Our long California drought may soon be over.
In case you haven't heard, weather experts are nearly unanimous in saying that we're about to have an El Niño winter, which could mean the end of the drought and the arrival of flooding.
Or maybe nothing will change.
That's where I come in. I follow the tradition of Ben Franklin, who wrote Poor Richard's Almanack (Franklin lacked a copy editor to tell him that within a couple of centuries, the "k" wouldn't be needed) before he stopped publishing it to launch his famous late-18th-century blog "Ben There, Done That." Later, the Farmer's Almanac picked up the mantle, but without the brilliance of Franklin's lightning commentary (pun fully intended).
In the spirit of Franklin ("it's all about the Benjamin," I always say), I now take responsibility to explain and predict the weather months ahead of time.
First of all, some education: El Niño is a weather term that means "The Niño" in Spanish. It is based on the career of former Major League Baseball pitcher Niño Espinosa, who was noted for his ability to "make it rain" while attending clubs in New York City when he played for the Mets. Thus, the idea that a "rainy" year is an "El Niño" year.
You're welcome. Never forget Niño Espinosa, who died of a heart attack in 1987 at age 34.
Now the forecast, to give you time to prepare for the deluge of 2015-16.
October will be fairly dry, although an unexpected amount of Starbucks pumpkin spice latte will make it more humid than normal. We'll frequently be warned by TV talking heads that the drought is far from over, as if we didn't know.
November will bring the first hints of precipitation, with the chance of a deluge around midmonth – enough to bring a national day of thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday.
As December comes, the wet stuff will become more regular, to the point that you'll be able to get polite chuckles from your co-workers by saying "It's raining cats and dogs. I know because I just stepped in a poodle!" However, news media members will be unanimous in reminding us the drought isn't over. Not by a long shot.
As 2016 begins, we'll have our first wet January in years, with a few gully-washers. We won't be tired of it, although we will tire of hearing that the drought isn't over. And you'll break out this one for your co-workers: "When is Monday coming? MonSoon!" They will ignore you.
By February, we'll start getting cranky as the cloudbursts continue, making the Super Bowl at the 49ers stadium in Santa Clara even sadder than expected. In an effort to lighten the mood, you'll spring a new joke on your co-workers: "It's raining dogs. I know, because I just stepped in a pile of shih tzu!" That gag will result in a trip to HR and some mandatory classes on appropriate workplace language.
By March, we'll curse Niño Espinosa (see Paragraph 6) and wonder if it will ever be sunny again. It's the time we start breaking out references to "liquid sunshine," as we go through our second set of windshield wipers of the year.
April will, of course, bring showers, which will give you a chance to break out the line for your co-workers: "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!" Their anger will make you wonder if it's politically incorrect to use the term "pilgrim."
May will bring the end of the El Niño as pilgrims invade America and force us to wear black, buckled shoes. Your co-workers will ignore you when you tell them you predicted this, but as we dig out from a winter of rain, one thing will remain true: The media will remind us that the drought is far from over.
Ben Franklin wouldn't have written that!
Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.
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