I've never been particularly good at standing up to peer pressure, which is why I followed all my friends off the bridge during the famous 1985 Lemming Incident. That was, of course, a couple of years after I joined everybody that one night and Wang Chunged.
So when it became obvious that I was in danger of being the last person in America who wasn't a Republican candidate for president, I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to jump in.
My name is Brad Stanhope and I'm running for president.
I guess the last straw was when Donald Trump announced his candidacy. I'm not sure what he's done the past 30 years, but he was the owner of the United States Football League's New Jersey Generals. And a guy who signed Herschel Walker and Doug Flutie to big contracts, then saw his league go out of business, can't be our next president. Who's next, J. William Oldenburg? (He owned the Los Angeles Express.)
To be fair, I have some strong opinions on what needs to happen in this country over the next eight years. (And let's face it, I am likely a two-term president, like Grover Cleveland, the second greatest character named "Grover" in American history.)
As I officially announce my candidacy (do you have to file anything?), let me lay out a few key platform issues for my campaign:
Flying cars. We've been promised them for generations and they're still not here. We can watch movies on our hand-held telephones, but we can't fly a car? I don't buy it. During the Stanhope administration, we'll pour billions into flying cars to fulfill the promise of America.
A border fence. Trump suggested this at his announcement, saying he wanted to build one along the Mexican border and force Mexico to pay for it. Ridiculous, right? It should obviously go on our northern border. Canadians are so nice, they'll offer to pay for it so they don't appear rude. Who is a bigger threat: Mexico or Canada? Let's put it this way, who sent Justin Bieber? Who sent Pamela Anderson? Doug Henning? Who passes off ham as "bacon"? Under President Stanhope, we'll have a border protecting our sovereignty from the enemies in Canada.
Phone service changes. When you call a "help" line, you will get help under the Stanhope monarchy. Got a problem with your television service? Phone line? Medical bill? Every phone system that offers "help" will be required to have several actual humans on duty to answer questions, and all you have to do is press "zero." Agree? Vote Stanhope.
Cuts to government programs you don't like, more money for those you like. I could be more specific, but there's no need. Suffice to say, you will agree with me. Under the Stanhope dictatorship, things will be a lot better.
Speed limit requirements. This isn't about keeping people from speeding. It's more about issuing more tickets for those who drive 58 mph in the fast lane when the speed limit is 70 mph. Under a Stanhope police state, officers will issue tickets for anyone who drives more than 10 mph outside the posted limit. Unless, you know, I'm really in a hurry.
Not flushing public (or private) toilets. Two words: Death penalty.
Vote for me and see how the nation gets turned around.
If it doesn't work?
Two more words: Invade Canada (although we'll have to scale the fence first).
I look forward to being your overlord.
Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.
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