How watching TV prepared me for life

As a child, I was often told watching TV was a waste of time. It was the "idiot box." My dad said that our eyes would become rectangles if we watched too much, something a little scary when you're 5 or 6 and watching "The Merv Griffin Show" after school.

Adults told me that you don't learn anything from TV.

Oh yeah? I beg to differ. I can make the case that TV shaped my life. Sitcoms like "Happy Days," "Sanford and Son," "Bewitched" and "Hogan's Heroes" taught me about conflict resolution. I learned how to be a man by watching "Rockford Files" and I learned how to gamble by watching "Let's Make a Deal."

Decades later, I still profit. The lessons I learned watching TV have guided me through life, as reliable as the applause that greeted Fonzie when he walked into a scene and say "ayyyyyyyyyyy."

Don't believe me? Check out these lessons:

Double-takes work. The correct way to express surprise is the double-take. Probably the best at this was Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show" – he mastered the google-eyed double-take anytime something weird happened. I still use that when someone catches me off guard. Sometimes, I go triple-take. Hilarious.

Problems generally solve themselves in less than an hour. No matter the problem, television difficulties got settled in one episode. The same thing is true in life. Most of my life issues have concluded in time for the final commercial break – except for a few times when a day ends with ". . . to be continued."

Most things are special. From the time I saw my first "ABC Afterschool Special," I was aware that in life and on TV, there are times that you encounter unusual circumstances to the point that it become "special." That's why, for instance, I said recently, "Today, on a very special 'Brad,' the lawn gets mowed," and Mrs. Brad wasn't bothered. She'd seen specials, such as the very special episode when I got sick and the episode when I got in a car wreck. The last one included a special guest star, our insurance agent.

Catch phrases are key. We all need catch phrases, something I learned from Jimmy Walker, Henry Winkler, Redd Foxx and even Jackie Gleason. I spent much of my life developing catch phrases. They change now from time to time, but my current catch phrase is "Brad says that won't work," followed by a glance at the "camera" (or whomever is near), with my eyebrows raised. Always gets a laugh.

Be suspicious of new people. On pretty much every show, the special guest star brought problems (see the mention of the special episode with the insurance agent, earlier). Because of that, I don't warm up to people much. I figure anyone who isn't a regular "cast member" of my life probably is just there to create tension for the "episode" that I'm living.

Foreign languages are easy. German isn't a different language, it's just English with a harsh accent. On "Hogan's Heroes," the characters  spoke harsh, German-accented English and the German people understood them. Same with French and Italian. Foreign languages are really just accented English.

Spinoffs are OK. Sure, my kids will move out and start their own lives. That's fine – it's like "Laverne and Shirley" or "Maude" or "Rhoda." It's not the end of anything, it's a spinoff and I'm glad I could help launch their "shows." But I still get the 8 p.m. time slot.

I am still "Dragnet" to their "Adam-12."

Could it go differently? Brad says that won't work. DOUBLE-TAKE!

Brad Stanhope is the star of "The Brad Stanhope Show." Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.