Cheers for Jupiter – and roller derby

It's time to give Jupiter some props: Like a bodyguard in school who keeps the goons away, the planet may have cleared the way for Earth. To exist.

At least according to scientists, whom I never question. Even when they insist that canals exist on Mars, draining blood can cure illnesses or that a walk is as good as a hit. If they weren't smarter than me, they wouldn't be allowed to wear those white jackets, right?

Anyway, a couple of astronomers (which I'm told are different from astrologers) published a paper this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. It's one of several magazines to which I subscribe, arriving Tuesday along with Grit and Cracked and a few days before The Saturday Evening Post. The astronomers say that our inner solar system once had a bunch of what they call "super-Earths." Those are planets larger than ours, but not as big as Neptune.

(Neptune is really big. When it sits around the sun, it really sits around the sun! When Neptune steps on the planetary scale, the scale says "one at a time please!" Am I right? Neptune is big!)

The point of the article was that at some point in ancient history (probably before the American Revolution and maybe before the invention of the fork) Jupiter bulldozed in and smashed those "super-Earth" planets into the sun, which laid the foundation for the creation of the Earth and other smaller planets . . . wait . . .

Did they really say creation of the Earth? Scientists said that?

Nevermind. I don't want to get sidetracked. But the Earth was created? Hmm.

Anyway, the idea is that Jupiter pushed toward the sun, smashed those would-be planets into the sun, then returned to its normal rotation – presumably with its hands in its pockets, whistling and hoping that nobody noticed.

The best parallel – and I'm sure you're already thinking this – is roller derby.

Jupiter played the role of the "jammer," who smashes skaters out of the way so that the "pivot" can skate ahead and score points. In this case (to use a 50-year-old metaphor), Jupiter was Charlie O'Connell and the Earth was Joanie Weston, both of the Bay Area Bombers.

Got it? Much easier to understand now, right?

Another interesting part of the theory, which is known as the Grand Tack scenario (because the "Gran Torino scenario" involves a racist character played by Clint Eastwood), is that Neptune was drawn toward the sun because of its huge mass. The only thing that stopped it was Saturn, which entered a "planetary dance" with it due to both planets' large mass, a dance that sent both farther into the solar system.

That's ironic, because I owned a Saturn for several years and find it unlikely it could travel anywhere without some sort of maintenance. Although perhaps the "planetary dance" would have been a better excuse for when my side-view mirror came off than the truth: I backed into the side of the garage.

But enough of that. Why do you keep side-tracking me?

My point is that Jupiter should be appreciated. After all, most of us have some love for Mars (great candy bar!), Pluto (cute dog, even if it's not a "planet" anymore), Venus (cool songs, one version by Frankie Avalon and another by Shocking Blue and Bananarama) and even Saturn (affordable car, even though the side-view mirrors seem defective).

Jupiter? Other than an occasional song mention (which prompts my first-ever mention of San Francisco-based band Train), it doesn't get much love.

But Jupiter made it possible for Earth to be created, according to scientists. Three cheers for Jupiter!

And roller derby, which made this science lesson understandable.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Let's hope comments let off steam

A longtime radio host once expressed it simply: "I love the listeners, hate the callers."

My feelings aren't that strong, but sometimes they get close. Not about callers, but about some of the people who post comments on this and other websites. Calling someone a "troll" is now a cliché, but spend a few minutes or hours reading the comment section of nearly any online publication and you'll likely feel that way.

The Daily Republic has significantly higher standards for website commentary than most sites. People who post their thoughts on Dailyrepublic.com can pick what name they want to appear, but there are filters that block profanity and common slurs. Editors at the paper can also see more information and even block certain folks.

Still . . .

Go on the Daily Republic's site any day and you'll feel like we live in an angry, judgmental, vicious world.

That's how it appears to me, at least. In my post-newspaper life, I'm like many readers – a guy who checks the paper online from his office, home or on his phone. I read the stories and, because comments are listed at the bottom of each story, I often see them.

The rage is palpable. People post comments calling for torture for accused criminals. The phrase "put a bullet in his head" appears regularly. They cite the race of people involved in stories. They rage against "incompetent" or evil police officers or elected officials. They turn local items into a referendum on President Obama. They mock the Daily Republic for missing a typographical error in a document that has 30,000 words and was printed with a one-day deadline cycle.

They're angry and mean.

Occasionally – maybe one comment out of 10 – someone is nice. More often, people make inoffensive comments.

The rest of the time? Mud-throwing, angry, bitter, mean people who are wishing the vilest outcome for others.

I might be a Pollyanna, but come on! Do people really feel that strongly? Are they really that angry, vindictive and spiteful?

Here's the truth: Those comments are rarely, if ever, directed at me. My columns tend to motivate nicer comments (until this one, at least).

But when I read other comments? It makes me think about the fact that nearly all of us think criminals should be punished, but most of us don't want people tortured.

Most of us see faults in our community, but don't think there's a conspiracy to ruin things.

A vast majority of us get angry about things, but hopefully aren't as uncivil in real life as many of the people who comment on the Daily Republic website (and others).

Yes, it's even worse elsewhere. Try going to national media websites and you'll see the comment sections degrade into hateful, angry diatribes that often have nothing to do with the article.

Here's my hope: A few angry people spend most of their time raging online about news stories, rather than venturing out in public. They use website comments as a way to let off steam and keep the rest of us safe.

Otherwise, it's a world filled with rage.

As Don Henley sang in "The Heart of the Matter," how can love survive in such a graceless age?

It can't in the comment sections.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Like Churchill said, always tell the truth

Can we trust anyone with the news?

In the wake of NBC's six-month suspension of Brian Williams for embellishing the truth about a helicopter incident in Iraq came word that Fox News' Bill O'Reilly is accused of telling untruths about the danger he was in while covering hostilities in Argentina, El Salvador and Northern Ireland.

(As if the description "former 'Inside Edition' host Bill O'Reilly" wasn't enough to shake his credibility).

Is everybody associated with covering the news guilty of making things up to make themselves appear more heroic? Let's hope not.

Walter Cronkite had it right: Credibility is the backbone of any news reporter. He told me that right after I forced him to go on the air to announce the death of President John F. Kennedy. Cronkite said he couldn't do it and I told him he had to – that America needed to hear it from someone who viewers respected.

Please don't make me into a hero for doing that, I was just his friend. That's what I tell people at my appearances before local service clubs, too.

What is it about guys like Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly (allegedly), who feel the need to embellish stories about reporting? Do they think the fact that they were present isn't enough? Do they think they need to show heroism to gain favor among their viewers or readers? If so, it's sad.

When I helped Woodward and Bernstein uncover the Watergate scandal, we all just wanted the truth to come out. The fact that they didn't credit me – that in fact, in their book and movie, they called the editor "Ben Bradlee" in an obvious reference to me – was OK. It was enough that I was there, helping uncover the truth. I didn't want credit, something I always tell the audience at paid speaking engagements around Solano County.

If being heroic was crucial to being a great reporter, I would have made a much bigger deal about my role in capturing John Wilkes Booth after he killed President Abraham Lincoln. But that was just something that occurred as part of my job. I'm not a hero, just a reporter. Well, maybe I'm a hero, but when I tell audiences about how I helped capture the killer of our 16th president, I emphasize that I was pursuing a story and just happened to change history.

Williams' lies are particularly confusing – why does it matter whether the news reader on a national network was in a helicopter that was shot down? Trust me, it's not all that great, even if you're in the cockpit with the pilots like when I talked "Sully" Sullenberger into landing on the Hudson River in 2009. That was terrifying and the fact that I saved all those people's lives didn't change that.

I always emphasize that when I'm appearing at functions at local schools for my basic appearance fee.

I hope the investigations will settle the issues about how much Williams and O'Reilly (allegedly) lied about their experiences. Viewers and readers deserve to know that they can respect and trust those who bring them the news. It's like Winston Churchill said: "The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is."

I'll never forget when he told me that. It was during a bombing of London by the Nazis, right after I saved his life, which likely also saved the Western Hemisphere.

As I always tell the large crowds who pay to see me, that had nothing to do with my ability as a reporter.

You can still trust me. But make sure the check clears when you pay me.

Former Daily Republic editor Brad Stanhope is no hero, just a simple columnist. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Love for DST, Suisun City; not Smokey Bear

Today marks the official turning of the seasons in Solano County: From gloomy to sunny.

We have pleasant winters here, but the start of daylight saving time – extending sunlight into the evening – makes it an even better place.

I'm a longtime proponent of daylight saving time, much to the chagrin of some people who would apparently prefer to live in eternal darkness. While the idea of year-round daylight saving time makes sense, I admit that the excitement of an immediate one-hour extension of sunlight, such as will happen today, makes the second Sunday in March an annual highlight.

And once more, I'd like to point out that we're on "standard time" for 18 weeks a year, "daylight saving time" for 34 weeks a year. When will we call the November-to-March period what it really is: Daylight wasting time?

It's daylight saving time, baseball spring training is rolling and Tony Wade is awakening from his long winter's slumber. Everything is as it should be.

Let's celebrate by emptying my notebook:

•  •  •

Three things that Suisun City has done right:

1. A cluster of downtown eateries. The development (redevelopment?) of the waterfront area stalled over the past several years, but most of the restaurants have survived and thrived. Consider that the Athenian Grill, Babs Delta Diner, The Joy of Eating and Cast Iron Grill all are on the east side of Main Street, while such restaurants as La Cabana, Taqueria Tepa, Main Street Bar and Grill, Puerto Vallarta and the new Ironwood American Bistro line the west side. There are plenty more, too. That's a lot of good food in a small geographic area, all walkable. That's a success.

2. Suisun City's section of what's called the "Central County Bikeway." That's the bike/walking paths along Highway 12 for much of the city, including both sides of the highway between Sunset Avenue and Marina Boulevard. Not only are the paths great for the safety of kids on the way to school, they provide a great weekend and evening place for walkers, runners and bicyclists.

3. The Kroc Center. When the NorthBay YMCA left town and the site was vacant for years, the big building on Pintail Drive looked like a dead weight around the city's neck. But when The Salvation Army came to town, renovated the building and began pouring money into community programs, it became one of the bright spots of the region. There have been few if any missteps since it opened – the city has a great nonprofit that serves nearly every part of the community.

•  •  •

Brief detour: When I was a kid, quicksand was a staple of dramatic TV. Rarely did a week go by that someone wasn't trapped in the stuff, struggling to get out. We learned that the more you struggled, the worse it got. We also knew the way to get out was to have someone throw you a lasso and pull you out with a horse.

I spent a good portion of those years hoping to avoid quicksand and rattlesnakes, which seemed to appear every time a character on a cowboy show was on the ground.

Now? Both largely gone. Rattlesnakes don't often appear and I haven't seen quicksand on TV or in a movie for years.

•  •  •

I know a lot of people respect Smokey Bear, but he pulled a punk move when he told us (particularly children) that only we can prevent forest fires.

We have a generation of people wracked with unnecessary guilt over the fact that they've been good, but somehow forest fires happened. That's not fair.

Shouldn't Smokey be held accountable?

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Calling someone a 'smoker' is hilarious

Mrs. Brad just couldn't stop laughing.

I wasn't sure why. She gets that way sometimes.

Finally . . . after I asked what was so funny and she started and stopped several times because she was laughing so hard . . . she told me.

"I said 'OK, smoker,’ ” she said. Then she started laughing again. Uncontrollably.

That's what was so funny. I was getting over a cold, so when I had a raspy cough in the middle of a conversation, she called me a "smoker."

Which is hilarious. To Mrs. Brad. Who couldn't stop laughing.

How much she appreciates her own sense of humor is one of Mrs. Brad's most charming characteristics. She's not alone: There are plenty of people who tickle themselves when they say or do things that (they think) are funny. Mrs. Brad? She really laughs hard at some of her gags. Really hard.

It's nothing new – she's done it since we started dating, as teenagers.

Not often. Just intensely.

Mrs. Brad is pretty funny. While I get most of the comedy credit in our family because of my imagination and love of the spotlight, Mrs. Brad can do spot-on impersonations and frequently makes observations that make me laugh out loud. However, nothing is as funny to her as when she's funny – particularly if I'm the target.

Take, for instance, the great "spoon-in-chocolate-milk caper." We were dating and she mixed a glass of chocolate milk (we were still  young, so I drank chocolate milk and she made it for me!), but . . . and here's the hilarious part . . . she left the spoon in it, just below milk level.

She thought I was going to have the spoon bang against my front tooth, leaving me sputtering and stammering!

It didn't happen.

That's because when she handed me the glass, she was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. For about five minutes. Because the spoon was going to hit me in the tooth!

I immediately laughed, even though I didn't know why. It's contagious that way. After about 10 explanation false starts, I finally found out why – there was a spoon hidden in the glass! – that was it – just a spoon, hilariously waiting to strike my mouth.

There have been other memorable incidents over the years that brought her uncontrollable laughter – the time she shoved me down the hill while we were walking at Veterans Memorial Park on Fairfield Avenue, the time she hit me in the eye with the plastic nose of a stuffed animal, the times she hid a plastic Jack-in-the-Box doll under the bed sheets or in my car, waiting for me to find it. Also, anytime I choke or throw up.

Invariably, the incidents end the same way: With me asking what's so funny and Mrs. Brad starting to tell me, then laughing so hard she has to stop, start again, and so on.

When she finally gets to the "punch line," I laugh.

Not because it's so funny – after all, calling someone "smoker," pushing them down a hill or hitting them in the eye with a stuffed animal's plastic nose isn't that funny – but because she's laughing so hard.

And her memories of such events often bring back the laughter.

Don't believe it? When she reads this, she'll laugh the entire time about when she put the spoon in the chocolate milk.

That was hilarious!

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

What message should we send aliens?

You may have heard the shocking story: Scientists are considering whether we should change our approach to contacting extraterrestrials. After decades of figuratively sitting by the phone, waiting for ET to call, many scientists (when they're not creating toothpaste to make our teeth whiter) now say we should send out messages. We should do the calling!

Not so fast, say others, taking a break from determining the nutritional information for Fruit Roll-Ups (these are things I presume scientists do). They say that we don't know what might be coming and the invitation of alien life to Earth could be disastrous, like when European settlers came to the Americas or when Dennis Miller joined the broadcast crew on "Monday Night Football."

Some scientists, wearing their white jackets and carrying thick books while meeting last week in San Jose, called for a major effort to reach out to other worlds with targeted messages.Their contention is likely that aliens are too busy polishing their laser-gun skills and teleportation devices to contact us, so we need to be the aggressors.

Some disagree, including such people as Stephen Hawking, Elon Musk and other smart guys. They think the result of an alien invitation could be a disaster, as portrayed on "Independence Day" and "Mork & Mindy."

I say it's too late.

We're already beaming things into space, such as when NASA sent the Beatles' song "Across the Universe" into the cosmos or when TV networks spent decades sending signals into space. (If aliens see "I Love Lucy," they'll probably laugh so hard that they can't hurt us!) It's time to stop debating whether to send messages and decide what message to send.

I work in communications. My entire career has been about sending the right message (except that time I accidentally hit "reply all." I deeply regret my error and was joking. It was a joke!)

My suggestions:

First of all, let's make sure that our message is nonthreatening. We don't want aliens to think we're aggressive, so avoid anything involving rap or heavy metal music, professional wrestling or written in all capital letters (even "WE COME IN PEACE" seems threatening).

Second, keep it short. Our civilization has advanced and our attention spans have gotten shorter. It's safe to say that any advanced alien civilization (which is our target audience) has moved past us with communication, likely surpassing smartphone technology with something like sending brainwaves. Advancement means shorter messages. Let's keep ours brief.

Finally, we should be coy. Anyone who has flirted knows that the first person to declare their intentions is at a disadvantage. So rather than telling our potential allies/invaders that we want them to visit us and tell us their secrets, we keep it short and let them make the next move.

My suggestion? We send out a simple message in print, text and a broadcast: "Hi. Single green planet seeks companionship, maybe more. Interested? Phone home. LOL."

The perfect blend of information, intrigue, pop culture and self-awareness.

And if we want to not be coy, maybe this idea, from third grade: "We like you. Do you like us? Yes/No (Circle one)."

Let's get this conversation started and prepare to meet our new overlords.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Time doesn't diminish power of a watch

When does a boy become a man?

When he turns 18 or 21? When he graduates from high school? When he drives? When he has sex? When he marries or fathers a child? When he moves out and can pay his own bills? When he acquires some symbol of manhood?

Who knows? But I discovered what I associate with manhood last weekend: A watch, which is crazy.

My stepmother died in December and last weekend I took a road trip to see my 83-year-old dad. He's doing well physically and mentally, but he's 83. And he's my dad. And he's a recent widower.

On Saturday at his house, he casually asked if I was interested in some jewelry, because my stepmother bought him various bracelets and rings over the years. She apparently also purchased an electric razor for him annually – he had a drawer filled with new models. When you have some money and are approaching 80, I guess you stick with what works.

I don't wear jewelry, but didn't want to blow him off. Dad showed me some items, urging me to take them and do whatever I wanted with them. Like me, he doesn't really collect stuff.

I looked at the bracelets, some rings . . . and saw his old watch.

The watch from my childhood.

I was suddenly transported back to childhood. That was the watch he wore the entire time I was a kid – if not the exact model, at least the same style. It was a gold-colored model with a clock face that had no numbers, just hands. It also had one of those "twist-o-flex" wristbands that I associate with having hairs pulled out of my forearms. The watch was probably nothing special – I suspect tens of thousands of businessmen wore them when I was a kid – but that watch reflected my childhood view of what a man wore.

My mom died when I was 7. My dad remarried when I was 8. So my childhood was split between two mothers, but Dad was there all the time. He was my model of a man and his watch was apparently representative of that.

I remember going into his bedroom as a child and putting on his watch. It was way too big for my wrist, but I would flop my hand around to see how it looked to wear a man's watch.

In my boy brain, there would be a day in the future when I would be a man. I would know I was a man because I would wear one of those watches with a twist-o-flex wristband.

I didn't want to be an accountant like Dad – I wanted to be the Giants' radio play-by-play announcer – but I associated adulthood with that style of watch. I still do.

Last Saturday, I swallowed hard and told my dad I would gladly take the watch. I don't know if it works – I suspect it doesn't. I don't know if it fits my wrist – it's probably still too big. I don't know if it's in style – probably not.

But I'm keeping it. Maybe someday I'll grow into it.

I'm now older than my dad was when I moved out of his house. But I still feel like a little kid when I see his watch. Someday, maybe I'll dump my digital Timex watch with the Velcro band for the clock-face, adult twist-o-flex model. Then I'll know I'm a man.

Strange, isn't it?

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Let's rank top 10 holidays on calendar

The worst major holiday of the year is this Saturday: Valentine's Day.

Being the worst holiday of the year isn't necessarily bad. It's like being the worst cupcake in a bakery or the worst player on a championship team.

Valentine's Day is great holiday if you're young, in love and creative. If you're single, it's a sad reminder. If you're in a relationship, it can be a day of expectations or disappointment. (Not for Mrs. Brad, of course. Every year, I make her a special dinner at the beach, then present her with a personal mix tape before going home to massage her shoulders while we watch "The Bridges of Madison County." I almost kept a straight face while writing that.)

Let's get to the rankings. You could make the case that I should have included Mother's Day and Father's Day, but they are made by Hallmark. Kind of like Valentine's Day, now that I think of it.

10. Valentine's Day. Frankly, it ranks behind Presidents Day and even Groundhog Day among February holidays.

9. Presidents Day. It's a school and government holiday, but a regular day everywhere else. Whose birthday is it? The official name is Washington's Birthday (according to the federal government), but we've had 44 presidents and it's called Presidents Day. And no one has ever wished me "Happy Presidents Day."

8. Labor Day. The bookend to summer with Memorial Day, this can be foreboding. It's the last great weekend of summer, so even if the weather is spectacular, we know what's coming: A cold, dark, wet winter.

7. Easter. The most important day for Christians (including me), but it's largely fallen from importance as a U.S. holiday, mostly because there's no vacation. Nothing combines the sacred with the silly (egg hunts? Chocolate bunnies? Peeps?). Most people consider this very important or not important at all, so it ranks seventh.

6. Fourth of July. Cookouts, fireworks, parades. Is there anything better suited for America's birthday? The only downside: It's a fixed date, so it sometimes falls in the middle of the week, requiring us to return to work the next morning, after hearing our idiot neighbors set off fireworks all night.

5. Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Quickly moving up the list because it's become a day of public service. It took a long time to get recognized, but now many organizations and companies embrace it as a day where people do things to help others in their community. We honor King's memory by following his example.

4. New Year's Eve/Day. It's awesome if you're a 25-year-old party animal. For non-drinkers like me or serious drinkers who consider it "amateur night," not so much. The start of the college football semifinals this year reclaimed New Year's Day for great football, at least.

3. Christmas. Routinely considered No. 1, I have it this low for a reason: It seems like the longest day of the year (actually, it's the fourth), particularly if you have young kids. The magic of the season is wonderful, but Dec. 25 begins with fireworks at 6:30 a.m. By 9 a.m., it's over except for a series of NBA games. I love Christmas season, but Christmas Day doesn't rank as high.

2. Thanksgiving. Food, family, football with very little pressure to do anything more than eat. And it kicks off the Christmas season, which makes it fun, too.

1. Memorial Day. Think of what it means: The start of summer. We start all the fun of the three-month season with a day off. Look at it this way: Even if it rains, great weather is coming. It's the most optimistic holiday. Just more than three months to go! (And yes, I just wrote about Memorial Day while ignoring what it's meant to recognize. Forgive me.)

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Everything you need to know about Super Bowl

America's greatest national holiday is today, when we watch Katy Perry sing a medley of songs that we vaguely recognize, laugh and cry after watching 30-second commercials and pass judgment on Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth as announcers.

Oh, and watch two teams that are not very likeable play for the championship.

The start of a one-year hiatus from Roman numerals may be the most significant thing about Super Bowl XLIX. When they play the Super Bowl next year in Santa Clara, they will move away from the self-important labeling that officially started with the Vth version. It will be Super Bowl 50! (My hope: In an ironic move, Levi's Stadium becomes known as "the home of the San Francisco XLIXers" next year.) Unfortunately, it appears that the Roman numerals will return the following year with Super Bowl LI.

Oh, NFL. You're so complicated!

Anyway, with the game kicking off today at 3:30 p.m. (don't be fooled by all the pre-game hype. The game actually starts at 3:30 p.m.), here are a few rambling thoughts from a former sports editor.

Deflategate

The New England Patriots got caught cheating (again) when it was revealed that the footballs they used in the AFC Championship game were underinflated, making them easier to throw and catch. Their reaction has been to deny, deflect and act like the criticism is unfair, but clearly something happened. It wasn't on accident.

Most of us didn't realize that the NFL doesn't take care of all game-ball preparation. Teams prepare their own balls, then have refs check them? Each team provides their own balls for their offense? What is this, middle school flag football?

In addition to the obvious move (the NFL will take responsibility for the balls starting next year), here's an appropriate punishment for the Patriots: Let the Seahawks prepare the balls for both teams today. The Patriots could be forced to alternately play with totally deflated balls (good luck throwing them!) and ridiculously overinflated balls that are impossible to grip and break fingers of those who catch them. Let the punishment fit the crime.

Surly Seahawks

The Seattle Seahawks have a reputation of being loud and obnoxious, except when they're silent and obnoxious. Remember last year, when Richard Sherman shouted at Fox's Erin Andrews after beating the 49ers? Or this year, when receiver Doug Baldwin yelled at reporters for "doubting" the Seahawks after their remarkable win in the NFC Championship game? Or this past week, when Marshawn Lynch angered media members and the 15 people who care about NFL Media Day when he showed up but defiantly refused to answer questions?

Here's the solution: Ignore them.

If Seattle wins, talk to Coach Pete Carroll, but don't put a single player on TV for a postgame interview. Russell Wilson didn't participate in the obnoxious behavior? Too bad, his teammates did. The media should do what society has chosen to do to harmless bad behavior for a long time: Realize the perpetrators are doing it to get attention, so ignore them. They'll probably change their behavior. If not, at least we won't have to watch.

Halftime show

Choosing Katy Perry to do today's halftime concert continues the NFL's move to target a younger demographic while still keeping it safe. My suggestion? A big stunt at halftime: A David Blaine-type illusion-magic show. Robbie Knievel jumping a motorcycle over 15 team buses. Nik Wallenda walking a tightrope over the stadium. Or something that would blow up social media: A Justin Bieber concert. I'd certainly watch it.

Prediction

Team Ruff will beat Team Fluff in Puppy Bowl XI (kickoff at noon on Animal Planet).

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.

Scientists think Earth doomed: I disagree

We're 44 percent doomed and it's our own fault.

That's not me saying it. It's science!

According to a paper published in the journal Science last week and written about on the blog site Science 2.0 (it has to be real science! Otherwise, they couldn't write about it in Science and on Science 2.0!), the Earth has crossed four of nine "planetary boundaries" that keep it functioning well.

According to the paper, the four "boundaries" that are already beyond that point of no return (Incidentally, there was a 1977 album by Kansas called "Point of Know Return." It included "Dust in the Wind.") are climate change, the loss of biosphere integrity, land-system change and altered biogeochemical cycles like phosphorus and nitrogen runoff. Of the four, I kind of understand climate change.

The paper says that for approximately the past 12,000 years, our planet was stable. Starting about 100 years ago, human occupation began to wear on Earth like a relative who stays too long and starts helping himself to food from the refrigerator. Now four of the nine significant indicators are fouled up.

The report focused particularly on the biochemical cycles. While attempting to understand, I drifted off and starting thinking of other cycles – the triple is the hardest part of baseball's "hitting for the cycle," unicycles seem impossible to ride, the song "Circle of Life" should be "Cycle of Life."

Then it hit me: I suspect the scientists are focused on the wrong things, because everybody knows that if you lose something, you can always replace it. There are always other fish in the sea. There's more than one way to skin a cat. I'm sure there are other PETA-unfriendly sayings, too.

So what if we've screwed up things in the past 100 years? Think of all the great things we've added – things that make life better.

A century ago, many homes didn't have indoor plumbing. They lacked Internet access. Not only was there no "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," there was no TV! Major League Baseball was limited to 16 teams in the East.

More?

How about microwave popcorn? Starbucks? Cellphones? The zipper (I think it was invented earlier, but go with me here)? Nyquil?

I'll take what we have now for what we had in 1915, even with the loss of the stuff I don't understand.

Are you going to tell me that the invention of the automobile, the eradication of polio, the institution of the eight-hour workday and discovery of antibiotics don't offset the "loss of biosphere integrity"?

Balderdash.

I'm not buying that we're doomed – or even 44 percent doomed. The scientists say that conditions during the past 12,000 years, known as the Holocene epoch (like how the 1990s were known as the Tupac epoch), we lived in a world that was perfectly suited for us.

Then World War I kicked off, movie theaters opened and John Garamendi began running for office. That's when things started going downhill, according to the guys in white coats, who insist that we're nearly halfway to blowing it all.

"It might be possible for human civilization to live outside Holocene conditions, but it's never been tried before," co-author Steve Carpenter says.

I'll just say this. Steve Carpenter is a fine name for an athlete or an auto mechanic or someone who attended high school with you. But a scientist? Nah.

You can have science and all its "smarts." I remember this: Science brought us New Coke, Bruce Jenner's new face(s) and the steroids era in baseball. If science tells me we've blown 44 percent of our important "boundaries," I say this: We've still got a 56 percent chance. Oh, and I just looked it up and saw that the term "zipper" started being used in 1923.

Trust me, we'll be fine.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him at bradstanhope@hotmail.com.