Don't panic, but the Black Death may be returning

Don't panic. Don't go crazy. Don't do anything dangerous.

I'm sure the health officials are keeping things quiet for a good reason. I'm sure there's no reason to get anxious.

BUT A GIRL IN OREGON HAS THE PLAGUE!

Pardon me while I get a paper bag into which I can breathe to prevent hyperventilation.

The plague.

In a neighboring state.

Specifically, Bend, Oregon, where my in-laws live and Mrs. Brad and I occasionally visit.

SHE HAS THE PLAGUE. Seriously.

According to news accounts on Halloween (HALLOWEEN!), the teenage girl went into the hospital after she apparently contracted the plague from an infected flea. . .

A GIRL.

HAS.

THE.

PLAGUE.

. . . while on a hunting trip. She appeared to be recovering, so things seem OK.

I felt good after reading that. Until the reporter casually mentioned that it was the 15TH CASE OF THE BUBONIC PLAGUE IN THE UNITED STATES THIS YEAR.

FOUR PEOPLE HAVE DIED.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

This is the PLAGUE. This isn't the flu or a common cold. It's the bubonic plague, which could bring a recurrence of the Black Death, which killed one-third of humanity in the Middle Ages.

Sure, it was a long time ago, but think about this: It killed one-third of all people. If it happened in the 19th or 20th century, we would have had just two Bee Gees, two Stooges, the Kingston Duo and only the "Good and Bad" – no Ugly. What if Destiny's Child had no Beyoncé? Tragic.

Can you imagine? Oh, sure, you can say things are different now. We have modern medicine. We have global communication. We have frozen pizzas and big-box stores. We have Oprah Winfrey.

But is it possible that THE BLACK DEATH STARTED THIS WAY? Were there perhaps just a few people in 1340 who had it, but then it spread? Did they ignore it – like the mainstream media largely ignored this year's 15 CASES OF BUBONIC PLAGUE – and let it spread?

I'm sure it's nothing. Except for this: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently also announced that the Pentagon may have mislabeled, improperly stored and shipped samples of potentially infectious plague bacteria.

DID YOU READ THAT? Good, because I don't fully understand it and I don't work in a Pentagon warehouse. Since I'm not interested in searching for the ark of the covenant that Indiana Jones found, it should be OK.

Right? RIGHT?

Let's all calm down. I'm sure it's nothing serious. I'm sure they're in control. And even though the Black Death killed 75 million to 200 million people in the Middle Ages, none of them would be alive today, anyway, right?

We've got plenty of reason to be confident. The girl was hospitalized. The medical people seemed calm, at least publicly. Only 15 people have . . .

Only 15 people have . . .

FIFTEEN PEOPLE HAVE CAUGHT THE PLAGUE IN THE UNITED STATES THIS YEAR.

And the girl in Oregon likely got it from a flea bite, just like millions of people in the Middle Ages.

And I'm "middle-aged."

Uh-oh. Did I just sneeze?

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.