Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, Chuck E. Cheese gets a Christmas special

There are four months to get ready. “The Chuck E. Cheese Christmas Special” will likely begin airing on TV in mid-November.

Yes. A Chuck E. Cheese Christmas Special. On TV. No joke, but one question: Who asked for this? OK, a second question: Have we not suffered enough?

While no network or streaming service has reached an agreement to carry the show, someone will certainly do so and will break an unwritten agreement that America has with the Chuck E. Cheese franchise: That they can have vermin (the animatronic version of which are being phased out) promoting their pizza, but all such activity stays within the walls of the establishment. What happens in Chuck E. Cheese stays in Chuck E. Cheese.

But not now. Now we have "The Chuck E. Cheese Christmas Special" . . . and perhaps more.

According to an article in Variety, the show will be written and produced by the people who did the same thing for "Phineas & Ferb" and "Be Cool Scooby Doo!" There are already a bunch of actors providing the voices for Chuck E. and his pals and the show will feature at least one original song. (Perhaps "My Rat Will Go On," "Can You Fear the Rat Tonight?" or "Chuck. E.'s In Love?")

We don't know anything about the plot, but we can assume it involves parents taking a group of overamped kids to a child casino, where those kids are exposed to flashing lights, loud noises and various viruses. Maybe there will be a kid who is sad about Christmas and a giant rat (there remains some controversy over what Chuck E. Cheese is, but it's pretty clear that he's a rat) hands him 1.5 million coupons, enough for him to get a pencil at the front counter.

I'm just spit balling. The Chuck E. Cheese people are free to run with my idea, though.

The Christmas special is horrifying (and answers the question: "There are so many Hallmark Christmas movies! What could be worse?"). But there is even worse news.

The people who run Chuck E. Cheese Entertainment were quoted as saying the show, “is not just a seasonal moment – it’s the beginning of a long-term vision to transform beloved characters into a storytelling universe for today’s kids and families.”

You read that right. This is the gateway to a world filled with Chuck E. Cheese shows. The "Chuck E. Cheese Valentine's Day Special." "Happy Easter, Chuck E. Cheese!" "Chuck E. Cheese's Red-White-and-Blue July 4 Fireworks-o-Rama Special." "Ten-Hut! The Chuck E. Cheese Veteran's Day Special."

In the Variety article, Chuck E. Cheese's vice president of global media, licensing and entertainment was breathlessly quoted.

“This is more than just a TV special – it’s a milestone moment for the Chuck E. Cheese brand,” said Melissa McLeanas  “We’re entering the entertainment arena in a way that builds on our nostalgic legacy while charting a new future for our characters as a storytelling franchise.”

OK. All I know is that the Chuck E. Cheese franchise terrified a generation of children (including my oldest son) with their giant animatronic band. Chuck E. Cheese also horrified a generation of parents (including me) with noisy games, sweaty kids, bad pizza and cheap giveaways.

Now we get a Christmas special. It's a Rat-a-ful Life, indeed.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Ranking the TV commercial jingles that stick with you

The greatest jingles in advertising aren't the best songs in advertising. If that were the case, no one could dispute that Chili's "I Want My Baby Back" tune is the greatest commercial jingle ever. It's not even close – that song is even better than the "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" Coke jingle from the early 1970s that became a pop hit.

Alas, that's not the standard. The best jingles are those that stick with you. That you find yourself humming. The jingles that immediately make you think of the product.

Historically, we've had great jingles that reached this level: The very-short "Clap on, clap off" for The Clapper; "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" for Almond Joy and Mounds; "Yummy, yummy in my tummy" for Beefaroni and Beef-O-getti, "The best part of waking up" for Folgers.

You get the point.

But the songs don't have to be good to be effective (is the "song" for the clapper even a song? It's not clear. Maybe it's a chant). And in an era when TV show theme songs have gotten much, much shorter (true fact: The theme for "Gilligan's Island" was 2 minutes, 21 seconds. A typical modern TV theme song is a 15-second instrumental), the same is true for jingles.

But they're still good. And I now present the eight greatest current jingles, based on how effectively they stick in your brain and make you think of their product.

8. O'Reilly Auto Parts. I've never been in one of their stores, but I respect their hustle – purely because of the yelp at the end of their jingle. The O-O-O'Reilly part at the start is good, too.

7. Nationwide. If I asked you what insurance company is on your side, you'd know: Nationwide, since that's the key lyrics in  their jingle. This is the most vanilla of these jingles, which is saying something, so the biggest problem is that it might blend into the background like a song by the Carpenters. But it still works.

6. Popeyes Chicken. The modern, shorter version of the Chili's song. This has a bit of funk to it. "Love that chicken at Popeye's" is catchy, fun and presents the facts: Popeye's sells chicken. It works.

5. Liberty Insurance. A simple lyric: "Liberty, Liberty, Liberty . . . Liberty," works, even if you don't like the "Liberty Biberty" guy or other variations of the theme. Like KC and the Sunshine Band, the writer of this jingle leaned into simplicity and it worked.

4. Living Spaces. I'm not entirely clear what Living Spaces does (I guess it's a furniture store), so I'm not sure it works for making me call them. But if I needed a space to live, they'd probably come in handy.

3. JG Wentworth. The financial services company has a variety of operatic commercials that let you know that if you have a structured settlement, but you need cash now, where to call. You know the number (877-CASH-NOW) because you hear the song in your head now.

2. Safelite. Mrs. Brad often sings the four-word jingle: "Safelite repair, Safelite replace," so when my windshield had a crack, I immediately called Safelite. Unfortunately, they had to replace, not repair the windshield, but their theme song worked. Simple and clean.

1. Kars-4-Kids. You hate it, I hate it, everyone hates it. But who would you think of first if you want to donate your car? And what's their phone number? See? You know both! Their insistence on having snotty little kids pretend to be a band while singing the song indicates that either they're unaware of how they come across or they're in on the joke. Hopefully the latter, because this jingle works. Unfortunately, too well.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Oh beautiful, for spacious skies: What makes American beautiful in 2025

Put aside politics for a moment. Please.

Not because it's unimportant. It's important.

Not because you can't make a difference. Because you can.

Not because if you eliminate the P, the letters can be rearranged to spell "colitis." Because that's true.

But put politics aside because it's time to celebrate things that make America great (and I realize that using the terms "make" "America" and "great" makes some of us cringe. Put that aside for a moment, too).

Friday is July 4, the 249th birthday of the United States of America. That means America is older than the cotton gin, the telegraph, the internal combustion engine and Tik-Tok. But it also means America is younger than the steam engine, the printing press and Dick Van Dyke.

As we celebrate our collective birthday, there are some uniquely American things to celebrate. They don't rank with freedom of speech, representative democracy or the Statue of Liberty on the list of greatest American achievements, but here are 10 random things that are pretty cool and worth honoring:

Hot dog eating contests. Food-eating contests are held around the world, but nobody does it better than us. Joey Chestnut (from Vallejo!) is the Babe Ruth of this "sport," but even the previous biggest star (the "Home Run Baker" of the "sport?"), Takeru Kobayashi made his mark in America. O beautiful, for spacious pies.

Sports. Other nations have favorite sports (usually soccer), but here we love everything. Football, basketball, baseball, hockey, golf, tennis, mixed martial arts, pickleball, hot dog eating contests (see above). I'm grateful to live in a nation with a smorgasbord of great sports.

Hollywood. This may be America's greatest export – our pop culture, which originally was communicated to the world through movies. Hollywood quickly established itself as the center of the film world and retains that role more than a century after Douglas Fairbanks and John Barrymore were the biggest movie stars in the world.

Dollywood. I've never been to Dolly Parton's theme park and don't expect to visit, but the fact that we do theme parks big and we're brash enough to use clever wordplay to name them is another great thing about our country. I guess you could say "Bollywood" is what makes India great, but then I'd say they're just importing our great cultural treasure.

The interstate highway system. It's popular to criticize our roads ("The Roman roads still exist, but then engineers got involved . . ."), but the interstate highway system is remarkable. You can get on Interstate 80 and drive east all the way to Teaneck, New Jersey. You can take I-5 from the Canadian border to Mexico. When cars became the main mode of transportation in the mid-20th century, which country leaned in the hardest? Our interstate highway system was launched in 1956 and completed in 1992. My country, 'tis of thee.

Individualism. No nation emphasizes the individual more than the United States and while it's frequently to our detriment, it also encourages personal responsibility. Most of us believe working hard can get us ahead (even though we generally agree that everyone doesn't start at the same place). That's why our nation has led the way in innovation for centuries.

T-shirt cannons. I don't know if these weapons – designed to fire T-shirts into crowds at a sporting event – are specific to America, but they are common here. If you go to a sporting event and have bad seats, there's still a chance the mascot will fire a T-shirt to you. What a country!

Starbucks. Born in Seattle, exported to the rest of the country and to the rest of the world. It's hard to imagine a world without Starbucks and Starbucks is an American company. Is this my effort to get some free coffee from Starbucks' corporate offices? Maybe.

Friendliness and optimism. Even during dark times for our nation, people in other countries think of Americans as friendly (maybe too friendly?) and optimistic. What do you think of the people in your life who are friendly and optimistic? You like them, right? That's all of us to the rest of the world.

July 4 celebrations. Whether it's music at the Suisun City waterfront, the parade in downtown Fairfield or a (possibly illegal) fireworks show you attend, we love explosions and fireworks and danger to celebrate our nation's birthday. Sure, it's flawed. But we have T-shirt cannons, hot dog eating contests and Starbucks!

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

School daze: Turns out most Americans have similar high school memories

Spoiler alert: Your high school experiences weren't unique.

Most of us think our high school experience was distinctive. More painful than others. More romantic. More successful. More traumatic.

Maybe it was, but it turns out that our experiences are pretty common.

Looking back to those three or four formative years, nearly all of us have some sort of romantic remembrance, a group of friends (maybe very small) with whom we identified, some sort of great classroom memory and some sort of bad classroom memory.

One theory why: From (roughly) age 14 through 18, almost all of us have some sort of crush on someone, some friends and take a bunch of classes. Logic indicates that those classes included some we liked and some we didn't.

Science backs me up. Well, if not science, a survey by YouGov (my favorite source for interesting data). According to their survey of more than 2,200 adults, more than three-fourths of us have high school memories of having a crush on or dating someone, having a group of friends, having a class we loved and having a class we hated.

In other words, common high school experiences.

Sorry to rain on your parade if part of your identity is telling people you weren't, "at the popular table" (which, by definition, fits an overwhelming majority of people. Because there is a narrow definition of "popular" for teenagers). Most of us weren't at the popular table.

I'm also sorry if, like Uncle Rico on "Napoleon Dynamite," you had your hopes dashed in high school by a coach or teacher who didn't give you the chance you thought you deserved. Most of us had that.

Sorry if you think your high school romance was especially dramatic or tragic. Maybe it was, but it's probably similar to many other people's.

Turns out high school has other common experiences.

If you lied to your parents, you're not alone: 67% of respondents did and the other 33% also did, but are liars who now lie to survey-takers.

Interestingly, some gender stereotypes are affirmed by the study. Men are far more likely to have gotten into trouble in school, including for fighting, while women are far more likely to have made the honor roll, but experienced anxiety or depression.

There's a generation gap on a few issues, too. Far more young people had cellphones in high school, while older people were more likely to have a driver's license  (because we had to physically drive to someone's house to talk to them without our family members listening in to our calls on the landline).

What's the lesson here? I guess it's that as awful or great as you think high school was, you're not alone. At least in our perception, most of us have had similar good and bad memories from that time.

As we get older, most of us tend to go to one end of the continuum when remembering high school. It was either the greatest time of our lives, filled with friends and parties and football games and academics or it was the worst time, filled with loneliness and being excluded and not sitting at the cool kids' table (which we all insist we wouldn't want to do anyway).

The most clear-thinking of us realize there's no way we'd want to be 15 or 16 or 17 again. We wouldn't again want to wonder what it would take to be cool, while noticing that our hair was terrible, struggling over having acne and wishing we were more athletic or smarter or more talented.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

'Ask Dad' returns to provide Father's Day advice

It's a Father's Day tradition as old as playing the final round of the U.S. Open golf tournament, not knowing what gift to get your father and dads being asked, "Why isn't there a Kids' Day?" and answering, "Every day is Kids' Day!"

It's the annual "Ask Dad" column in this space, where an artificial father answers questions from alleged readers.

It's Dan Landers, not Ann Landers. It's Mr. Manners, not Ms. Manners. It's po-tay-toe, not po-tah-toe.

On to the mailbag:

Dear Dad:

My sister and I were close while growing up, but since becoming adults, our relationship has been strained. I've tried to reach out to her, but she doesn't seem interested in spending time with me or my family. I even had my 16-year-old son go to her house to mow her lawn as a favor. She was insulted, thinking that I was saying her lawn was unkempt. What should I do?

Frustrated in Fairfield

Dear Frustrated:

Relationships can be complicated, but I commend you for sending your son over to mow her lawn. That's a good job for a teenager. Hopefully, he realizes the value of mowing in a circular motion, with the grass being blown to the middle. When you do that, each lap results in the cut grass moving toward the middle and makes it easier to rake when you're done. Of course, if you have a bag on your mower, it doesn't matter, but in my day, we had to mow and then rake.

I hope this helped.

Dear Dad:

My 6-year-old son just started playing youth baseball and his coach is much harsher than his father and I are. I'm concerned that the coach will ruin my son's confidence. How can I approach the coach to suggest that he goes a little lighter on my son without seeming like an overprotective mom?

Vaca Baseball Mom

Dear VBM:

As everybody knows, baseball is a game of failure: Even the greatest hitters fail seven out of 10 times. It's important to learn how to handle failure, particularly if you're new to it. Although I guess not every great hitter fails seven out of 10 times. Ted Williams hit .400 in 1941 and Tony Gwynn had a career .338 average, which meant he failed 6.62 times out of 10. Gwynn was a master of hitting and my guess is that if he were playing now, he'd still be a .320 hitter, but with more power. I suspect that even the analytics guys who run baseball now would admit that he would be a great hitter in any era.

I hope this helped.

Dear Dad:

I am 50 and work in an office where there are a lot of people in their 20s. I love their youthful energy, but it drives me crazy that they spend all their time looking at their phones. Sometimes I'll be talking to one of them, they'll get a notification on their phone or watch and will just stop listening to me. They instead stare at their device. What's the best way to handle that situation without sounding like an old man shouting at the clouds?

Confused in Suisun City 

Dear Confused: 

Changes in technology always have good and bad outcomes – and young people (or old people) staring at their phones is one of those. This has always been the case. Remember when drive-in movies began piping the audio to your radio instead of those speakers that clipped onto your window? That seemed confusing and it took away part of the fun of going to drive-ins. I remember one time when I was in high school, I went to an old-time drive-in with two of my friends, Scott and Oscar. When the movie was over, Scott drove off with the speaker still attached to his car. WHAP! It sounded like he'd had a blowout, but it was just the speaker popping off his window and slamming into its pole. Oscar and I laughed about that forever. We still talk about it.

I hope this helped.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Noon, midnight and the mistaken ways people describe them

I realized it was an obsession when my son texted me, asking me to confirm his thoughts: "12 p.m. Central is 10 a.m. here, right?" he wrote.

It was for a work meeting. His company's headquarters are in Minneapolis, so everything runs on Central time. He just wanted to be sure he was on time.

But that's not what I read. Or it wasn't all I read.

"Yes," I wrote back. "Although I hate it when people say 12 p.m. It's NOON, because p.m. means AFTER noon. But yes, you are correct."

I presume he rolled his eyes. Or was confused. Or didn't read past the first word. He'd struck the strangest pet peeve nerve in his weird dad's world.

I have myriad language rules that I expect people to follow when writing (and even speaking). I don't condemn you for using them, but I quietly edit you in my brain.

For instance:

• You don't end a sentence with a preposition (leading to Mrs. Brad and me saying such things to each other as, "I wonder to whom this belongs?").
• You don't say "of" before the word "myriad." (There are myriad reasons for that. I can't think of any, but I remember learning this and now I insist on it. Check the paragraph above for the correct style.)
• You don't put an "s" on the end of forward or backward. Unless you're British, of course. Otherwise, it's a big step backward. No "s."

But mostly, there is no such thing as 12 p.m. or 12 a.m., despite the work of virtually every person who makes a flier (hey! Another one. A sheet of paper advertising something is a flier, not a flyer). This is the rule where I draw the line, personally and professionally.

In my job, I occasionally edit items that include times. Nothing causes me to roll my eyes more than when an event starts or ends at 12 p.m. ("Which is that?" I'll ask whoever is nearby in mock confusion. "Is it midnight? Is it noon? Because there's no such thing as 12 p.m.!")

The midnight/noon reasoning is simple.

The acronym "p.m." means post meridiem, a Latin phrase for midday. In other words, p.m. is any time after midday, which is noon. Since noon is not after noon (it is noon!), it's not p.m. It's not a.m. It's noon.

The reverse is true for a.m., which means ante meridiem, Latin for before midday. Before noon. So midnight isn't 12 p.m. or 12 a.m. It's midnight.

If you think I'm crazy about this, I'm not! Wikipedia's entry on a.m. and p.m. includes a full section on the confusion that happens when people want to write 12 p.m. or 12 a.m. and attempted solutions, but it highlights that most style guides suggest the obvious: Use noon and midnight.

(Note: Citing Wikipedia to support my argument makes me nervous. Wikipedia has a 1,025-word entry on toilet paper orientation and a 392-word entry on the idea of a "toast sandwich"–toast between two slices of bread. However, I'll take support where I can get it.)

I stand on the truth. My son may think I'm losing it. My workmates think I obsess over it. Mrs. Brad may have heard my explanation dozens of times and the entire world may know what someone means when they write "12 p.m."

I don't know what they mean.

Gary Cooper and Eric Clapton would agree with me. The movie was "High Noon," not "High 12 p.m." and the song was "After Midnight," not "After 12 a.m."

It's simple. Say noon and midnight and we all understand.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

The true history of my nickname (that I gave myself)

A basic rule of nicknames is that you can't give one to yourself.

Except for Kobe Bryant (who named himself "Black Mamba" and it stuck – after people mocked him for it for several years), no one gives themselves a nickname. Frank Sinatra didn't name himself "Chairman of the Board." Muhammad Ali didn't name himself "The Greatest." Beyoncé didn't name herself "Queen Bey." Heck, Alexander III of Macedon didn't name himself "Alexander the Great" and Walt Williams didn't name himself "No Neck."

However, I broke the rule.

I gave myself a nickname at age 10 and it stuck for decades. Some people still call me Otis, the nickname fifth-grade Brad gave himself.

As a teenager, most of my friends called me Otis. My stepmother – not known for her light-heartedness – sometimes called me Otis. My next-oldest sister would often call me Otis. At one of my jobs, I went by Otis. The Volkswagen Rabbit that I drove throughout college had a personalized license plate: Otiscar.

I was Otis.

It's a dumb story. In fifth grade, my best friend Troy and I decided that we needed nicknames. I don't remember Troy's (Marvin? Skeeter?), because it didn't stick.

Mine did. I picked mine because I admired Otis Sistrunk, the Oakland Raiders' defensive lineman of that era. Sistrunk had a shaved head when it wasn't common. He didn't play college football and said he came from the University of Mars. He seemed funny.

I didn't like the Raiders, but Otis Sistrunk was cool. His name was cool and so were other Otises (Oti?) in sports: Chiefs wide receiver Otis Taylor. NFL running back Ottis Anderson. NBA guard Otis Birdsong. Additionally, all were black, which made it more enticing to a white suburban kid who already had picked out his Muslim name, since it seemed like a thing in the mid-1970s (I would be Ahmad Abdul-Aziz).

Otis stuck. By late middle school, my friends would explain it to people we met ("Wait. What's his name?"), who then called me Otis. The naming ebbed and flowed. I was Brad when I started college.

But when I started working at Red Baron Pizza at age 18, there was already a Brad there. Too confusing. "You can call me Otis," I told the manager. For five years – all the way through college – I went by Otis. More and more people called me Otis.

Mrs. Brad and I started dating during that time and she never called me Otis. In fact, she used to mock my personalized license plate by insisting my plates said, "Oti Scar."

Hah hah hah.

At age 20, I was Otis, but over time, the nickname faded. When I started working at newspapers – first in my hometown of Eureka, then in Fairfield – I went by Brad. I moved away from everyone who knew that was my nickname.

I wasn't ashamed of the nickname (I would tell people the story if it came up for some reason), but I was now just Brad. I've been Brad for decades, except to some longtime friends. Some of my oldest friends: Guys like Kenny and Dwayne and Matt – still refer to me as Otis. 

The other day, Mrs. Brad and I were talking about nicknames and she asked how I came to be called Otis.

I told her: I gave it to myself, after Otis Sistrunk.

"You can't do that," she said. "Nicknames are given by other people."

She's right: That's true for most people.

Just not for the Black Mamba and Otis.

Reach Brad "Otis" Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

After all these years, the laugh track survives

Open: Brad's front room in the evening. Mrs. Brad sits, watching TV, as Brad enters the room.

(Crowd applauds loudly, recognizing the star of the show.)

Brad (in Ricky Ricardo accent from "I Love Lucy"): Hi honey, I'm hoooome!

(Laughter)

Mrs. Brad: Well, it's about time. I was about to see if a picture of you was on the side of the milk carton!

(Laughter)

Brad: Are you a time traveler from 1980? (He looks at the camera and shrugs. Laughter, then applause)

Mrs. Brad: Speaking of 1980, your haircut looks like it's from 1980.

(Crowd shouts, "ohhhhh!" then laughs, then applauds)

Brad: You'll never guess what I learned today.

Mrs. Brad: How to tie your shoelaces?

(Laughter)

Brad: No, more important than that. And with velcro, who needs shoelaces? (Crowd chuckles) Anyway, think of sitcoms.

Mrs. Brad: Hmmm. I think I can do that. (She looks at the camera and rolls her eyes. Crowd laughs.)

Brad: Doesn't it seem like laugh tracks for those shows went out of style a few decades ago? That modern shows don't or shouldn't have laugh tracks and that most of the new shows are shot with a single camera?

(Crowd grumbles)

Mrs. Brad: I don't know, but we need laugh tracks! How else would people know when to laugh?

(Long applause)

Brad: I don't know about that. Shouldn't it be obvious when to laugh? You laugh when something's funny.

Mrs. Brad: Well, then how would they know when to laugh when you say something?

(Crowd laughs)

Brad: Why I oughta . . . 

(Crowd chuckles)

Mrs. Brad: Oughta get a haircut from this century?

(Laughter, then applause)

Brad: But seriously, there are currently 12 adult sitcoms on network TV and seven of them use laugh tracks . . . or least some canned laughter. The fake kind.

(Audience gasps)

Mrs. Brad: It's not fake. It was real laughter when it was recorded.

(Applause)

Brad: But some of the people laughing on 2025 sitcoms are dead. They've been dead for decades. They were recorded in the 1950s!

(Audience gasps)

Mrs. Brad: You're a real ray of sunshine, you know that?

(Laughter)

Brad: It just seems weird that something that seems so outdated remains so strong. I thought the best recent sitcoms are all those single-camera, non-laugh-track shows. It turns out that the laugh-track sitcoms are still happening. It's like we're too dumb to know what's best.

Mrs. Brad: When you say we're too dumb to know what's best, are you talking about TV or the elections? (Crowd shouts "ohhhh" and then applauds.) And what shows are you talking about that don't use a laugh track?

Brad: "The Office." And shows like that.

Mrs. Brad: OK. What other shows don't have laugh tracks?

Brad: Umm. "M*A*S*H*?" "Barney Miller?"

(Laughter)

Mrs. Brad: They went off the air nearly 50 years ago. Is there any show since then that you can cite?

Brad: Seinfeld?

(Laughter)

Mrs. Brad: Anything after the invention of fire?

(Laughter)

Brad: Why I oughta!

(Laughter)

Mrs. Brad: Maybe the reason is that a laugh track is reassuring. Maybe it's just a way for people to feel comfortable and maybe it's a way that older audience members can feel a connection to the past. You know, maybe we should do that: Have a connection to the past?

Brad: Do you mean?

(Henry Winkler walks on stage)

Winkler: Aaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

(Crowd cheers wildly.)

Brad: Why I oughta!

(Crowd laughs, breaks into applause and screen fades into the credits)

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Shocking study: Women say more words than men during adulthood

Women speak more words per day than men, but only during a very specific period of life.

Of course, that period of life is 25 to 65.

So . . .  most of adulthood, which is a strange thing to pull out like it's a weird little period of time. It's 40 years. In terms of the study's findings, 43.8 million more words are spoken by an average woman during that period than an average man.

Nearly half are asking how a man is feeling or suggesting how should drive. But I jest.

The finding – that women speak 3,000 more words daily than men during most of their adult life – is probably no surprise to most women other than Mrs. Brad. Who, if the data is true, must say many, many, many words to herself.

The study, conducted by University of Arizona researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (which has a tremendous advice column and hilarious comic strips), found that the average 25- to 64-year-old woman spoke 21,845 words per day, compared to the average men of the same age, who spoke 18,570 words (my guess at most common of those male words: "Huh?" "What?" "Whatnot" and "Cool.").

For context of just how many words that is, my columns average about 600 words. The Declaration of Independence is 1,320 words. Novels are usually around 100,000 words. The Bible is about 780,000 words. That last meeting you were forced to attend featured about 1 billion words.

So the average woman says a novel's-worth of words in a five-day period. The average man needs an additional day-plus to reach that level. 

An earlier University of Arizona study from 2007 by the same researcher found that women and men each say about 16,000 words per day, but the follow-up study found differently. The first study focused primarily on college-aged people who lived near Austin, Texas (why would the University of Arizona study people who lived near the University of Texas? They're not even in the same conference!) so it wasn't seen as widely representative. This version used far more participants in multiple countries with a wider age range.

There was no signficant differences between genders for those ages 10-24 and 65 and older. But from 25-64? Hoo boy.

According to the researchers, one reason that women talk more during that period is they are generally the primary caretaker for children, so they speak more words. Others just think blah, blah, blah. (I wasn't paying attention. Sorry.)

The least talkative person in the survey spoke about 100 words a day and the most talkative spoke more than 120,000. You probably know both of those people and have probably been stuck in a longer-than-comfortable scenario with each of them.

Which is worse? Too many words or too few words? Or is a combined 40,000 words between the average man and woman OK, regardless of the division?

This column is 500 words, so only 18,070 left for me. Which is cool and whatnot.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Curry and then who else? Ranking the Bay Area's top athletes

We live in a wonderland of professional sports figures.

Even after the heartbreaking departures of the A's and Raiders, the Bay Area is the envy of most of the sports world, due to the fact that our major pro sports teams (for purposes of this exersise, we mean the Giants, 49ers, Warriors and Sharks) all consistently make serious efforts to win.

That's not true everywhere (and wasn't true when the A's were still here).

Beyond that, consider the number of charismatic stars who have played here (Willie Mays, Joe Montana, Rickey Henderson, Barry Bonds, Rick Barry), and you realize this region has a wealth of great sports figures.

But who are the best? Over the years, I've done this exercise many times, going back 15 years. Curiously, only three people have topped the list (Tim Lincecum, Buster Posey and Stephen Curry), but dozens of stars have been part of the top 10.

There's no science to this, just art (by which I mean don't blame me if I forgot your favorite person). Here are the current top 10 figures in Bay Area sports:

10. Matt Chapman, Giants. He's the type of athlete who you don't appreciate until he's on your team: He's steady, spectacular at times, but generally a really good grinder. Chapman is like the student who isn't the best in any class, but at the end of the year, she has a 4.0 grade point average.

9. Macklin Celebrini, Sharks. He was the first pick in the 2024 NHL draft and had a solid rookie season at age 18 (he was born in 2006!). Celebrini is positioned to become the Sharks' biggest-ever star, due to his early standing in the league and how things appear to be set to build the franchise around him. Bonus points: His name is familiar because his father is the Warriors director of sports medicine and performance..

8. Logan Webb, Giants. He's not the longest-serving Giants player (that's Mike Yastrzemski), but he's been the starting pitcher four consecutive years and has led the National League in innings pitched for each of the past two season. He's old-school in the best way possible.

7. Christian McCaffrey, 49ers. A unicorn in the NFL – a great running back who could be a great wide receiver if needed and maybe could play quarterback in an emergency. McCaffery was injured most of last year, so he's slipped on this list, but if he returns at anywhere close to the standard he's set in eight NFL seasons, he's a top-three NFL running back. Bonus points: He attended Stanford.

6. Fred Warner, 49ers. He's charismatic, he's fast, he's strong and he's a willing leader on the Bay Area's favorite sports team. Warner does everything at full speed and for those rare times when he's off the field (he plays injured), there's a huge dropoff.

5. Draymond Green, Warriors. The best defensive player of his generation, a four-time NBA champion and the emotional spark for the Warriors (often for good, sometimes for bad). Green is wrapping up his 13th season with the franchise, something that only 25 NBA players have ever surpassed (including Steph Curry, with 15 seasons) and is the bad cop to Curry's good cop on the national stage.

4. Nick Bosa, 49ers. One of the best pass-rushers in the NFL, he's the most famous defensive player on the Niners (not the best. That's Warner). There's a reason the team buckled and gave him a huge contract two years ago – players with his skill set are rare. And he's just 27.

3. Buster Posey, Giants. While a player, he was consistenly near the top of this list. Now he's the team's top executive (he's not yet 40!) and is the most famous member of the franchise (next on the list are broadcasters Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow). Giants fans trust him to rebuild the franchise and it will take some significant failure to diminish that confidence.

2. Brock Purdy, 49ers. It's an automatic that the quarterback of the 49ers – by far the most popular sports team in the Bay Area – is one of the most important sports figures in the region. That's true if it's Joe Montana, Steve Young, Tim Rattay or Alex Smith. It's particularly true for Purdy, famously the last pick of the draft, who led the team to the NFC Championship game in his first two seasons (going to the Super Bowl in the second of those years).

1. Stephen Curry. His star power is obvious now, but when drafted in 2009, Curry joined a franchise that had one playoff appearance in 15 years – and proceeded to miss the playoffs the next three seasons. That he's seen as the greatest shooter and one of the greatest winners in NBA history is remarkable. That's he's a perfect "face of the franchise" for a team that is one of the glamor franchises in sports is a tribute to Curry and his teammates.

Reach Brad Stanhope at Bradstanhope@outlook.com.