Survey of why we don't have dream job reveals men are simpletons

Never really getting a shot at your dream job – being the lead singer of a rock band or playing professional sports or being a movie star – isn't your fault. It's the fault of . . . fate? An unfair world? I don't know, but it's not because you lack the skills or motivation to do your dream job.

It's not your fault.

That's one of the conclusions from a survey conducted by Voice Nation that revealed that only 8% of Americans work their dream job. According to the survey, financial barriers, lack of opportunities and personal obligations are among the major factors holding people back.

If it weren't for those (and other) barriers, you'd be on your way to hosting a late-night talk show on network TV or being the radio voice of the San Francisco Giants or playing point guard in the NBA (three of my childhood dream jobs).

The folks who conducted the survey broke down the top five dream jobs by gender for those who answered the survey.

The top five dream jobs for men are entrepreneur (10%), professional athlete (9%), musician or singer (8%), engineer (6%) and pilot (5%).

For women, the top dream jobs are entrepreneur (9%), veterinarian (8%), teacher (7%), doctor (6%) and artist (6%).

The first thing: Men are goofballs. Do 9% of us really think we could be a professional athlete and 8% think we could be a musician or singer? What are we, 7 years old? Women are more reasonable, with all of their "dream jobs" available if you are able to pursue them (and are smart enough). Two of the top three men's dream jobs are fever dream jobs.

Now, the barriers. Here's what we said is keeping us from having our dream jobs, in order. Financial constraints (33%), lack of opportunities (22%), family obligations (20%), fear of failure or lack of self-confidence (18%), health issues (16%). If you're a mathematician (a dream job!), you realize that adds up to more than 100%, so obviously people could choose more than one barrier.

Before going any further, let me talk briefly to the 17% of men whose dream job is professional athlete or musician/singer. Just a hint, that the reason you don't have that job probably isn't because of financial constraints or a lack of opportunity or even family obligations. Here's the real reason: YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. ALMOST NOBODY IS. THAT'S WHY IT THOSE PEOPLE ARE STARS.

OK. Got it? I'll concede that it's possible someone reading this could have been a professional musician or athlete if not for an obstacle. No, never mind. I won't concede that. It's not true. YOU'RE NOT A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE OR ROCK STAR OR PROFESSIONAL RAPPER BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT IT!

The point of the survey was to identify dream jobs and examine why we think we don't have them. That's not why we don't have them, it's why we think we don't have them.

We tend to blame outside sources, but let's be real: I'm not a lawyer because it seemed too hard. I'm not the Giants broadcaster because I'm not good enough. I'm not an NBA point guard because I'm too old (that's the only reason. Really.). I'm not a cowboy because I'm afraid of horses. I'm not the host of a late-night TV show because I'm not clever enough nor attractive enough.

I'm not good enough for my dream jobs.

I'm not saying we should all have jobs that suck. I like my job. I loved being a sports editor and newspaper journalist (a dream job of mine). You should pursue what you like – or at least something you can learn to enjoy.

But the idea that we could all have our dream jobs if it just weren't for those pesky family obligations or financial constraints is ridiculous. Most of us don't have our dream job because very, very few people have jobs that we consider dream jobs.

AND GUYS, QUIT THINKING YOU'D BE A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE OR FAMOUS MUSICIAN IF YOU JUST GOT A FAIR CHANCE. YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH AT IT.

Sorry for bursting your bubble. That's one of my dream jobs, too. Bubble-burster for dumb guys.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Masking? Electrical? Scotch? Ranking the top eight types of tape

As we near the end of Scotch tape season (Christmas, the high holiday for the Scotch tape industry, is Wednesday!), there are two things I've learned:

• You capitalize "Scotch," even though it was originally a pejorative term. It was used in the 1930s to suggest miserliness: The tape name was inspired by someone complaining that the bosses who manufactured tape were cheap.
• It's a brand name. Unless it's made by the people at Scotch Brands, the tape we think of as Scotch tape is called cellophane tape.

A third thing: Scotch tape is only the second-best type of tape. It's valuable for wrapping gifts, holding pieces of paper together and even getting lint of clothes, but it's not the best tape type (say that three times fast!).

How are tapes ranked? Good question. The top eight popular variations after three honorable mentions: Tape measures, measuring tape (I didn't realize until this moment how those types of tape have names that are just reverses of each other) and that scourge of elementary school fears, tapeworms.

The top eight:

8. Two-sided tape. This variation of cellophane tape seemed amazing the first time I saw it as a kid. Then I tried to use it and couldn't make it work right. It stuck to my fingers, eyelids and shoes. It's supposedly better than looping Scotch tape with the sticky out, but it isn't. All flash, little usefulness. 

7. Tan masking tape. I differentiate masking tape types. This can be used for painting but is better for taping things on the wall without fear of peeling off paint. Masking tape is also versatile, a good substitute for Scotch tape and and emergency backup for the superior blue masking tape (see below).

6. Electrical tape. The black, shiny tape is very use-specific (to cover and/or insulate cables, wires or other materials that conduct electricity). That makes it valuable, but electrical tape can be used for other things (particularly by kids who can't find duct tape and use electrical tape to, for instance, tape up their bike seat or secure something heavy). 

5. Cassette tape. OK, not an adhesive tape, but it's a type of tape, right? Music on cassette tapes was amazing because it made music portable! You could bring a tape recorder (or boombox or Walkman or whatever you had, depending on the era) and listen to music. You could replace the balky 8-track player (another type of tape that just missed this list) with a mobile player. And "fixing" a tape after it was "eaten" by the player required a pencil, wits and nerves of steel.

4. Packing tape. While I was writing this, Mrs. Brad used packing tape to wrap up something for her business, at one point startling me with the screech of the tape tearing. This is in the same category as electrical tape – a type with a specific use. I don't need it, but if you're shipping something, you do.

3. Blue masking tape. When someone says to "tape off" an area because they're painting, they usually mean to use the blue masking tape. At least I think so. I consider blue the Cadillac of masking tape and the fact that you can use this and then freely paint a wall – and wind up with straight lines – is fantastic.

2. Scotch. Or, of course, cellophane tape. Great for connecting paper, great for holding light-weight things on the walls and most importantly, widely available. You can get this at a drug store, grocery store, business supply store and perhaps even a pizza parlor or bar. I can only assume. We have backups of this because I generally buy three at a time.

1. Duct tape. Two things are true: 99% of us have never used duct tape on a duct, because we don't deal with ducts; also, every home needs to have a roll of duct tape available. It can hold virtually anything in place (or at least that's what we think when we use it), it's fairly easy to use and a roll has a lot of tape on it. I love duct tape, the LeBron James of tape.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

How well do you know Solano County? Take this quiz!

We love holiday traditions. Eggnog. Christmas carols on KOIT radio. Forgetting where you parked your car at the mall. "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on TV. Salvation Army bell ringers at the store.

And the annual Solano County quiz.

I've presented a quiz on the county every December since . . . I don't know, probably 2004? Let's say that. Let's say this year marks the 20th anniversary of the first such quiz!

It's a quiziversary! As always, what follows are 20 questions that reveal how much you know about Solano County. Some are geographical, some are demographical, some are commonsense, some are whimsical (I hope).

Twenty questions, so keep score. The answers follow, so don't look ahead.

QUESTIONS

1. Name the seven Solano County cities.

2. Within 50,000, how many people lived in Solano County in 2023, according to the Census Bureau?

3. What are the five counties that are geographically connected to Solano County?

4. Which city has a larger population, Fairfield, California, or Fairfield, Connecticut?

5. Within 400 miles, what's the distance from Fairfield, California, to Fairfield, Connecticut by road?

6. Who is the county administrator of Solano County?

7. Who was elected president the last time a majority of Solano County voters voted Republican?

8. Name the three members of the House of Representatives who will represent Solano County in the next Congress.

9. Why are "boor," "bore" and "boar" all pronounced the same, while "live" can be pronounced two ways?

10. What was the leading crop (in terms of dollar value) in Solano County in 2023?

11. Within 1,000, what is the combined inmate population (as of Dec. 4, 2024) of the two Vacaville prisons?

12. Within two degrees, what's the highest temperature ever recorded in Vacaville?

13. In terms of student population, what is the largest high school in Solano County?

14. What are the four interstate freeways in Solano County?

15. Who is the namesake of the city of Benicia?

16. In what two Solano County cities are there general aviation airports?

17. What was the name of the bank where Mr. Drysdale worked on "The Beverly Hillbillies?"

18. On average, in what month does Fairfield receive the most rainfall?

19. Which Solano County city has a larger population: Suisun City or Benicia?

20. Which of the following people is not from Vallejo: Raymond Burr, Joey Chestnut, G-Willikers, E-40, B-Legit.

ANSWERS

1. Benicia, Dixon, Fairfield, Rio Vista, Suisun City, Vacaville, Vallejo.

2. 449,218 (You get credit if you guessed 399,218 to 499,218).

3. Contra Costa, Sonoma, Napa, Yolo, Sacramento.

4. As of 2023, Fairfield, California (120,768) had nearly twice as many people as Fairfield, Connecticut (63,433).

5. 2,915 miles (answers from 2,415 to 3,315 considered correct).

6. Bill Emlin.

7. Ronald Reagan (1984).

8. Mike Thompson, Doris Matsui, John Garamendi.

9. Because English is a strange language.

10. Tomatoes, at about $101 million.

11. 5,796 (1,925 at the California Medical Facility, 3,871 at California State Prison, Solano).

12. It reached 115 degrees on Sept. 6, 2022.

13. Rodriguez High School in Fairfield (2,081 students as of 2023, narrowly edging out Vacaville High School).

14. 80, 680, 780, 505.

15. Gen. Mariano Vallejo's wife, Francisca Benicia Carillo de Vallejo.

16.  Rio Vista and Vacaville.

17. The Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills. It's not a Solano County question, but I amused/irritated Mrs. Brad by recently reciting that.

18. December (5.40 inches on average. February is second, January third).

19. Based on 2024 estimates, Suisun City's population of 28,498 is larger than Benicia's 26,203.

20.  I made up "G-Willikers," although it would be a cool nickname for an innocent, gullible rapper.

SCORES

15-20: Genius.

10-14: Pretty smart.

5-9: I'm sure you know something. Right?

0-4: Maybe you just moved here?

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Infinite monkey theorem debunked, so a monkey typed my column

The old adage says that if you give typewriters to an infinite number of monkeys and give them enough time, they will eventually re-create the complete works of William Shakespeare.

It's not true – and not just because the monkeys would be outraged that you made them use typewriters. No, the "infinite monkey theorem" – used to describe randomness, probability, Shakespeare and why "The Monkees" was such a popular TV show – is not true because of something more fundamental.

Two mathematicians from Australia (I don't think they're the two guys in Air Supply, but I'm not 100% sure) seemingly disproved the idea. Not because monkeys aren't good at 1500s English or because they would get carpel tunnel syndrome or because Shakespeare's plays are copyrighted. They wouldn't do it because of time.

Maybe "an infinite amount of time" would work. Maybe. But Stephen Woodcock and Jay Falletta (now I'm pretty sure they're not the Air Supply guys) concluded that the time it would take is longer than the lifespan of our universe. So it wouldn't work.

The mathematicians made their calculations based on the idea that the universe will end sometime in the distant future in a way I don't understand but in a way that isn't similar to how life is mentioned in the song "In the Year 2525."

They concluded that if you took every living chimpanzee (about 200,000) and each typed one key per second for the rest of their lives (and their descendants did the same thing), they wouldn't come close to typing Shakespeare's full works.

In fact, it's worse: According to the research, there is only a 5% chance that any monkey would successfully type the word "bananas" in its lifetime. And the chance that one chimp would write a random sentence (such as "Davy Jones and Micky Dolenz weren't really monkeys") is one in 10 million billion billion, which is a lot of zeroes.

So it's very, very unlikely that even if they were given enough time, any monkeys could duplicate the Bard's work. But could they duplicate . . . the Brad's work? (GET IT?)

Seeking to answer whether a monkey could complete even a portion of what I write each week, I went through the website Upwork and hired a chimp named Stanley for one hour (just $25!), gave him a laptop and challenged him to type like me.

He was finished in 45 minutes (Stanley was efficient. I still paid him the entire fee). Here's what he wrote:

mmZZK mmba. Slow ride take it easy. dIIIddk sks. Bananarama. !!@ Everybodywaskungfufighting skjlkdfdd snap crackle pop. dkdkdkdkd tONywaderaidersbAd dds WeTakeOverIn2026.

I didn't see anything close to words there, although you could make the case that "on" is in the middle somewhere.

I've spent much of my life believing the "infinite monkey theorem," although I would mock it by saying there isn't a market for Shakespeare's works and that the monkeys would probably focus more on teen vampire novels. It turns out that monkeys aren't good writers and the real threat to writers is artificial intelligence.

That's too bad. I liked working with Stanley. In fact, as a final treat, I'll let him have the last word in this column.

YouWillBeOurSlavesIn2026.

Hah hah hah. It's sweet that he can't type real words. Just gibberish.

Reach Brad Stanhope at bradstanhope@outlook.com.

Best Christmas traditions, from hanging lights to movies and more

Thanksgiving is behind us and so is Black Friday. We've already gone beyond Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday is looming.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

While the cool kids are cynical about Christmas, saying how they don't like Christmas music or blasting the commercialization of the holiday or the awkward ways businesses navigate around a holiday based on a religious figure, most of us enjoy this time of year.

Part of that is because we have fond memories and fun traditions associated with Christmas.

That's the focus of this column: The best Christmas traditions. Not based on which is most important, but which is most widespread and which brings the most joy. 

There's an honorable mention list, too: Christmas sweaters. Christmas cards. Mistletoe (seems crazy, right?). Egg nog. Add anything that I left off.

But as my mentor Casey Kasem would say, let's start the countdown:

10. Christmas Eve. No pregame show on our holiday calendar equals this. In some ways, Christmas Eve tops Christmas, since it's a daylong buildup of excitement, rather than a morning explosion followed by a day-long reflection. Santa is coming! A holiday is here! What if it snows? Parents (and Santa) are busy wrapping gifts and getting ready.

9. Hanging lights. I separated this from decorating the tree, mostly because can be a hassle and dangerous (how many people make high-risk moves on a ladder to hook one more light over a hook?). Still, putting up lights means the holiday season is in full swing.

8. Leaving cookies for Santa. The final act of Christmas Eve for kids, the plate of cookies (or whatever your tradition) means its bedtime and Santa is about to come. If Christmas were an NFL game, the cookies-for-Santa moment is the last commercial before the opening kickoff.

7. Christmas movies and TV. "Elf." "Miracle on 34th Street." "A Christmas Story." "The Muppets' Christmas Carol." "It's a Wonderful Life." ("Die Hard?"). Of course you can watch these movies year-round, but for the 90% of us who are sane, these movies mark the Christmas season. So do the TV shows: "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer," "Frosty the Snowman," "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas." An entire branch of Hollywood is built around Christmas shows.

6. Christmas shopping. Black Friday is the height of Christmas shopping and while an increasing number of us rely on Amazon to bring gifts, this is the magic for many people. City sidewalks, busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style. That's not just "Silver Bells," that's the greatest Christmas moment for many people. And merchants.

5. Driving to see Christmas lights. Candy Cane Lane is a local thing and an every-town thing. In almost every area of the country, there's a place (often called "Candy Cane Lane,") where neighbors decorate their homes, yards, cars and roofs. The rest of us cruise by and gaze in wonder at what they've done. If you live on such a street, thank you.

4. Church services. If you're a regular attendee or someone who attends only at Christmas and Easter, there's something magical about this time of year. The hope of the coming Messiah. The church decorations. The nice people. The sheer number of traditional Christmas carols that are actually Christian hymns.

3. Kids meeting Santa. Whether it's sweet or horrifying, this is a classic. The mall Santa or the Santa at the party or the relative who dresses up every year are (virtually) all great. The sweetness of a child's excitement or the panic of the kid who only sees an oversized man in red reaching for them are both tremendous.

2. Decorating the tree. This signifies the official start of the season for most of us. A dramatic decline in real Christmas trees largely removed Step 1 (driving to a Christmas tree lot and paying entirely too much for a tree that doesn't fit in your house), but the rest of decorating – getting out the decorations out, hanging the stockings, listening to Christmas music, finding the remote control that you accidentally packed last year and blamed your spouse for losing – is fantastic.

1. Christmas carols. There is an entire genre of music built around a specific holiday! It's filled with traditional music (how many hymns do you listen to outside of Christmas season?), rhythm-and-blues, pop, country, hip-hop and every other kind of music. Instrumentals. Acapella. Even an over-the-top "American neoclassical new-age music ensemble" like Manheim Steamroller gets a listen. Of all the traditions of Christmas, this is the best because it has the widest impact. Other than the birth of Jesus, I mean.

Enjoy the full holiday season.

Reach Brad Stanhope at Bradstanhope@outlook.com.