up and she opened the card.

Then she read it. And cried. I had taken a landmark day in her life and made it into a stupid gag by giving her a card that she couldn't read.

There's no way to really recover from that. You apologize, admit your failure and don't repeat it.

I didn't repeat it.

I've had many Mother's Days since then. Mrs. Brad still doesn't like the holiday and I know not to make it worse with a dumb gag. (To be clear: I still go for the dumb gags, just not on Mother's Day.)

So there's your lesson on Mother's Day, 2016. Remember the holiday, but don't go for a cheap laugh when it's really important to the recipient.

It's no bueño.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.